KERR FAMILY NEWS

2011-03-01T13:47:00.002Z

I've not written the blog for sometime. I have a lot of news in my life but have felt that some of it isn't really relevant to here. I started to write the blog as a way of relaying information regarding Mike's illness and how the family were doing etc, I obviously found writing it went someway to helping with the grieving process because I continued writing it well after Mike's death. I will always be thankful to those of you who read it, followed it and commented as a result.

My new Mike proposed on Valentines day and we will be getting married on 13th October 2012. I will enter that marriage with the same hopes and dreams that I entered my marriage with Mike - we were very happily married for twenty years until his death and I hope that Mike and I will now have many happy years together.

I will never ever forget Mike, he lives on in Hannah and Cameron so much - we talk about him and his antics on an almost daily basis. I think that the blog has helped me achieve so much through the very darkest days of my life, but now I feel it is time to put the blog to bed and move on with the new life that I am very fortunate to have. xxxx

2010-11-25T15:56:00.003Z

It's the longest gap that I have left since blogging, but as Christmas approaches I can feel myself going down a very slippery slope.

Life has started to mend itself in a lot of ways but the challenges continue. My new Mike does his best to be there for me, but he is fortunate enough to have never experienced death of a close family member so isn't really able to see where I am coming from a lot of the time. Mike's job has taken over his life recently too and he is away working much more than he is at home and this in itself puts more pressure on me in the build up to Christmas, especially as we are having both our families to stay this year.

I still go to Mike's grave and ask the question "why?", obviously it is a question that will never be answered, but I do wonder why I was put in this position.

My dad has been ill recently too and has been in and out of hospital twice in less than a week. He has now had surgery, but seems to be making a good recovery. As a result of the surgery and much nagging from us he is unable to do as much for himself as he used to so I have taken on the role of doing his washing and ironing which entails a 140 mile round trip to collect it and drop it off each time. I sometimes just wish that life was simple and that everyone could live forever, but realistically that doesn't happen and I have had to learn that lesson.

I will be going to the Lights of Love service at the hospice next weekend, it destroys me but I have to do it, Mike and I did it a couple of years to remember my mum and now I feel it is the least I can do for Mike.

2010-06-30T15:36:00.004Z

I've not blogged for some time, but have been thinking about Willen a lot recently as the Midnight Moo looms and I realise how unfit I am. The original plan was that Mike and I would walk every evening to get ready for it, but we only actually managed to do one evenings walk around Willen Lake and the following day Mike broke his foot at work. I have sort of reverted to the caring role a little, i'm back to doing the driving, but he has mastered the art of ironing sitting down so its not all bad.

2010-04-30T21:20:00.002Z

Gill, Hannah and I have registered to do the Midnight Moo 10 mile walk in aid of Willen Hospice on 17th July this year. All donations would be gratefully received - you can donate on line via our Just Giving Page or we will all have sponsor forms if you would rather do it the old fashioned way. Thank you for your support x

2010-04-30T21:19:00.000Z

2010-03-11T16:41:00.002Z

I have just been emailing a second cousin, probably once or twice removed - he will be better at telling me what the relationship is as he is compiling a family tree. He commented in the email that he had wondered if I had emigrated because I hadn't blogged for nearly three months, so I am now confirming that I haven't although sometimes wish that I had.

It is quite ironic in relation to the blog that the email between us relates to the fact that we will be seeing him next week at the funeral of his mother (my mums cousin) - I am quite spooked by the fact that it will be five years to the day of my mums funeral, at the same place.

On a brighter note, everything else is reasonably normal. Hannah and Cameron continue to try my patience as far as they can, something I thought that kids grew out of but I am informed that they don't. (sorry to anyone that has younger kids).

Business is booming - I think swapping 3.30am starts 7 days a week to 10.30am starts 5 days a week was one of the better decisions I have made.

2009-12-17T15:13:00.002Z

I face Christmas with so many mixed emotions. It never is going to be easy, the second anniversary looms and Christmas will never be the same - I have tried to sort myself out and face this Christmas with a positive attitude, I have always been a firm believer in there is always somebody worse off in the world than you, but sometimes I find it difficult to stick to that belief recently. I know things change as you get older, but somehow to me it has lost a lot of it's sparkle.

I have wonderful memories of Christmas as a child, it wasn't all particularly about expense then - it was about family and togetherness and suprises that didn't necessarily cost the earth, but were things that were saved until Christmas. These days the younger generation seem to think it is their divine right to have the best of everything when they want it - I think all understanding of the value of money has disappeared. I also have lovely memories of when our children were young and how often we used to get much more excited buying the presents than they ever were when they unwrapped them, but many years of fun and laughter was had by all. I think Christmas changed for me when my mum died - mum was very much the centre of our extended family, it was always her who cooked the big meal for everyone, she was always the one that didn't care how much mess was made by the grandchildren as long as they were happy.

My memories of Christmas' with Mike are wonderful too, I still have a red heart bauble that he attached to my present on our first Christmas, I thought this was really romantic and thoughtful - only to find out years later that he had actually stolen the bauble off of his mums tree. I remember Boxing days at Mike's parents with the whole family there and then Boxing Day evenings at Brenda and Lens playing games and drinking too much - obviously the more recent Boxing Day memories aren't such happy ones.

This Christmas I have made a few rules about where I want to be when, it is my first Christmas with my new Mike in our new home and thought it was time we had some new traditions of our own. I have asked that we have Christmas morning at home so we can open presents in our own home (we are going to Reading Christmas day for dinner etc because I couldn't not see my dad, brother, sister in law and Nicky and Adam). Boxing day will be a generally quiet relaxed day with some time out for Hannah, Cameron and me to go to the cemetery, other than that we have no plans, we don't have to make any effort to get up at any time, wear particular clothes, eat particular food etc - can't wait!

Merry Christmas and happy new year xxx

2009-12-03T13:44:00.002Z

I've been a bit deep in thought this morning and so thought I would blog. I haven't written on here for ages but with Christmas fast approaching a lot of the nightmare memories are in the forefront of my mind.

We have the tree up at home and in the studio, all the shops are full of Christmas music and crowds, there really is no getting away from the fact that it is almost upon us again. This Sunday is the Lights of Love service at Willen, I am looking forward to it with very mixed emotions.

I saw someone in town today who said"it's getting to that time of year again, how are you going to cope" - people do say odd things, Christmas is hard because it isn't just for the fact that Mike is missing from family celebrations but the fact that it marks the anniversary of his death. We have made sure our plans for Christmas mean we will be at home on Boxing day and the three of us will be able to go to the cemetery, but as Mike would have wanted we are going to do our very best to have a good time over the festive season.

2009-10-17T15:19:00.004Z

I have struggled a bit over the past few weeks. I think it has something to do with it getting darker in the evenings and this being the time of year that Mike spent the longest time in Willen. However much life moves on something reminds me of Mike every day, it's not always something related to the brain tumour it is often good, happy memories. The cemetery is looking sad at the moment because there is very little colour there, I am looking at planting bulbs so that it cheers up in the spring.

