There was no quick fix at the dr's yesterday. He confirmed that my throat is very inflamed as is my ear, my glands in my neck and it appears everywhere else are up too. So the outcome is if I don't feel any better my the middle of next week I have got to go back and have a blood test to see if I have got glandular fever - I thought that was something that teenagers got??

I am determined to go to Reading tomorrow. I have got everything covered with the business and must go to support Cam and Adam, I am so proud of them raising money for Willen the way they are.

Today is my first weigh in at Sureslim - if I haven't lost a considerable amount of weight it will be McDonalds for dinner tonight.

I can't take feeling like this any more, I have phoned the dr and am going this morning. I had another awful night, everytime I lie down I can't swallow and have got raging earache. I so don't want to be ill for the weekend, I am looking forward to being in Reading with the family and watching the marathon, and also being in Reading gives me the opportunity to go to mum's grave on Mother's Day. I am hoping that the dr can give me a quick fix to make me feel better.

Sandy and Theresa came yesterday afternoon, it was good to see Theresa as I haven't seen her for ages and she was around a lot ,being a massive support in the last few months before Mike died. We did some more memory stuff with Sandy, she obvioulsy has some very special qualities because it was the first time that Hannah and I had sat in the same room and had a civil conversation for ages, we had a good evening too.

Jasmine has to have her injection this afternoon. I have had a bit of a cry about it - taking animals to the vet was something Mike would have done, sometimes I just wish I could share Jasmine with him as we used to share everything. He would have loved her.

Sorry the blog is late today, I felt so awful yesterday afternoon that I organised so I didn't need to get up this morning. I have now got up and had a bath and come down to my office to attempt to deal with the things that I need to. I don't know what is the matter with me - maybe it is the detox from the diet, if so I hope it goes away soon, maybe it's a flu type bug, maybe i'm a teeny weeny bit depressed? whatever it is I don't like it and hope I can conquer it soon.

Cam was very good last night, he cooked me dinner (all weighed and cooked as per instructions) and brought it to me in bed, and much to my suprise when I got up this morning the dishwasher/washing up had been done and the kitchen tidied - well done Cam, you're a star x x

Sandy from Willen is coming today, however rubbish I feel I am going to be around for her - I think we are all in desperate need for someone to talk to.

I had a better night last night, I was actually woken by the alarm rather than lying awake waiting for it to go off this morning.

My office wall was plastered yesterday and they are coming back today to move my furniture around. I do hope the change around has the effect that I want it to, I have cried so much sitting at this desk looking at a blank wall, at least in future I suppose I can cry looking out of the window!

Adam and Cam's sponsorship continues to increase, they now have £1,451.35 on www.justgiving.com/adamgutteridge , I am so proud of them, they set out to raise £200, the target then moved to £1000, and now they are well above that. Thanks to Lucy who is getting lots of sponsorship from her colleagues at work. Willen deserve every penny we can get.

Jasmine has decided that she like chewing feet, but other than that she is adorable. She is getting into a routine with sleeping at night now that Cameron doesn't sleep with her. I had enough trouble with him when he was a baby not sleeping through the night properly until he was six years old, I do not intend to go through that again with a puppy.

I had a bad night missing Mike last night, I couldn't sleep and just couldn't get him out of my head - it still feels unreal. Over the time that he was ill I got quite used to him being in Willen and in hospital but last night found it really hard to get my head around he is never coming back.

I didn't feel as unwell yesterday, although I slept for four hours in the afternoon. I do think that this diet is achievable, but only if I don't feel how I did on Saturday.

Nicky and Adam went home last night, they are both a massive support to Cam and me, but sadly Hannah pushes any offer of help or support away and carries on like she knows best, sadly she doesn't and is making a lot of mistakes that she is going to regret - I have tried so so hard to support her and guide her, but everytime I think that we are making any progress she does something else that upsets everything again. I cannot continue to live like this, I did a lot of things for her while Mike was still alive just to keep the peace and to stop Mike worrying about more things than he needed to, but I can't take it any more.

I had an unexpected visit from Gill yesterday. It was really good to see her, she took lots of photo's of Jasmine too.

