I've not written the blog for sometime. I have a lot of news in my life but have felt that some of it isn't really relevant to here. I started to write the blog as a way of relaying information regarding Mike's illness and how the family were doing etc, I obviously found writing it went someway to helping with the grieving process because I continued writing it well after Mike's death. I will always be thankful to those of you who read it, followed it and commented as a result.

My new Mike proposed on Valentines day and we will be getting married on 13th October 2012. I will enter that marriage with the same hopes and dreams that I entered my marriage with Mike - we were very happily married for twenty years until his death and I hope that Mike and I will now have many happy years together.

I will never ever forget Mike, he lives on in Hannah and Cameron so much - we talk about him and his antics on an almost daily basis. I think that the blog has helped me achieve so much through the very darkest days of my life, but now I feel it is time to put the blog to bed and move on with the new life that I am very fortunate to have. xxxx

It's the longest gap that I have left since blogging, but as Christmas approaches I can feel myself going down a very slippery slope.

Life has started to mend itself in a lot of ways but the challenges continue. My new Mike does his best to be there for me, but he is fortunate enough to have never experienced death of a close family member so isn't really able to see where I am coming from a lot of the time. Mike's job has taken over his life recently too and he is away working much more than he is at home and this in itself puts more pressure on me in the build up to Christmas, especially as we are having both our families to stay this year.

I still go to Mike's grave and ask the question "why?", obviously it is a question that will never be answered, but I do wonder why I was put in this position.

My dad has been ill recently too and has been in and out of hospital twice in less than a week. He has now had surgery, but seems to be making a good recovery. As a result of the surgery and much nagging from us he is unable to do as much for himself as he used to so I have taken on the role of doing his washing and ironing which entails a 140 mile round trip to collect it and drop it off each time. I sometimes just wish that life was simple and that everyone could live forever, but realistically that doesn't happen and I have had to learn that lesson.

I will be going to the Lights of Love service at the hospice next weekend, it destroys me but I have to do it, Mike and I did it a couple of years to remember my mum and now I feel it is the least I can do for Mike.

I've not blogged for some time, but have been thinking about Willen a lot recently as the Midnight Moo looms and I realise how unfit I am. The original plan was that Mike and I would walk every evening to get ready for it, but we only actually managed to do one evenings walk around Willen Lake and the following day Mike broke his foot at work. I have sort of reverted to the caring role a little, i'm back to doing the driving, but he has mastered the art of ironing sitting down so its not all bad.

Gill, Hannah and I have registered to do the Midnight Moo 10 mile walk in aid of Willen Hospice on 17th July this year. All donations would be gratefully received - you can donate on line via our Just Giving Page or we will all have sponsor forms if you would rather do it the old fashioned way. Thank you for your support x

I have just been emailing a second cousin, probably once or twice removed - he will be better at telling me what the relationship is as he is compiling a family tree. He commented in the email that he had wondered if I had emigrated because I hadn't blogged for nearly three months, so I am now confirming that I haven't although sometimes wish that I had.

It is quite ironic in relation to the blog that the email between us relates to the fact that we will be seeing him next week at the funeral of his mother (my mums cousin) - I am quite spooked by the fact that it will be five years to the day of my mums funeral, at the same place.

On a brighter note, everything else is reasonably normal. Hannah and Cameron continue to try my patience as far as they can, something I thought that kids grew out of but I am informed that they don't. (sorry to anyone that has younger kids).

Business is booming - I think swapping 3.30am starts 7 days a week to 10.30am starts 5 days a week was one of the better decisions I have made.

I face Christmas with so many mixed emotions. It never is going to be easy, the second anniversary looms and Christmas will never be the same - I have tried to sort myself out and face this Christmas with a positive attitude, I have always been a firm believer in there is always somebody worse off in the world than you, but sometimes I find it difficult to stick to that belief recently. I know things change as you get older, but somehow to me it has lost a lot of it's sparkle.

I have wonderful memories of Christmas as a child, it wasn't all particularly about expense then - it was about family and togetherness and suprises that didn't necessarily cost the earth, but were things that were saved until Christmas. These days the younger generation seem to think it is their divine right to have the best of everything when they want it - I think all understanding of the value of money has disappeared. I also have lovely memories of when our children were young and how often we used to get much more excited buying the presents than they ever were when they unwrapped them, but many years of fun and laughter was had by all. I think Christmas changed for me when my mum died - mum was very much the centre of our extended family, it was always her who cooked the big meal for everyone, she was always the one that didn't care how much mess was made by the grandchildren as long as they were happy.

My memories of Christmas' with Mike are wonderful too, I still have a red heart bauble that he attached to my present on our first Christmas, I thought this was really romantic and thoughtful - only to find out years later that he had actually stolen the bauble off of his mums tree. I remember Boxing days at Mike's parents with the whole family there and then Boxing Day evenings at Brenda and Lens playing games and drinking too much - obviously the more recent Boxing Day memories aren't such happy ones.

This Christmas I have made a few rules about where I want to be when, it is my first Christmas with my new Mike in our new home and thought it was time we had some new traditions of our own. I have asked that we have Christmas morning at home so we can open presents in our own home (we are going to Reading Christmas day for dinner etc because I couldn't not see my dad, brother, sister in law and Nicky and Adam). Boxing day will be a generally quiet relaxed day with some time out for Hannah, Cameron and me to go to the cemetery, other than that we have no plans, we don't have to make any effort to get up at any time, wear particular clothes, eat particular food etc - can't wait!

Merry Christmas and happy new year xxx