I think I am a little apprehensive about Christmas too, I am looking forward to it with mixed emotions - Mike wouldn't have wanted me to worry about it, he was the biggest kid I knew who loved Christmas and he would expect us all to carry on having happy times - sometimes it is easier said than done though.

2009-09-17T19:29:00.003Z

I've not written on here for a while, I suppose it is a positive thing as it used to be a massive support to me, I suppose it means that I am coping better.

It was Cameron's 19th birthday on Sunday, I suppose that shows how time is moving on.

We have been reminded of death twice in the last couple of weeks, once by that of a very good friends husband - a friend that I made through the carers group at the hospice - the funeral is tomorrow and I have spent the last week or so re-living in my head the nightmare that it is and thinking how sometimes I wonder how I have ever come out the other side. We also heard the very sad news that a family friend had taken her own life which has put me into more deep thought.

My thoughts are very much with both families xxx

2009-07-22T16:50:00.002Z

Another milestone day today. It would have been Mike's birthday, it hasn't been an easy day as Hannah had a hospital appointment that has now instigated further tests and more visits to the hospital too.

Hannah enjoyed her 21st birthday and the family gathering on Sunday. It wasn't the best weather in the world for a barbeque but Neil and Marie were stars and made sure that it went ahead come rain or shine.

2009-07-13T09:28:00.002Z

Today is another milestone day, it is Hannah's 21st birthday. I will do my best to make sure she has a birthday to remember. We found out that Mike's illness was terminal on her 18th birthday and although we did our best to put on brave faces it was an horrendous time in all of our lives. Happy birthday Hannah, love you loads xxxx

2009-07-04T10:53:00.002Z

Things have been pretty hectic recently. We came back from our annual extended family holiday last Saturday and then proceeded to start packing ready to move house.

We have been thinking about moving for a while, Nicky moved in with us when we started setting up the business and I have a new partner so we were getting a bit overcrowded and needed a much bigger house. I hadn't mentioned the new man in my life whose name is also Mike on the blog, as I never want anyone to think that I have forgotten MIKE in any way. He was so so special to me and we shared 22 blissfully happy years and have no doubt in my mind we would have spent the rest of our lives together if things had been different. I still think about him every day, we talk about him openly at home and visit the grave regularly. My new Mike supports us in still keeping MIKE alive in our hearts and our home.

When Mike was diagnosed and throughout the whole horrendous journey I never thought that I would ever find happiness again, but I have learn't to smile again. I need to thank Hannah and Cameron for just being them, we have been to hell and back together and I need them to know that even though I have Mike now they always will be very very important and special to me and I love them very much xx

2009-06-17T09:17:00.002Z

I spent the evening talking about the blog last night for Willen Hospice. I made a recording for them about how the blog has helped me so that they can use it at their conference. The blog became my best friend throughout Mike's illness and I used to write things on it imagining that no one ever read it but felt it was the only place I could vent my anger that Mike had cancer and was dying and talk honestly about what was happening to our family. The support that I received because of it has been enormous and if me talking about it helps just one family going through similar things that we have it is well worth it.

2009-06-12T08:22:00.002Z

Today is a difficult day - it is three years today that Mike had the first fit while driving along Brickhill Street delivering papers. The date haunts me, possibly more than any other , possibly even more than Boxing Day. I can never get my head around how everything was so normal and a nightmare began so quickly. I can also never cease to be amazed by how brave Cameron was that day - he was with him in the car when he fitted, he dealt with paramedics and stayed at Mike's bedside until I arrived at the hospital. I am also always thankful that Cam did deal with it as he did by taking over the steering and getting the car off the road and out of danger - they both could have been killed that morning. Grieving for Mike is bad enough, it doesn't bare thinking about what might have been.

2009-06-02T11:55:00.002Z

We finally opened last Thursday after an episode with the plumber running off with our money and holding things up.

Business is doing really well - I know I had to believe that people would want tattoos or I wouldn't have invested my money in it, but I am genuinely suprised by the interest and the amount of appointments that we have booked so far.

We are still attempting to get into a routine at home, with Nicky and me working until 6pm every day now we are trying to sort it out so everyone takes turns with the cooking etc - I have the feeling that this may take some time to get some of the members of the family to understand.

2009-05-06T07:35:00.003Z

As you are aware i don't write the blog as often anymore - I feel that demonstrates to me that I am coping better now. Not a day goes by that I don't think about Mike, a lot of times it is when something funny happens and I imagine what he would say. Other times when the going gets tough I think what I would give to have a hug from Mike and those famous reassuring words "don't worry everything will be ok"

Hannah and Cameron are turning into very well balanced (sometimes even responsible) adults that their dad would be really proud of.

My new business venture is due to open in less than two weeks now. I have gone into partnership with my niece, Nicky. We are about to open the classiest tattoo studio ever!! We have been planning and decorating for months now, but finally there is light at the end of the tunnel.

2009-04-16T20:51:00.004Z

2009-04-16T20:27:00.003Z

I haven't blogged for a while as things seemed to have settled down a bit and have had no big dramas to report.

I went away for Easter to a converted barn in Somerset - the first time the kids have ever been left without a grandparent looking after them. They did incredibly well and Cameron thought that I would be reassured when I phoned home and he told me "they were doing ok, they hadn't even had the police round". Meanwhile I had a lovely weekend of being pampered and looked after - I still can't believe that in four days away I only made one cup of coffee and no meals.

Nicky and I got some excellent news - our planning application for change of use for the shop has been approved today. We have not been very motivated over the last week or so and been a bit edgey as the time limit has been getting close, but can now move forward and plan for the grand opening.

Cam and Adam Running the marathon

2009-04-02T19:47:00.004Z

Well done Cam and Adam!!!

2009-03-30T08:42:00.003Z

In their own words Cam and Adam have been amazing again running the Reading half marathon. They knocked 9 minutes off of their last year's time. Well done to both of you, dad/uncle Mike would have been as proud of you as I am. Cameron thought he would prove just how amazing he was by playing a five a side football match last night too, lets just say I think he regrets it a little this morning - the walk to the bathroom appeared to be a mammoth task.

While they were running they met a woman who was running for Willen Hospice too - what a small world!

2009-03-24T10:59:00.002Z

I spoke too soon saying that we were making some progress! The tiling that we had totally finished (and were rather proud of) in the toilet has had to be ripped out for the landlord to deal with a leak in the cistern. We had finished the treatment room decorating and now an identical patch of damp has appeared to that in the other room so will possibly have to have that all taken off as well. Other than that everything is coming along really well. We had confirmation from Companies House yesterday that we are able to use the company name that we wanted and Nicky and I are now officially a partnership.

Hannah is still off sick from work but is due to go back tomorrow, the dr has organised some more tests for her and hopefully we will get her sorted out soon.

2009-03-16T20:32:00.002Z

We're making some progress in the shop. We have been working hard stripping, filling, sanding, wallpapering, tiling and grouting - I think we sometimes suprise ourselves at how good we are!!!

My tattoo is nearly healed and I am recommending that everyone has one. It isn't as painful as you think it is and it is such a personal thing to have with you forever. I deffinately have been converted but then that is probably a good thing as it is the service that we are going to be selling. I have a really good feeling about the business and am getting excited about it.