I was very good on my diet, but felt really unwell, I went to bed twice during the day with a headache and a very sick feeling. Eventually I took my migraine medication and felt much better. I can't believe how much rubbish I really have been eating - when we went shopping on Friday there was so many ailses in Tesco that we didn't even need to go down because all the food in them is banned. There was so many times yesterday that I would have normally just had a Mars bar or something to see me through the day rather than thinking about what I am eating, so it is a whole change of routine.

Cameron and Adam went to the gym training yesterday, they have raised over £1,400 now so their new target is £2,000, but the marathon is next Sunday so they're running out of time. Unless they get up this morning to go to the gym I don't think there will be much training today, Chelsea and Tottenham are playing this afternoon, Chelsea being Cam's team and Tottenham being Adam's - I sense there will be tears before bedtime for one of them.

More pictures of Jasmine - I think her pink bone says it all!

Today is the first day of my diet. I went to Sureslim yesterday for my blood test results which thankfully are all pretty normal. I have been worrying a bit since I had it done that they might find something wrong with me. We went to Tesco and I only bought things that are allowed on the diet so there is no temptation to eat rubbish, other than the shop full of chocolate and crisps of course.

Adam arrived last night, it's the last weekend of training for the marathon. I don't know how early they will be up to go to the gym because when I got up this morning Cam and Adam are both asleep in the living room with the puppy.

Helen called in to see me yesterday, she said she had been reading the blog and felt that I needed a hug (thanks Helen). We chatted about Mike and John and the fact that we are glad they are neighbours.

Jasmine

Today has been a better day. The car went into the garage and thankfully it is fine.

Christine gave me a call at lunch time and came round for coffee and a chat this afternoon. It was a really nice suprise that she called and good to catch up.

Our new pet moved in today too. When Mike was ill and going through horrendous chemo and needed to be kept infection free we had to rehome our pets - he always said that we should get ourselves a new puppy when things had settled a bit so we have. Jasmine is nothing like any pet we have had before, she is a tiny bundle of fluff, but will be company for me when the kids aren't at home as well as give us all something a bit more positive to focus on generally.

Just when I thought it couldn't get much worse, it did. I have not felt right for a couple of days and went to the dr's yesterday to be told that I have a kidney infection. I don't know if it was just me, but I felt really uncomfortable there. Mike had had issues with that particular dr, and I felt that maybe my sir name had rung alarm bells in his head! - he didn't actually look at me once, it's a good job I had something straight forward wrong with me.

I gave Cameron a lift to the gym in the afternoon, I stopped at a roundabout, but the car behind me didn't and went straight into the back of me. Thankfuly there is no visible damage on my car, but it is going into the garage today to be checked over.

Sometimes I feel that I walk around with a sign on my head that says "if you've got any crap give it me".

I've made a decision that I need to start looking out for myself. I have been quite scared by my feelings over the last few days and really have not been able to see any glimmer of hope that I will ever get through this dreadful time.

I had an email from Helen yesterday that reassured me that a lot of my feelings are "normal" if you can say what she and her family and me and my family are going through is normal! I no longer feel dreadfully guilty that the housework isn't done (although I do still feel that it would be nice if the kids helped while I am working). It is really good being in contact with Helen because her situation is very similar to mine.

Nicky is still here and being a great help and support. She has tried really hard to make Hannah and Cameron understand where i'm coming from but they take it that she is siding with me - in fact she is really trying to help them but they can't see it.

I'm struggling again today. I'm back to thinking that things will never feel any better. I don't know what else to do to make the kids understand that I am really struggling too and can't take much more of their inconsiderate behaviour. I seem to be sent on a guilt trip by them all the time, in addition to working fourteen hour days and being exhausted I can't cope with it. Every time I tackle them about the lack of help that they give me or attempt to tell them that I am tired and can't handle it I am accused of not having any consideration for their grief. I hold my hands up, if I have messed up, there is no text book that tells you how to deal with your kids through their dad's terminal illness and death (especially as the two kids are so very different and their needs obviously are too), but right now I feel that I want to lock myself away and let them find out how hard this life that we are left with is if you have to cope with it alone.

