I've not written the blog for sometime. I have a lot of news in my life but have felt that some of it isn't really relevant to here. I started to write the blog as a way of relaying information regarding Mike's illness and how the family were doing etc, I obviously found writing it went someway to helping with the grieving process because I continued writing it well after Mike's death. I will always be thankful to those of you who read it, followed it and commented as a result.

My new Mike proposed on Valentines day and we will be getting married on 13th October 2012. I will enter that marriage with the same hopes and dreams that I entered my marriage with Mike - we were very happily married for twenty years until his death and I hope that Mike and I will now have many happy years together.

I will never ever forget Mike, he lives on in Hannah and Cameron so much - we talk about him and his antics on an almost daily basis. I think that the blog has helped me achieve so much through the very darkest days of my life, but now I feel it is time to put the blog to bed and move on with the new life that I am very fortunate to have. xxxx

It's the longest gap that I have left since blogging, but as Christmas approaches I can feel myself going down a very slippery slope.

Life has started to mend itself in a lot of ways but the challenges continue. My new Mike does his best to be there for me, but he is fortunate enough to have never experienced death of a close family member so isn't really able to see where I am coming from a lot of the time. Mike's job has taken over his life recently too and he is away working much more than he is at home and this in itself puts more pressure on me in the build up to Christmas, especially as we are having both our families to stay this year.

I still go to Mike's grave and ask the question "why?", obviously it is a question that will never be answered, but I do wonder why I was put in this position.

My dad has been ill recently too and has been in and out of hospital twice in less than a week. He has now had surgery, but seems to be making a good recovery. As a result of the surgery and much nagging from us he is unable to do as much for himself as he used to so I have taken on the role of doing his washing and ironing which entails a 140 mile round trip to collect it and drop it off each time. I sometimes just wish that life was simple and that everyone could live forever, but realistically that doesn't happen and I have had to learn that lesson.

I will be going to the Lights of Love service at the hospice next weekend, it destroys me but I have to do it, Mike and I did it a couple of years to remember my mum and now I feel it is the least I can do for Mike.

I've not blogged for some time, but have been thinking about Willen a lot recently as the Midnight Moo looms and I realise how unfit I am. The original plan was that Mike and I would walk every evening to get ready for it, but we only actually managed to do one evenings walk around Willen Lake and the following day Mike broke his foot at work. I have sort of reverted to the caring role a little, i'm back to doing the driving, but he has mastered the art of ironing sitting down so its not all bad.

Gill, Hannah and I have registered to do the Midnight Moo 10 mile walk in aid of Willen Hospice on 17th July this year. All donations would be gratefully received - you can donate on line via our Just Giving Page or we will all have sponsor forms if you would rather do it the old fashioned way. Thank you for your support x

I have just been emailing a second cousin, probably once or twice removed - he will be better at telling me what the relationship is as he is compiling a family tree. He commented in the email that he had wondered if I had emigrated because I hadn't blogged for nearly three months, so I am now confirming that I haven't although sometimes wish that I had.

It is quite ironic in relation to the blog that the email between us relates to the fact that we will be seeing him next week at the funeral of his mother (my mums cousin) - I am quite spooked by the fact that it will be five years to the day of my mums funeral, at the same place.

On a brighter note, everything else is reasonably normal. Hannah and Cameron continue to try my patience as far as they can, something I thought that kids grew out of but I am informed that they don't. (sorry to anyone that has younger kids).

Business is booming - I think swapping 3.30am starts 7 days a week to 10.30am starts 5 days a week was one of the better decisions I have made.

I face Christmas with so many mixed emotions. It never is going to be easy, the second anniversary looms and Christmas will never be the same - I have tried to sort myself out and face this Christmas with a positive attitude, I have always been a firm believer in there is always somebody worse off in the world than you, but sometimes I find it difficult to stick to that belief recently. I know things change as you get older, but somehow to me it has lost a lot of it's sparkle.