2009-03-11T09:31:00.004Z

After lots of thought and planning I finally had my tattoo done last night. It is all about Mike with lots of things that mean a lot about him. The fairy has butterfly wings (he loved butterflies and whenever I see one I think of him), the fairy has a halo on which makes me think he is being looked after in heaven and of course it has got his favourite flower.

It wasn't anything like as painful as I thought it would be. I am glad that I have had it done, not only for the thought that Mike is always going to be with me but for the fact that I need to have experienced what it feels like for when our shop opens. Thanks Nicky, I love it and uncle tosspot would have loved it too x x x

2009-03-05T12:52:00.002Z

I have finally been thinking some positive thoughts over the last couple of days. We have been working hard with setting up the business and we can actually see some progress now - I actually am beginning to think that I am starting to be able to live again. I have spent the last fourteen months feeling almost guilty when i've been happy and worried about what other people may think of me as a widow that is moving on with her life. Over the last few days something has registered in my head making me think that I have to do what Mike would have wanted me to do and move on and make a succesful happy future for myself (and the kids of course).

2009-03-03T17:18:00.002Z

Please don't forget the coffee morning in aid of Willen Hospice at Newport News this Friday, 6th March from 10 am onwards. If you are not local and can't come to that please sponsor Adam and Cam for the Reading half marathon run that they are doing at the end of the month. All donations however small would be gratefully received - please help us to give something back to Willen. www.justgiving.co.uk/it-runs-in-the-family.

2009-03-02T09:38:00.002Z

I really feel that Mike has been looking over me this week - some progress has finally been made!

I always said I would never own another business and never work for myself again, but after a great deal of thought and research I have taken the plunge and am about to go back into business. Nicky and I are now an official partnership and have taken a lease on a shop in the town - we hope to open in early May, but meanwhile we are doing a lot of work on it, I might put progress pictures on here when we have made some progress.

Nicky has now moved in with us and family life here seems much more settled than it was a couple of weeks ago. x x

2009-02-23T09:01:00.002Z

It's another Monday morning and I sit here wondering what delights this week is going to throw at me. Sometimes I disappear into deep thought and re-live the last few years and think that there can't be anything else left that can happen to test me anymore. I have forgotten what normality was like - when I used to complain to Mike about what now seems like minor things he used to say "life would be boring if everything went smoothly". I am fed up with the bumpy ride now and so have asked Mike to up his game, and remember to keep his part of our promises to each other and to watch over me and look out for me forvever x x

2009-02-19T08:57:00.002Z

I've learnt a massive lesson this week. "never get complacent" - I had been getting to the stage of thinking that everything was ticking along quite nicely and there was a glimmer of normality in our lives - not the normality that we were used to, or even the normality that we long for but day to day living seemed that bit easier.

This week grief has smacked one of us in the face full on, the three of us are doing our best to help each other through it, but it's times like this that I just wish Mike was around to advise me how to handle it. That's a bit of a stupid thing to think because if he was we wouldn't be feeling like this.

Grief is an horrendous emotion and it hits you when you least expect it. There have been so many occasions over the past fourteen months that I have prepared the kids and myself for because I know it's going to be difficult, at times I have been pleasanly suprised that it wasn't as bad as I imagined. It's times like now when it appears out of the blue and takes a hold that it is really difficult. It is not only hard for the one that is feeling it but for the other two as well - it brings all sorts of emotions flooding back. It makes me feel inadequate as a mother - mums are supposed to have all the answers and be able to make things better.

2009-02-10T16:00:00.002Z

I've been struggling a bit over the last week - I have not felt well for over a week now and if I am honest with myself probably felt not 100% for a little while before that. I didn't want to go to the dr but finally had to give in, I was told I had vertigo and sent on my way. I am feeling no better and am fed up with feeling dizzy, headachy and sick, so I have made an appointment to go back. Everything seems so much more difficult when you don't feel well - I need to get back to doing some positive thinking and stop my thoughts of self pity.

2009-02-02T14:35:00.002Z

Mike used to love the snow, apart from as a newsagent when paper boys let us down. We made him a snowman - it would be rude not to put him in Chelsea gear!

2009-01-29T10:02:00.002Z

I've been to the cemetery a few times over the past few days, trying to make it look a bit more colourful. I am still carrying out Mike's wishes, although sometimes now I wonder how we ever had some of the conversations, I know we talked about some real difficult stuff when he was ill, but it was a case of having to, we knew what was going to happen and I suppose we wanted it to be right. I remember once being upset when we were talking about my future without him and he said that we had spent our lives planning stuff together and this was to be no different, he needed to know that I was going to be ok - I could never imagine a future without him and hated talking about it, even now I find it difficult to imagine that he isn't here to guide and support me anymore.

I have planted lots of colourful plants and have bulbs of his favourite flower growing at home so I can transfer them to there at some stage too. I am never to plant a rose there as he always thought it would look after itself and I could walk away and forget him - how would I ever forget him, but his wish is my command. Funnily I would not make the wedding vow "to obey" I vowed to "chersih him" instead and now I chersish 22 years of memories, 20 of which were wonderful memories and the last two that were a lot more difficult, but still had special moments that I will remember for ever.

I don't know why I feel like this today, but on a more positive note the advertising on the grave has been removed and it looks so much better now. x

2009-01-24T08:52:00.003Z

I've not blogged for over a week and don't know where the time has gone. I've been a bit busy planning a new business venture. I don't want to tempt fate saying too much about it at the moment but after weeks of careful planning in the last few days it feels that Mike is really looking over us and and helped make things fall into place.

We've had a few health scares with Hannah this week too - a trip to the dr and a trip to the hospital. I hate that place before I even go in it. We had so many bad experiences with Mike there, sometimes when he was ill I wondered whether I was speaking a foreign language to the staff, when I was telling them quite basic things about his needs.

Reading Half Marathon

2009-01-14T23:30:00.002Z

Cameron and Adam are running the Reading half marathon in aid of Willen Hospice again in March. They managed to raise £1,600 last year and hope to beat that total this year - I appreciate that it is the credit crunch but any donations would be gratefully recieved via
www.justgiving.com/it-runs-in-the-family Willen needs your help to provide the excellent service that it does. Well done lads for signing up to do it again, some serious training might be in order now and that doesn't include lifting pints down the Legion Club. x x

2009-01-13T17:41:00.002Z

Hannah has had her tattoo in memory of her dad done today - i'm really proud of both of them, although Mike is with us in spirit every day both of them have their dad behind them forever now.

2009-01-12T10:02:00.002Z

Cameron has had his tattoo done as a lasting tribute to his dad. I am adding photo's - Sero sed serio is the Kerr motto, meaning late but in earnest (Mike and Cam were obviously meant to be Kerr's because it sums them up so well).

The tattoo is even more personal and special because Nicky, my niece did it for him. Mike always really believed in Nicky and when the rest of the family were full of opinions about her "wasting" her art degree by becoming a tattoo artist, Mike was always the one telling her "live your dream, if that's what you want to do then do it - life is too short for regrets"

2009-01-05T09:10:00.002Z

Yesterday was much more difficult than I imagined it ever would be. Maybe it's because I thought it wasn't going to be a problem it was. I deffinately struggled much more than I did on Boxing Day - I don't know how many times I just burst into tears, maybe it's the fact that it was the last first and it all feels really final. With a new year I now need to sort myself out, get a job and attempt to move on - easier said than done!