Paper boys continue to be off, thankfully Nicky has now decided that she is going to stay for the week so i've got some help.

Cameron and Adam spent hours at the gym yesterday training and came home and cooked us dinner - how impressive is that?

I am going to make a big effort to have a better week than last week, although I have got up this morning humming "Thank you for the days", which isn't a good start - the words are so meaningful and manage to set me off every time I hear it. I can cope with hearing The Police song that we went into church to, but can't handle the one we came out to.

Emotionally yesterday was a better day, but the business was a nightmare. It's half term and have paper boys off on holiday in addition to two being sick. Nicky, Hannah and I had to cover 3 and a half rounds yesterday, Adam and Cam covered half a round too - I hope today is a bit better.

Nicky and Adam were due to go home last night, but Nicky decided that she would stay and help me out a bit longer (I didn't have to twist her arm too much) - Thanks Nic, I really appreciate it x x

We picked up the plaque to go on the cross for Mike's grave yesterday, Alex kindly put it on for us and we took it to the cemetery - it looks really good. I can't go anywhere without knowing someone, I even met a customer at the cemetery (one that had phoned earlier complaining that his paper was late).

I went to bed and removed myself from the situation for a lot of the day yesterday. I have tried to have a very honest conversation with the kids about how difficult I am finding it at the moment, I don't know what affect, if any it will have on them.

Nicky and Adam arrived last night, they cheer me up a bit. Gill is coming to visit this afternoon too. I knew it was going to be hard, but I didn't think it would be like this.

Today is an awful day already and it is only 6.55 am. I have cried more this morning and during the night last night than I have ever. I really don't see any way out of my grief, everything just seems to stack up against me and there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I am still constantly doing battle with companies and banks etc - yesterday I had a telephone call from the bank regarding a form I had signed, (considering this bank have seen the original death certificate and the original will) saying that they couldn't accept the form as the other partner hadn't signed it. What bit of Mike has died do people not understand?????

I really don't know how much longer I can carry on with Hannah and Cameron behaving the way that they do. In my opinion (and that is only my opinion, maybe theirs is very different) I have done everything I possibly can to support them throughout Mike's illness and since his death. I have excused their behaviour and their laziness and put it down to the fact that no teenager should have to go through what they've been through, but now rightly or wrongly, I don't feel that I should be going through what I am. I didn't ask to be a widow at 41 and i'm not asking for the earth.

I went to the cemetery and told Mike all my woes yesterday, but I no longer have the luxury of him giving me a hug and telling me it is all going to be alright, because it's not.

I know that today is going to be a difficult one before it even starts. People tell me that the first year of anniversarys etc are always the worst. Valentine's day is good for business but not for my emotions. I am going to the cemetery this morning, i'll still tell him how much I love him. x x

We have got our induction at the gym this afternoon. Cameron is really looking forward to it, but i'm not so sure! I had my blood test done at Sureslim yesterday so this is the beginning of the new look me!

Cameron's number etc for the marathon arrived yesterday, he's really excited about it. Cam and Adam are raising lots of money for Willen Hospice - you can still sponsor them on www.justgiving.com/adamgutteridge , so far they have got £370 donated on there but have approximately another £300 on their sponsor forms and the pot on the counter. They aim to raise £1000, so all donations would be gratefully received.

Sandy came and did memory boxes with us yesterday. It looked like we were doing a Blue Peter activity, but we all enjoyed it (I don't know if enjoyed is an appropriate use of words) - Once again Sandy was a star. x

Yesterday was a hard day. I don't ever seem to be making any progress, I just seem to be treading water all the time just to keep my head above it. I often feel that everytime I think that I have dealt with something then something else appears just to give me a bit more grief.