I have wonderful memories of Christmas as a child, it wasn't all particularly about expense then - it was about family and togetherness and suprises that didn't necessarily cost the earth, but were things that were saved until Christmas. These days the younger generation seem to think it is their divine right to have the best of everything when they want it - I think all understanding of the value of money has disappeared. I also have lovely memories of when our children were young and how often we used to get much more excited buying the presents than they ever were when they unwrapped them, but many years of fun and laughter was had by all. I think Christmas changed for me when my mum died - mum was very much the centre of our extended family, it was always her who cooked the big meal for everyone, she was always the one that didn't care how much mess was made by the grandchildren as long as they were happy.

My memories of Christmas' with Mike are wonderful too, I still have a red heart bauble that he attached to my present on our first Christmas, I thought this was really romantic and thoughtful - only to find out years later that he had actually stolen the bauble off of his mums tree. I remember Boxing days at Mike's parents with the whole family there and then Boxing Day evenings at Brenda and Lens playing games and drinking too much - obviously the more recent Boxing Day memories aren't such happy ones.

This Christmas I have made a few rules about where I want to be when, it is my first Christmas with my new Mike in our new home and thought it was time we had some new traditions of our own. I have asked that we have Christmas morning at home so we can open presents in our own home (we are going to Reading Christmas day for dinner etc because I couldn't not see my dad, brother, sister in law and Nicky and Adam). Boxing day will be a generally quiet relaxed day with some time out for Hannah, Cameron and me to go to the cemetery, other than that we have no plans, we don't have to make any effort to get up at any time, wear particular clothes, eat particular food etc - can't wait!

Merry Christmas and happy new year xxx

I've been a bit deep in thought this morning and so thought I would blog. I haven't written on here for ages but with Christmas fast approaching a lot of the nightmare memories are in the forefront of my mind.

We have the tree up at home and in the studio, all the shops are full of Christmas music and crowds, there really is no getting away from the fact that it is almost upon us again. This Sunday is the Lights of Love service at Willen, I am looking forward to it with very mixed emotions.

I saw someone in town today who said"it's getting to that time of year again, how are you going to cope" - people do say odd things, Christmas is hard because it isn't just for the fact that Mike is missing from family celebrations but the fact that it marks the anniversary of his death. We have made sure our plans for Christmas mean we will be at home on Boxing day and the three of us will be able to go to the cemetery, but as Mike would have wanted we are going to do our very best to have a good time over the festive season.

I have struggled a bit over the past few weeks. I think it has something to do with it getting darker in the evenings and this being the time of year that Mike spent the longest time in Willen. However much life moves on something reminds me of Mike every day, it's not always something related to the brain tumour it is often good, happy memories. The cemetery is looking sad at the moment because there is very little colour there, I am looking at planting bulbs so that it cheers up in the spring.

I think I am a little apprehensive about Christmas too, I am looking forward to it with mixed emotions - Mike wouldn't have wanted me to worry about it, he was the biggest kid I knew who loved Christmas and he would expect us all to carry on having happy times - sometimes it is easier said than done though.

I've not written on here for a while, I suppose it is a positive thing as it used to be a massive support to me, I suppose it means that I am coping better.

It was Cameron's 19th birthday on Sunday, I suppose that shows how time is moving on.

We have been reminded of death twice in the last couple of weeks, once by that of a very good friends husband - a friend that I made through the carers group at the hospice - the funeral is tomorrow and I have spent the last week or so re-living in my head the nightmare that it is and thinking how sometimes I wonder how I have ever come out the other side. We also heard the very sad news that a family friend had taken her own life which has put me into more deep thought.

My thoughts are very much with both families xxx

Another milestone day today. It would have been Mike's birthday, it hasn't been an easy day as Hannah had a hospital appointment that has now instigated further tests and more visits to the hospital too.

Hannah enjoyed her 21st birthday and the family gathering on Sunday. It wasn't the best weather in the world for a barbeque but Neil and Marie were stars and made sure that it went ahead come rain or shine.