2009-01-04T10:08:00.003Z

Today is the last "first" - Mike's funeral was a year ago today. I don't know whether marking these anniversaries has a positive or negative effect. I suppose there is something positive about the fact that we have survived that last year. Thank you to everyone that has helped us through x x x

2009-01-01T17:00:00.000Z

2009-01-01T10:50:00.002Z

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

The fact that I can type a happy new year message shows that I have made some progress - last year we couldn't bring ourselves to say those words because we were all at the point of never thinking that we would be able to smile again. We had spent New Year's Eve choosing the music for Mike's funeral and at midnight had just given each other silent hugs.

Last night we were all out and sent each other text mesages at midnight. We are looking onwards and upwards into 2009, we've got through what has got to be the worst year, I don't always know how, but do know that the three of us have become very close and very supportive of each other.

2008-12-26T18:47:00.002Z

Today is the first anniversary of Mike's death. Christmas has been different this year, but it was always going to be with a very important member of our family no longer here to share it with.

We went to the Chelsea game, we had a really good time and I took a lot of comfort from Cam saying "we couldn't be any closer to dad if we tried - this is as close to heaven as you can get"

I can't believe where the year has gone, I have tried really hard not to reflect on what i was doing this time last year. All our "firsts" are over, although I know there are still going to be difficult times I feel that we can move on a little more now.

2008-12-22T09:20:00.003Z

Hannah, Cameron and I have been talking about Christmas a lot over the past few days - I think all three of us have a bit of a guilt feeling about possibly having a good time. We are now all in agreement that Mike loved Christmas and everything about it, he would be looking down on us getting really cross if we were busy being sad.

We have reflected on 2008 a lot too, all I can say is that in January I couldn't honestly see any way forward, I could never imagine living any sort of life again. It's not been an easy journey but as the year has gone on we have all managed to overcome some massive hurdles - every birthday and every anniversary has been a struggle but we have got through.

Hannah and Cam have been amazing and shown such strength of character that I never imagined they possessed. (maybe it's more of Mike living on in them). I just need you both to know that I don't think I could have got through without you, I love you very much and am so proud of you and what you have achieved this year - dad would be very proud of you too x x

A Blue Christmas

2008-12-18T10:15:00.006Z

The three of us had a really good day yesterday, we went to Stamford Bridge to the Carol concert. Hannah and Cam have been working long hours recently and it was nice for the three of us to be together. Cam bought the cd of Chelsea anthems at the megastore and so we had a good sing song on the way home too.

Cam tried to convice me that our Christmas tree should have been in Chelsea colours this year but I refused and went for the traditional look. Our angel does have a bit of a twist though - it's got Chelsea wings.

2008-12-14T09:28:00.002Z

I'm going to try and start doing some positive thinking today. I have been in a bit of a black hole over the past week. The headstone arriving had a bigger impact on me than I thought it would, and there is the inevitable lead up to Christmas and that first anniversary.

I was shopping yesterday and they were playing Johnny Mathis A child is born which set me off getting upset about not having my mum in my life anymore too. We were brought up in a home where Johnny Mathis was always playing and a child is born was always on at Christmas. I am getting a bit worried about how sentimental I have been this week as I also got upset when I heard Chasing Cars - Cam and Mike used to lie on the bed together singing it.

2008-12-12T10:12:00.002Z

I don't really know how I am feeling today, other than gutted. I didn't get the Willen shop managers job, the letter said "It has been offered to someone with more relevant experience" - I really don't know what else I could have done, I managed my shop for five and a half years, eighteen months of that on my own and caring for a terminally ill husband at the same time. I had so much to give, I did all my research for the interview and visited several of the shops and could have done that job with a passion for a cause that I really believed in. Today as I do on several occasions I feel that there is no justice in this world.

I have had to stand up brush myself down and carry on so many times over the last few years so I am sure that now will be no different - I will have to think that it is their loss not mine. I will now just wait until after Christmas when all the first anniversaries are done and then re-assess where I want to go with my life.

2008-12-09T07:39:00.002Z

The headstone issue has been sorted. Marie phoned the company on Friday and told them how happy I was with the headstone and surround, but how disappointed and distasteful I thought it was that they had put their name in such large letters right across the front of one of the corner vases. I received a letter yesterday saying that if it being there meant that I am not 100% happy with their workmanship they will remove it. I have spoken to them and it will be removed shortly. Thanks Marie, you're a star - it may seem a little trivial but I really had an issue that giving Mike a nice grave was the last thing I could do for him and I had been very specific about what I wanted and it had been ruined.

Cameron and I are going to Stamford Bridge today, Hannah did have the chance to come but didn't want to - she wants her first match to be the Boxing Day one, but she is coming with us on 17th December to the Chelsea Carol Concert.

The plan tomorrow is for Hannah and me to go Christmas shopping. I have nearly finished now but she hasn't started. After driving to the city yesterday and going around four car parks looking for a space and eventually thinking I couldn't be bothered I came home and done most of what was left on line. I have only got one to do now thankfully.

2008-12-06T12:10:00.003Z

This week has been a challenging one to say the least. I have been to the grave every day since the headstone was done just to get my head around it - I have now decided that Mike would of loved it and he couldn't have chosen it better himself. (although I do think he would have something to say about the fact that the company that did it have engraved their name at the foot of the grave almost as big as his)

My stress was added to following Hannah's hospital appointment on Wednesday which brought not particularly good news - sometimes I just think that I would like to be able to step out of my life and live someone elses for a while. I have survived the last two and half years telling myself things have got to get better, sometimes I get a little bit impatient these days wondering when.

I have to admit I am not dreading Christmas as much as I thought I would be, I do sometimes feel that it is wrong that i'm not, but know that Mike would be really cross if we sat crying about it all the time. Our tickets to Stamord Bridge for Boxing day arrived today - maybe it is a little bit of a bizzare way to mark the first anniversary, but the three of us have spoken about how we wanted to handle the day for months now, and agreed that we wanted it to be just the three of us and to do something that we would never have done had Mike been here.

2008-12-03T22:43:00.002Z

Today has been a challenging day. The headstone was put on Mike's grave and it somehow makes it feel really final. Standing looking at his name and the date he died in big letters really hits a nerve. I am really pleased with it and it is well worth the wait but it didn't stop me crying about it. It lives up to all the instructions that he gave me while he was ill, he had told me what he didn't want it to look like not exactly what it had to look like - Cameron chose the shape, Hannah chose the colour and I chose the words but it is all inkeeping with what he wanted. I hope that I have succesfully carried out all his wishes as I promised him I would.

2008-12-02T07:17:00.002Z

I'm missing Mike this morning. I've got my interview today and miss having my own personal recruitment consultant giving me tips on what to wear, what to say and what not to say. I know if he was here his comments would be "just go and be yourself" and that "some degree of nerves is healthy" I have done lots of research and am as prepared as I possibly can be so just want it to be over now.