I was exhausted yesterday, I was up at 3.30 am and was on the go constantly until the shop closed at 5.00 pm. Marie was off sick in the afternoon, she apologised so much for not being able to come in and kept saying how bad she felt about letting me down - Marie has never let me down, it was her and Neil that cancelled a long weekend away when Mike was ill to support me and make sure the shop continued to run as normal, and who were away at a hotel at Christmas but when I phoned her on Boxing day to tell them Mike had died they packed their stuff and were back with me within a couple of hours. You are both stars and massive support to me x x

I must admit that it was weird being in the shop on my own for what turned out to be only about an hour and a half, because Judy came back and did the rest of the afternoon. I did have a bit of a moment though, I was sat at the counter reading Phonebox (our local magazine) and there was an artical about St Peter and St Pauls church, with a picture of the inside of the church - in a split second I relived the funeral and tears started rolling down my cheeks. I had to pull myself together really quickly.

I am having problems with one of my teenagers too. I will not mention any names, but they know who they are. I am fed up with banging my head against a brick wall - I have one that has so much more consideration for me since Mike has gone and one that seems to not care less about anyone but theirself. I have tried really hard to always remember that we are all grieving and although I know the pain of losing my husband and best friend I do not know the pain of losing my dad as a teenager and have tried to accommodate their needs all the time. I am now at a stage where I am no longer willing to accept that all unreasonable behaviour is as a result of their loss. If I just carried on doing what I have felt like sometimes throughout Mike's illness and since, without taking anyone else into account we would have no business, no home and no money!

I eventually had my till screen replaced yesterday - it seems like a luxury having them both working again.

I had a busy day filing yesterday, I hate filing but the plumber is coming to sort the basin in the office today and so I needed to have a big clear out.

I spoke to Sandy at Willen yesterday about the bereavement visitor who was due to be coming on Thursday. I don't feel that I am ready for it, sometimes Mike's name only has to be mentioned and i'm in floods of tears and don't feel that I am up to talking about my innermost feelings with a stranger.

I still only have one till...... I phoned the company yesterday morning to "check that they would be coming" to be told they have now had to order a part and it will be Monday or Tuesday before it arrives. I have now lost my patience, I was told that there was nobody in authority I could speak to yesterday because they don't work Sundays (lucky them), but I do have the name of the customer service manager now who will be hearing from me at 9.00 am. (although I am ready for the fact that there will be lots of excuses why he can't speak to me).

The weekend has been a bit of a struggle, and speaking to Jean last night she said she finds the weekends hard too. I know that part of my problem is when the shop is closed on a Sunday afternoon used to be our sleep time - the only time that I don't have to be woken by an alarm. Mike and I used to do a lot of our talking before we slept and now my bedroom has this awful silence about it.

I went to visit a customer of ours last night who has been in hospital and unwell for a while, I had thought about going to see her for some time, but yesterday I had this overwhelming feeling of Mike telling me I should go, I know he would have gone if he had been here. Mike always told me and the kids that he'd be watching us, and true to the words of the song that we walked into church to for his funeral, I feel him watching me all the time.

The saga with the till continues..... at lunch time yesterday the engineer arrived to install the new LCD screen to find that he had brought the wrong one. I am getting very fed up with it now and have politely as possible told him so. He assures me that they do work Sundays and it will be here today. I pay for cover so my tills are never out of action and now I am on to the third day with only one working. The engineer even had the cheek to ask if I needed two tills, I did rant a bit at that point.

I decided that yesterday was the day that I needed to sort Mike's things out, I took things out of the wardrobe and put them in bags. Marie and Neil are going to take it all to the Willen shop in Stony Stratford for me. I couldn't even see what I was doing at the beginning for the tears rolling down my cheeks, but I convinced myself they were only clothes, my memories of him wearing them will stay with me. Hannah kept one of his fleeces and Cameron has kept some of his ties, I didn't keep any of his clothes but I have got the pillowcase that I took off the bed the last time he had slept in it safely put away. Everytime I have opened the wardrobe door since he has died I have got upset seeing his clothes, this morning I got upset because I didn't see them - grieving is a no win situation!

I also made another big decision yesterday. Christine has inspired me so much by all the weight she has lost by going to Sureslim that I joined yesterday, I have to go for a blood test on Wednesday and will be given my diet in seven to ten days. I have thought a lot about my weight and my health recently, I did far too much comfort eating throughout Mike's illness and latterly we lived on far too many take aways. I can't put my health at risk anymore, I need to do everything I can to be around for Hannah and Cameron.