Today is another milestone day, it is Hannah's 21st birthday. I will do my best to make sure she has a birthday to remember. We found out that Mike's illness was terminal on her 18th birthday and although we did our best to put on brave faces it was an horrendous time in all of our lives. Happy birthday Hannah, love you loads xxxx

Things have been pretty hectic recently. We came back from our annual extended family holiday last Saturday and then proceeded to start packing ready to move house.

We have been thinking about moving for a while, Nicky moved in with us when we started setting up the business and I have a new partner so we were getting a bit overcrowded and needed a much bigger house. I hadn't mentioned the new man in my life whose name is also Mike on the blog, as I never want anyone to think that I have forgotten MIKE in any way. He was so so special to me and we shared 22 blissfully happy years and have no doubt in my mind we would have spent the rest of our lives together if things had been different. I still think about him every day, we talk about him openly at home and visit the grave regularly. My new Mike supports us in still keeping MIKE alive in our hearts and our home.

When Mike was diagnosed and throughout the whole horrendous journey I never thought that I would ever find happiness again, but I have learn't to smile again. I need to thank Hannah and Cameron for just being them, we have been to hell and back together and I need them to know that even though I have Mike now they always will be very very important and special to me and I love them very much xx

I spent the evening talking about the blog last night for Willen Hospice. I made a recording for them about how the blog has helped me so that they can use it at their conference. The blog became my best friend throughout Mike's illness and I used to write things on it imagining that no one ever read it but felt it was the only place I could vent my anger that Mike had cancer and was dying and talk honestly about what was happening to our family. The support that I received because of it has been enormous and if me talking about it helps just one family going through similar things that we have it is well worth it.

Today is a difficult day - it is three years today that Mike had the first fit while driving along Brickhill Street delivering papers.  The date haunts me, possibly more than any other , possibly even more than Boxing Day.  I can never get my head around how everything was so normal and a nightmare began so quickly.  I can also never cease to be amazed by how brave Cameron was that day - he was with him in the car when he fitted, he dealt with paramedics and stayed at Mike's bedside until I arrived at the hospital.  I am also always thankful that Cam did deal with it as he did by taking over the steering and getting the car off the road and out of danger - they both could have been killed that morning.  Grieving for Mike is bad enough, it doesn't bare thinking about what might have been.

We finally opened last Thursday after an episode with the plumber running off with our money and holding things up.

Business is doing really well - I know I had to believe that people would want tattoos or I wouldn't have invested my money in it, but I am genuinely suprised by the interest and the amount of appointments that we have booked so far.

We are still attempting to get into a routine at home, with Nicky and me working until 6pm every day now we are trying to sort it out so everyone takes turns with the cooking etc - I have the feeling that this may take some time to get some of the members of the family to understand.

As you are aware i don't write the blog as often anymore - I feel that demonstrates to me that I am coping better now.  Not a day goes by that I don't think about Mike, a lot of times it is when something funny happens and I imagine what he would say.  Other times when the going gets tough I think what I would give to have a hug from Mike and those famous reassuring words "don't worry everything will be ok" 

Hannah and Cameron are turning into very well balanced (sometimes even responsible) adults that their dad would be really proud of.  

My new business venture is due to open in less than two weeks now.  I have gone into partnership with my niece, Nicky.  We are about to open the classiest tattoo studio ever!!   We have been planning and decorating for months now, but finally there is light at the end of the tunnel.  

I haven't blogged for a while as things seemed to have settled down a bit and have had no big dramas to report.

I went away for Easter to a converted barn in Somerset - the first time the kids have ever been left without a grandparent looking after them. They did incredibly well and Cameron thought that I would be reassured when I phoned home and he told me "they were doing ok, they hadn't even had the police round". Meanwhile I had a lovely weekend of being pampered and looked after - I still can't believe that in four days away I only made one cup of coffee and no meals.

Nicky and I got some excellent news - our planning application for change of use for the shop has been approved today. We have not been very motivated over the last week or so and been a bit edgey as the time limit has been getting close, but can now move forward and plan for the grand opening.

Cam and Adam Running the marathon