2008-12-01T09:00:00.002Z

As expected the piper made me cry at the Lights of Love. Everytime I hear bagpipes I have a vivid image in my head of our wedding day and all the hopes and dreams we had. Hannah was very composed throughout the whole service, in fact at one stage she was swaying to the music. We went with Marie and Neil and met Helen there - Helen and I keep talking about going out and getting drunk one night to drown our sorrows, she mentioned it again yesterday so I think we just need to bring it on.

When I got home Cameron nagged and nagged about putting the Christmas tree up, I did ask him whether he was 18 or 8, but he just kept saying very innocently "how can you not be excited about Christmas?" In a way I am relieved that he obviously isn't dreading it, I think Cam grieves in a very different way to me. Sometimes he says things that make it obvious that he has been really thinking about his dad, but anniversaries and dates don't seem to bother him. I dreaded his 18th birthday without Mike much more than he ever did and am glad that he is looking forward to Christmas without the memories of last year spoiling his fun. He wore me down in the end and the Christmas tree is now up.

2008-11-30T08:33:00.002Z

I expect today to be a difficult one, it's Lights of Love at Willen. It will be the third year that I have gone, but the first time Hannah has been. It is always such a lovely service and even though last year I was really upset because it was so apparent that I would never have another Christmas with Mike, it somehow gave me the push I needed to go home and organise some sort of Christmas for Hannah and Cameron. Up to that point I had decided that I wasn't going to bother with decorations or any of the normal traditions, but it made me think that Christmas isn't going to just go away, however much I wanted it to. I needed to start dealing with it - however tough Christmas is this year it can never be as bad as last year and hopefully will never be as bad again. When I look back I often wonder how the hell we have coped and got through to where we are today.

When I think that we are going to spend Christmas with my Dad and brother and his family this year I think of happy times, when I think of last year sitting the whole of Christmas just holding Mike's hand saying our last goodbyes it just destroys me - moving on is hard but it really does have to happen for everyones sanity. Mike still helps me even now, when I get upset I can hear him saying "what's crying going to solve? cheer up and carry on" x

2008-11-28T12:18:00.002Z

I have had a couple of quite difficult days. I have started on the mammouth task of writing the Christmas cards. Last year I sent so few, I also could not bring myself to write who presents were from on Christmas labels because I had a gut feeling in the summer that Mike was going to die at Christmas and so wouldn't put his name on them just in case. Over the year I have obviously had to write many birthday cards from just the three of us, but sat writing Christmas cards I found tears rolling down my cheeks. I've beaten myself up about it a bit, remembering when we were first together and cards were written from Mike and Jo and then the kids added to them as our family grew. Now our family is missing such an important and loved person, it's not just the space in the Christmas card where his name should be, it's the void in our lives - I am having a day where I hate cancer, it's taken two of my closest family in the last few years and i'm really thinking why us? what did we ever do that was so bad?

2008-11-25T09:18:00.002Z

As Christmas is fast approaching and the shops are now full of people and Christmas Carols it makes me realise how we really didn't do Christmas last year. As soon as I realised Mike had started deteriorating rapidly I shopped months in advance and never got involved in the chaos of it all. I sent very few Christmas cards and our decorations at home were very minimal.

This year I haven't been half as organised as I was then. It isn't helped by the fact that Hannah and Cameron don't have a clue what they want and even at 20 and 18 years of age seem to think that it still all magically comes from Santa!

Tomorrow is eleven months since Mike died, not a day goes by that I don't think about him. Time is making things slightly better in as much as I remember the good times and am able to blot out some of the bad now. Initially all my thoughts were of that horrendous illness and specific days and events in that journey - now I remember happy times and fun we had, he was not only my husband, he was my very best friend and I have lots of wonderful memories to keep for ever x x

2008-11-17T11:09:00.003Z

I can't believe that I haven't blogged for a week. I try to convince myself that the fact that I blog less frequently means that I am beginning to come to terms with everything. The blog was always very much my therapy and my outlet to the big wide world, over the last couple of months I have felt that I have been coping much better and am much more relaxed. I am confident the kids have learnt how to smile again which is a great comfort to me - not a day goes by that we don't have a conversation that involves Mike -It is often when something funny happens that he would have been amused at or when something that is a bit of a challenge happens and I ask him out loud "why did you leave me with this ****?"

I went to the Willen Hospice Memorial Service yesterday. It was a really lovely service, but then Steve Barnes did it so it was always going to be. Steve has such a flair for capturing your attention and everything he said really made you think. I couldn't believe how many people I recongnised, both staff and families that I had come into contact with through Carers, taking Mike to day hospice and during Mike's several in-patient stays - it was really comforting.

I am adding a poem to this blog which was read at the service by a director of Willen, who I actually know as the grandad of the best Saturday girl I ever had at the shop. I don't normally consider myself as sentimental about poems but this really touched a nerve and made sense about the having to let go and move on.

From The Wisdom Trees by Walter A Kortray

I have come out to see the Wisdom Trees,
to see their summer green take fire,
red and gold in the autumn sun.
Too soon, these leaves, this autumn fire, will fall
and turn to crackling ashes at my feet.
Why must they fall so soon?
Lying down on the leaf-littered earth I sleep and dream,
a special dream of tying leaves on wisdom trees. Leaf by
leaf I bind them on with threads of gold and green.
A labour of love , tying leaves to to stop the fall from falling.
A labour of love? no a fool at work!
The trees are wise they know when to let go.
They understand that in the economy of God's creation
part of life must fall away each year,
Silently they accept
and wisely they let the leaves fall.
The dream is over and I heed its lesson,
part of learning life is learning to let go.
To learn the verdict of the seasons
and willingly let the leaves fall...
.. and think of another springtime.

2008-11-09T08:41:00.003Z

I can't believe that I stayed up until 4.30 am with Cameron to watch the boxing and when the the main fight was about to come on I had to give up and go to bed. I am not convinced that Cam stayed awake to watch it as I had already had to nudge him a couple of times before. I think the other shocking thing is that when I had the shop I would have already done an hours work by the time I went to bed.

Hannah and Cameron have both got to be at work at 10 am today, there is always lots of conflict when they both expect me to get them to opposite sides of the city at the same time. Obviously one of them has to be early, but for them making the decision who is impossible.

I am going to the cemetery today, it looks quite sad at the moment, I am still waiting for the headstone to be fitted. A lot of the plants have died off but it is not worth putting new ones in until the headstone is done. I can still have my chat with him though and tidy it up as much as I can.

2008-11-04T11:31:00.002Z

I called into the carers group at Willen yesterday to drop off a cheque for the money that Cameron and Adam raised running the Swindon Marathon. I can't believe the reaction of people that I have told that I went there - people seem to think that it is weird that I can, in my eyes it is a pleasant place that helped us get through to where we are today. The experiences that we had with Mike being in hospital at certain times throughout his illness were horrendous and from the first time we went to look around Willen just days after being given the prognosis Mike told me that was where he wanted to die and to never be afraid there, I never have been afraid and neither was he.

