Happy 40th Birthday Gill x x

Yesterday was a slightly better day and we did some positive things. Firstly we booked our holiday, we are going away with all my family in the summer. The kids and I had talked about what we would do for a holiday this year even before Mike died and knew whatever we did would be difficult, especially as we had three very special breaks with Mike last year. We used to have big family holidays before we bought the shop and although it will be strange with Mike and my mum missing from the family I think it will be good for us all to get away together.

The second positive thing is we have re-joined the gym. We had a family membership before Mike got ill, and have now decided that it is something that the three of us can still do together. It will be good for Cam's training for the marathon and it might help me with losing some weight too.

I am meeting Christine for Starbucks today which i'm looking forward to, I miss catching up with her every Monday afternoon.

Yesterday was a slightly better day. I was awful first thing in the morning and by 9.30 am decided that I was horrendously over tired and so went back to bed for a couple of hours.

Clare eventually got to speak to someone at Carphone Warehouse, and is quietly confident that I won't (or Mike won't) hear from them again, but she wants to be the first to know if I do so she can sort them out some more. Thanks Clare x

I had my meeting with the financial advisor and have now sorted my pension and life cover, so that is another job out of the way.

Thanks to Helen for commenting on the blog yesterday, (I knew Helen from Carers, and her husband was in Willen at the same time as Mike, she also has two children at the same school as Cam. Her husband is now next door to Mike at the cemetery) I got a lot of comfort from it, she obviously feels much the same as I do and am very grateful that she had the strength to say that she feels so low too. The only way I can explain how I feel is that when your loved one is still alive and you attend carers etc, you are made to feel that you are all in the same boat and somehow don't feel sorry for yourself and are able to cope. Since Mike has died the support from Willen has continued in a different way, but the whole fact of losing him makes me feel that I am not in the same boat as anyone else anymore, but in a boat on my own that has a big hole in it and is rapidly letting in water.

I'm really beating myself up about my emotions at the moment. I don't really know how I should be feeling, but I don't like the way that I feel right now. I try to be positive about things and then something catches me unaware and trips me up every day. I always knew it would be difficult and I now feel that I was never given time to grieve my mum before Mike became ill becaue a lot of my tears are for her as well as Mike.

Hannah and I went to the cemetery yesterday, we finally had to remove the flowers, they had lasted so well. I stand at Mike's grave in total disbelief that it has happened and that I won't ever see him, touch him or hear him again.

I have to sort myself out a bit today, i've got the financial advisor coming this afternoon, sometimes it is very difficult to switch from "weeping widow" to strong business woman who needs to make important decisions. I am becoming quite well practised at saying "yes i'm ok" and "yes i'm fine" now so manage to get through most things that are thrown at me without breaking down in tears.

The Carphone Warehouse saga continues, Clare from Willen tried phoning several numbers to try to sort them out for me yesterday, but most of them gave loads of options, none of which were appropriate (there isn't one for someone has died but Carphone Warehouse continue to write to them) and then she tried a number that was on the bottom of one of the letters I had received saying "if you have any queries, do not hesitate to telephone" - this number just rang until it cut off. What sort of company are they??

I sat at my desk this morning with the idea that this is a new week, I was going to try to forget all the rubbish of last week and start again. It has all gone to pot already - I checked the business emails and Carphone Warehouse have sent Mike's phone bill via email, which is not only in his name but it states that there is a penalty to pay for his direct debit not being paid on 14th January. What do they not understand??

Nicky and Adam went home last night, Nicky has been a massive support emotionally and with the business. Every time I have got upset she's made a comforting cup of coffee (or an occasional Baileys, depending on the time of day) and she's been getting up and doing the papers with me every morning. Thanks for everything. x x

Yesterday was a busy day and I didn't really have much time to think so didn't get so upset, I was exhausted by the time I went to bed but found it very hard to go to sleep.

Sadie brought me flowers yesterday, thanks for that, they cheered me up.

Nicky, Cam and I tidied out a stock room that hasn't been touched for years. We got rid of lots of rubbish at the tip. One thing that Mike was famous for was keeping everything in case you ever needed it, we found all sorts of useless rubbish and threw it away. We have labelled all the boxes that we have kept and it all looks very organised.

I can now start organising my office. I have a plumber coming this week to remove the massive sink unit (originally it used to be a kitchen, I have a retired customer whose parents used to own the shop when he was a child and he gave us lots of history about it) I am having a small basin fitted and then it will free up space for me to move my desk. I hope that a move around will make sitting at my desk more bearable - I do most of my crying sat at this desk and did throughout Mike's illness - he always asked that I didn't get upset in front of him and the office was the only space I had to be alone.

I think yesterday was a slightly better day. I did feel slightly more in control of my tears and managed to contain them to only when I was alone in my office or my room, unlike the day before where I cried anywhere and everywhere.

We went to the cemetery yesterday and took our pots of bulbs that we had done with Sandy. I still go there in disbelief that it is Mike's grave we are going to and that he is not coming back.

Cameron has sorted the music on the ipod and went to a meeting at school with Sandy and seems to have sorted his problems out there and will go back on Monday. It is very difficult to try to get him to see that his qualifications are important for the future when he is feeling so awful about everything today - I know when I am nagging him that he needs to do stuff I am not always practising what I preach because somedays the things that I need to do seem like impossible tasks.

The proof that yesterday was a better day was that I managed to write in my book to Mike last night, the day before I had absolutely nothing positive to say and left a blank page. I can hear him saying pull yourself together and stop blubbing.

I feel I need to pull myself together today, yesterday I was in the depths of despair. Every day has new obstacles and new emotions but yesterday was probably the worst I have felt ever, even during those first few weeks after diagnosis I don't think I cried so uncontrollably as I did yesterday. I don't know what today will bring but I wil try to have a more positive approach to it.

HAPPY 6TH BIRTHDAY JAMES AND IMOGEN X X X