2008-10-30T08:29:00.002Z

I am amazed to find that the blog has now had 20,000 hits. I can't believe that it has been read so many times. It has always been theraputic for me and kept everyone informed throughout Mike's illness. I always intended to stop writing it after Mike had died but people kept telling me it had become part of their everyday routine reading the blog so I have continued with it. There is not always a lot of news anymore, I don't write it every day but it has become a bit like a faithful friend that I can say anything to. It never really crosses my mind that anyone can read it when I am pouring my heart out, I have been suprised so many times when I have seen people that I haven't seen for ages and they know all about me and what's going on.

Helen called in yesterday after she had been to the cemetery, we had a cup of tea and a catch up. It is always reassuring to speak to her as she is one person in the world who knows exactly how i'm feeling, her husband died in Willen just days after Mike (and is buried beside him) and she has two teenagers slightly younger than mine. We talked about how everything seems to have become really difficult at nine months, it is good to be able to talk about stuff like that and feel that you're not the only one and you're not going mad. It was good to see you x

2008-10-29T15:10:00.003Z

After chatting to Alison on Facebook today and her pointing out that I had got a bit lazy with the blog I thought I would make a big effort.

Sandy came round this morning for a cup of tea, apart from the fact that she was very impressed that my mugs matched her top it is always really good to catch up with her. She does a really serious job supporting families like ours prior and post bereavement but has always managed to make me smile. Whenever I speak to Sandy it makes me realise how far we have come in a relatively small amount of time. The three of us have had incredible life changes over the past ten months, with losing Mike, selling the business, moving house and adjusting to a very different life. In a roundabout way she was the brains behind the blog, she suggested that I kept a diary so that I could refer to it and demonstrate to myself that I do manage to cope with the bad times, I just took it a step further and rather than have a secret diary published it to the worldwide web.

I have thought a great deal about writing a book aimed at people in a similar situation to the one we were/are in. I looked in depth and actually bought a few books following Mike's death, but none of them were really that relevant to us - there is a lot out there aimed at losing elderly people, a fair amount about losing a young parent but mostly aimed at when the children are still young, although I appreciate that must be extremely difficult there is very little that relates to dealing with teenagers losing a parent, when being a teenager is difficult enough in itself. I can't see that writing a book would make my millions but is something that I would seriously like to do and it would possibly help to make me feel that I am giving something back.

I cannot let today go by without a happy birthday mention to my mother-in-law, Jean on the blog - I value my life more than telling people which birthday it is though! Have a good day, lots of love Jo, Hannah and Cam x x x

2008-10-26T10:02:00.002Z

Today is another anniversary - it is ten months today since Mike died. The last ten months or two years for that matter have been an horrendous journey, somedays it seems like it was only yesterday that he died and others it feels like he has been gone for "ever". I vividly remember Sandy from Willen coming a couple of weeks after the funeral and giving me a hug and saying "it will get easier", at that time I could never imagine that it would, but now I feel that the natural process of grieving makes you cope so you don't destroy yourself. I notice things changing and sometimes feel guilty that I am coping and often get concerned about what other people would think of my attitude to some of the things that I do. I often go to the cemetery now and don't cry, I just go to tidy the plants up, water (if it isn't pouring with rain like it is today) and just chat to him about everyday events. Hannah, Cameron and I talk about Mike as part of our every day life with ease, after all he was part of our every day life for so many years, we often laugh at things and say "dad would have thought that was funny"

I miss having someone to tell my every thought, the three of us have become very close but however much we talk I do miss having Mike to share my very inner thoughts with, I never had to tell him if I felt down he would just know and always do his best to make me feel better.

I sometimes look at Hannah and Cameron with an enormous sense of pride, Mike lives on in both of them, Hannah is doing the Christmas recruitment campaign for Toys R Us, he would have been so proud of her. She struggled so much throughout his illness and at times it felt that she was just being awkward and adding stress to everyone else, looking back she just didn't know how to cope and was always resistent to any help that was offered. Cameron has taken on the role of the man of the house with so much maturity, he really looks out for Hannah and me and often sees things from a totally different perspective to us and helps us cope. I'm very proud of you both x x x x

2008-10-20T16:25:00.002Z

I can't beleive that it is a week since I have blogged. I have felt really unwell with my cold, I feel a bit pathetic about it at times, knowing what Mike went through and how little he complained. I just can't seem to shift my cough that is keeping me awake at night I am then feeling tired and irratable all the time. I have been to the dr today and not suprisingly come away with nothing and been told to drink lots of warm drinks. I didn't tell him that I have been having Jack Daniels in warm milk every night for the last few days.

Hannah is working really long hours at the moment doing the Christmas recruitment for Toys R Us, she is really enjoying it and her dad would be really proud of her now. I have been busy job hunting via the internet today, but am very conscious that I need to find the right job - my ideal job would be an administration role at Willen Hospice, I think it would be really rewarding to work somewhere that you feel really passionate about.

2008-10-13T20:06:00.002Z

The days of slave labour are over, I have left my job. I really couldn't cope with it anymore, I was getting really upset about the thought of having to go back today so I did what I normally do when I am in a difficult situation - think what Mike would have told me to do - I know that he would have said "tell them what they can do with their job" so I did. I feel a great sense of relief now.

Cameron and Adam did really well at the Swindon Marathon - Yesterday they were looking on the internet at where they could run next, but today all Cam has done is moan about the muscles in his legs, he says they hurt if he moves them and they hurt if he doesn't. His moaning got the better of me and so I went to Boots and got him some gel to rub into his aching muscles. - he has already decided that he will train a bit harder for the next one.

2008-10-11T21:53:00.002Z

I've had another lousy day at work today - I thought the days of slve labour were over, but I can assure you they are not!

Cameron and Adam are running the Swindon half marathon tomorrow so I will be going down to Reading to collect Cam tomorrow. the original plan was that I was going to have to go to Swindon and kill time when they were running but at least they modified the plan and I don't have to do that anymore. I intend to have a lie in and have a bit of me time in the morning and will drive down after lunch.

2008-10-08T20:32:00.002Z

I've had a much better day at work today. I have learnt loads of new stuff and feel much more positive about the job today. It doesn't change the fact that the hours are a nightmare and the travelling not good. Hannah has been a great help today, when I came home she had hoovered and dusted and cooked a roast dinner. Thanks Han, I really appreciate it x x x

2008-10-07T07:04:00.002Z

Thankfully it is my day off today, I can't beleive what hard work my new job is - the hours are horrendous, shifts of at least eleven hours a day with very little breaks and absolutely no time to catch your breath. On top of that I am travelling a total of about 130 miles a week just to get there and back - I am exhausted! I seem to be spending my days off catching up with housework and washing and ironing and then I am back to work again. Don't get me wrong, I have no regrets that I sold the shop, but it's tough when I finish at 10.00pm and then have to travel home and then be back in work for 5.45 am the following day.

Hannah and Cameron are being pretty good at the moment helping out with cooking, we have tried to sort out that whoever is at home in the afternoon is the one that has to cook the dinner, so far so good.

2008-10-04T21:54:00.002Z

My first week at work has been a long busy one. It will take a while to get used to the shift pattern, but then I am used to odd hours. I am now sat with a very large glass of Baileys and ice to unwind as i've got tomorrow off, I have told Hannah she will have to find her own way to work because I am staying in bed.

We are trying to get into some routine at home, with who cooks which days and who is working when, but it never seems to be simple any more with us all working such odd hours.

2008-10-01T06:28:00.002Z

I'm not at work until 11am today, but Cam needs to be in for 8 am so I am going to take him.

I had plans for doing absolutely nothing yesterday on my day off, but I spent most of the day doing housework. I have read the kids the riot act - that I do not expect to ever come home from work and find the house in a mess, we have had strict rules since we moved and I expect them to continue.

I am going back on my diet today too, my work blouses are a little bit tighter than I would like them to be. I always planned to start again when I went back to work thinking that I would be able to get into a routine, but the fact that I do earlys and lates may not make it that easy.

2008-09-29T20:33:00.002Z

I survived my first day at work and i've got Tuesday off! I am glad today is over, i've been a bit anxious about it like it was my first day at school. I suppose it is another milestone on this journey. I have got my rota for the next week and we've been trying to work out the next time that the three of us are going to be together.

2008-09-28T06:52:00.002Z

I'm awake ridiculously early today considering I have had two late nights in a row. I was out on Friday night at an old customers of mine, drinking coffee and catching up on all the gossip of the town and last night I was at Becci's 21st birthday party. It was really nice to catch up with lots of family that I haven't seen for ages, in fact most of them I hadn't seen since Mike's funeral.

Marie and Neil came over yesterday afternoon, Neil and Cameron put up new curtain tracks for me in the living room and in my bedroom, so we now have curtains and it looks even more homely. Marie's back is still really bad and she struggles sitting down so stands or walks about most of the time. She came with me to the cemetery to water, it's a good job we live so close as the last few days of better weather has meant that I have had to water every day.

2008-09-27T07:41:00.002Z

I've woken up to thick fog this morning which makes me feel even more thankful that I don't have a newsagents and numerous paper rounds to do.

I don't know where my three weeks off has gone, I suppose I have got lots of jobs done and caught up with lots of sleep, but i'm back to the real world of work on Monday. I am looking forward to it but obviously a bit nervous as well. I am fine until I reflect on the last couple of years and start thinking that it wasn't all supposed to be like this - this wasn't our plan for life. Mike told all three of us when he was ill "live each day like it is your last, you don't know what tomorrow is going to bring", when we are unsure about anything we often remind each other what he said and his "wisdom" gets us through our hurdles in life.

2008-09-25T07:33:00.002Z

I'm struggling a bit this week. I can't put my finger on why, but am not really suprised that I feel the way that I do. I have had two nights now that I have woken up at 2.30 am and found it nearly impossible to get back to sleep - it is very lonely at that time of the morning and I have re-lived many nightmares over the last couple of nights. I have stayed up later in the evenings in the hope that I will sleep better but it isn't happening.

It will be nine months tomorrow since Mike died, I find it really hard to imagine where that time has gone as many of the events surrounding that horrendous illness are still very vivid in my mind like it was yesterday.

Stamford Bridge

2008-09-22T16:30:00.000Z

On the pitch

2008-09-22T16:29:00.000Z

In the dressing room

2008-09-22T16:28:00.001Z

At the press conference desk

2008-09-22T16:28:00.000Z

In the Chelsea museum

2008-09-22T16:27:00.000Z

2008-09-22T16:26:00.001Z

Cam and the best goalkeeper in the world!

2008-09-22T16:26:00.000Z

What a team!

2008-09-22T16:25:00.001Z

Cam with Stamord The Lion

2008-09-22T16:25:00.000Z

On the train with the monkey that is now in the back of my car

2008-09-22T16:24:00.000Z

2008-09-22T06:23:00.003Z

I can't believe that this is my last week before I go back into that big wide world of work. (Typing that has made me remember when Hannah was little she used to think that work was just one place where everybodys daddy went and could never understand why Mike hadn't seen her friends dads when he'd been there all day!)

Cam and I are planning a jolly today. We are going to get the train into London and go for a tour of Stamford Bridge. We have talked about doing it for ages but last night decided that we should stop talking about it and just do it.

2008-09-20T20:10:00.002Z

I really struggled yesterday. I went to the cemetery and really couldn't settle to anything all day. In the evening I decided to drive down to Reading to stay the night at my dads. I have done lots today, including going to my mums grave which I have been wanting to do for a while - I always have an image of Mike and my mum sat drinking tea in heaven!

I visited our old next door neighbours Jenny and Rod and then went to Jean and Eddies, it was really good catching up with people but I ran out of time to catch up with everyone I wanted to, but thankfully now I haven't got the shop I will able to make trips to Reading more regularly.

2008-09-18T19:13:00.002Z

I've been struggling a bit this week. Although I am really appreciating having the opportunity to catch up on some sleep and prepare myself for my new job, I am doing a lot of grieving that has caught me a little unaware. It's been a bit of a traumatic week with Cam being 18, he's been the man around here for a while now but his birthday is a milestone. Tomorrow would have been our 21st wedding anniversary, I find it hard to believe that the only way that I can mark that day is to take flowers to his grave - this isn't the way it was meant to be.

2008-09-17T07:58:00.002Z

I find it difficult to believe that a little over a week ago I was getting up at 3.20 am seven days a week. Today I haven't woken up until six hours after that, I am staying up much later in the evenings though. I can't remember the last time that I spent so much time with Hannah and Cameron, it's not until I look back now that it hits me how awful the last couple of years have been.

I don't know where the time is going, I really must put a day aside to go clothes shopping as my working wardrobe from Newport News was jeans, jumpers and trainers - not very appropriate for my new job.

The Rabbit!

2008-09-15T08:07:00.000Z

Cam with the Rabbit!

2008-09-15T08:04:00.000Z

Raving!

2008-09-15T08:02:00.000Z

The Ravers!

2008-09-15T08:01:00.000Z

All the family!

2008-09-15T07:57:00.000Z

Marie and Neil with Cam

2008-09-15T07:53:00.000Z

2008-09-15T07:41:00.002Z

I think we can safely say that Cam had a good birthday. He was really pleased with all his presents and seemed to have a good time. It was really good having Nicky, Adam and Jim staying too as although Mike wasn't always being noisy sometimes there is an awful feeling of quietness - we didn't have that this weekend.

Thanks to everyone who joined the search to find a rabbit mould. Christine came up with the goods and delivered it to us on Saturday morning, it was very much appreciated.

2008-09-13T05:38:00.002Z

Happy 18th Birthday Cam x x

It wasn't really my intention to get up early on my first Saturday off, but Hannah is working today so for the three of us to be together to give Cam his presents it has to be before 7.30 am. I thought Cam would go mad at that idea especially after he didn't finish work until 11 pm last night, but he is fine with it.

There is lots going on today, Jean, Eddie and Gill are coming at lunch time today because they can't come to his party tomorrow. Nicky, Adam and Jim are arriving mid afternoon, together with Hannah they are taking Cam out on his first "legal" drinking session tonight and then they are staying over so they are here for his party tomorrow.

I am sure there will be lots of pictures on the blog over the next couple of days.

2008-09-12T07:23:00.002Z

I can't believe where this week has gone. I have caught up on lots of sleeping, Christine came for coffee yesterday, i've had my hair cut and dramatically coloured, but other than that I have watched lots of day time tv and spent lots of time doing nothing.

I am looking forward to this weekend, it's my first weekend off in over five years and the timing is really good that it is Cam's 18th tomorrow. I know that Cam has been struggling a bit over the last couple of weeks about the fact that it's his first birthday without his dad and the fact that it's a special birthday too. I find it hard to believe that he is going to be 18 but then on the other hand he has grown up way beyond his years over the past couple of years, and since Mike's death has been a massive support to me and Hannah emotionally and has become like our great protector - sometimes I have to remind him that I am the parent here and I am big enough and ugly enough to look after myself but he has very seriously taken on the role of the man of the house. I am very proud of him and I know that Mike would have been too.

2008-09-10T03:19:00.002Z

I can't believe that I am awake at this time writing the blog. I can't sleep so decided that I would get up and have a cup of tea, after all I have all day to go back to sleep! My problems with sleeping and waking are very similar to when we first bought the shop, we felt like we were jet-lagged for weeks and that is how I feel now. Yesterday I had lots of plans of things that I wanted to do, nothing exciting just housework and shopping, but I was exhausted so went to bed at 1.45 pm and never woke up until 4 pm - that's probably why I can't sleep now, but I was so exhausted I couldn't carry on.

Hannah has got a couple of days off now so we can shop and sort out Cam's birthday. I bought new plants for the cemetery last week but haven't had a dry day to go and plant them yet so hope that today may be a bit nicer so I can do that too.

2008-09-08T06:37:00.002Z

What a change of life. I have had an extra four hours in bed and i'm sat on the sofa in my pyjamas writing the blog. Yesterday was a long day and another day that I really missed Mike's support. I had to stay at the shop until the stock take was completed and agreed, by which time the new people had ten members of their family there helping them move in. I felt a mixture of imtimidated and very alone. Although I know I have done the right thing and feel totally relieved that it has all finally happened it was strange walking away from it all.

The positive thing now is that all we have with us in our new home is positive happy memories of Mike (although in my head I regularly vividly relive certain things about that horrendous illness). I am no longer faced with standing in the mark up room remembering when it was Mike and me doing the very early mornings, no longer doing the round that was Mike's round that meant I had to pass the place every morning where Mike had his first fit. We don't have to live in a home where every room had some sort of horrendous memory of his illness, all the time that I lived there since he has gone I have been haunted by the stairs, the paramedics had real difficulty getting him down the stairs to the ambulance when he was very very ill and in the end they had to bump him down on his bum, I just wanted to scream at them to leave him alone, but there was no other option.

I have no plans today apart from going to the bank to take the last couple of days takings. Sometime this week I am going to go shopping to get Cam's birthday present and then I will have food shopping etc to do for his party on Sunday - Hannah and I intend to give him the best possible traditional party he could possibly have. I don't have any hope of finding my rabbit jelly mould so might have to do a quick internet search to sort that out too.

2008-09-07T03:36:00.002Z

Yesterday was a hectic day finishing off last minute things here. Cam came and helped me with some lifting and moving of stock and last minute cleaning. He helps keep me going, I am so thankful that so many of Mike's qualities live on in both of the kids.

Adam came to stay last night, I am really pleased because Cameron has been a bit quiet over the last few days and hopefully having Adam will lift his mood. We had pizza delivered last night to celebrate the sale of the shop and my new job.

2008-09-06T03:43:00.002Z

We finally completed on the sale of the business at 5.30 pm yesterday. It was another nightmare day, at 11.00 am the Title Deed had still not been found by the landlord's solicitor and then the earliest appointment that the buyers solicitor had for them to do the last bit of signing was 3.00 pm in Potters Bar. The documents then had to be couriered back to my solicitor who then had to deliver the appropriate ones to the landlords solicitor - the whole day was spent clock watching with a very sick feeling in my stomach. I feel like a massive weight has been lifted off my shoulders now and also quite a sense of achievement that I have managed this whole process alone. I have missed Mike massively over the last few weeks, it is really lonely and hard not having anyone to share your fears and concerns with. Even if it wasn't alright Mike would have been able to reassure me that it was.

Even though I am no longer the owner of the shop the new owners aren't taking over until Sunday so I am working this weekend. The stock take is being done tomorrow afternoon and then it is all over. Obviously I will walk away with very mixed emotions, this shop was our dream, but all our dreams were shattered in June 2006. There are many things that I will miss about the shop, the staff, the customers and the local gossip, but I am looking forward to catching up with five years worth of sleep and having a job that is only five days a week.

2008-09-05T03:01:00.002Z

I can't beleive that I am still here. After an horrendously stressful day yesterday the landlords solictor has had the documents that we need collected from storage (why this wasn't done weeks ago when it was first requested, nobody knows!) - todays plan is: they email the document to my solicitor, my solicitor will then email it to the buyers solicitor and all being well we would then be able to complete. BUT it is not that simple, the buyers are not able to be here today or tomorrow because of a family commitment so another document will be drawn up so that the completion can take place but then gives me the right to occupy, so I would continue running the business today and tomorrow, we would have a stock take on Sunday and then they take over! - watch this space, I can't actually take much more of it anymore. Together with all of this and the saga surrounding Cameron's birthday I just feel physically sick.

2008-09-04T03:26:00.002Z

I'm still here..... we came across another obstacle with the landlord's solicitor yesterday, I am not even going to think that it will be sorted today as they are full of promises but never come up with the goods.

On a brighter note I got a letter offering me the job that I went for the interview for last week - I am a mixture of amazed and happy. I can't believe that I only had to go for one interview to get a job and also that once I do finally complete on the sale of the business I can really relax for a couple of weeks without having to think about looking for a job. Meanwhile I am still waiting for newspapers to arrive, still doing a paper round in the rain and still being asked by numerous customers a day "what are you still doing here?" I just need it to all be over now.

2008-09-03T03:03:00.003Z

I'm still sat at my desk and feeling worse about everything every day. There is one obstacle after the next in everything that I do in my life. I'm not even thinking about today as it looks more likely that it will now be Thursday that we complete. Everything was prepared yesterday and then the buyer's solicitor informed mine that he didn't want it in joint names he just wanted it in the wife's name, so the whole process of getting all the documents ready and in the right place had to start again.

In addition to everything else that is going on I am attempting to organise Cameron's 18th for a week on Sunday. I asked him what he wanted to do and the answer was "nothing outrageous, I just want all my family round" - I have struggled with the idea of him being eighteen for a while, I can vividly remember Mike saying "make sure you do what he wants because I won't be here" - I have tried, but quite a large proprotion of the family can't come because they have other plans. I didn't see Cam to tell him last night and am quite concerned what his reaction will be, I will have to pick my moment today - just something else to add to my already overloaded head.

It's good to see from the comments that people are looking at the blog after seeing the article in the Willen Newsletter. Chrissie's comment just calls for some more praise for Willen and proves that the title of the article is true "you don't just go there to die" - ( Mike was in Willen when it was your anniversary and we did have bubbly and cake. I remember being impressed at the time about all the friends and family that came to celebrate your anniversary in the garden room and the effort that the hospice had made).