Thanks Helen for commenting on the blog yesterday, you will never know how much comfort I get from knowing that Mike is not alone and John is just next door. x

Today has started better in as much as my alarm went off and I am up in time. I am still only down to one till in the shop and that will prove to be a bit of a nightmare on a Saturday morning. An engineer came out yesterday to tell me what I already knew, that my LCD screen isn't working, he assures me that a new one will be delivered today - I am beginning to get ever so slightly angry now.

I had a bit of a bad day yesterday, I had a really nice email from Steve, the chaplain that did Mike's service in response to yesterdays blog. It gave me a lot of comfort on mum's birthday and also the fact that he told me that there are a lot of good people where Mike is.

We went to the cemetery yesterday and planted polyanthus plants all over the grave, it looks very colourful now. Cameron walked around looking at headstones, he has a slight problem with the one that Hannah and I like because he says it has too obviously got a space for me. I have told him that I have no intentions of going anywhere for a long time, but can understand that he can't be expected to believe that because Mike had no intention of being ill either.

I am struggling a bit on the shop with Valentines and Mother's day, and will be glad when they are both over.

I've overslept for the second morning running, so you would think things can only get better! I have now discovered that I only had the alarm on my phone set to go off on a Tuesday and Wednesday, not much help when you need to get up at 3.30 am every day, but I have sorted that now.

The day hasn't got any better, one of my tills isn't working. I rang the company to which I pay a massive amount of money for twenty four hour cover to be told that the technical department doesn't start until 8.00 am - I very politely told them that I hoped they had their facts wrong as my agreement with them reads that it is platinum cover which means that there is 24 hour technical help. I eventually got a call back at 7.30 am (from a man that obviously works from home, that had a screaming baby in the background) to be told that my LCD screen needs replacing and it will hopefully be done today - for their sake (as well as my business') I hope very much that it is today too.

I met Christine for coffee yesterday afternoon. I often think about how many really nice people I have met through Willen. We talked a lot about what a naff hand life has dealt us, I think Christine is amazing - she has dealt with her husband being ill for ten years, I can't imagine how difficult that can be. Although I miss Mike so much, the eighteen months he was ill was a battle - he tried so hard to cope with the symptoms and was so brave, whilst I battled to make life at home for him and the kids as "normal" as possible and to make sure that he had the best treatment and the best chances at all times. I'm sure Christine would agree that I don't know what any of us would do without Willen - they really soften the blow.

Today is a sad day for me, had my mum still been alive she would have been 75 today - another person that I loved so much taken from us by cancer. I try to make myself feel better about it by believing there is a heaven and that Mike and her are sat having a cup of tea and a good gossip about everybody just as they did when they were alive. I love and miss them both so much x x

Happy 40th Birthday Gill x x

Yesterday was a slightly better day and we did some positive things. Firstly we booked our holiday, we are going away with all my family in the summer. The kids and I had talked about what we would do for a holiday this year even before Mike died and knew whatever we did would be difficult, especially as we had three very special breaks with Mike last year. We used to have big family holidays before we bought the shop and although it will be strange with Mike and my mum missing from the family I think it will be good for us all to get away together.

The second positive thing is we have re-joined the gym. We had a family membership before Mike got ill, and have now decided that it is something that the three of us can still do together. It will be good for Cam's training for the marathon and it might help me with losing some weight too.

I am meeting Christine for Starbucks today which i'm looking forward to, I miss catching up with her every Monday afternoon.

Yesterday was a slightly better day. I was awful first thing in the morning and by 9.30 am decided that I was horrendously over tired and so went back to bed for a couple of hours.

Clare eventually got to speak to someone at Carphone Warehouse, and is quietly confident that I won't (or Mike won't) hear from them again, but she wants to be the first to know if I do so she can sort them out some more. Thanks Clare x

I had my meeting with the financial advisor and have now sorted my pension and life cover, so that is another job out of the way.

Thanks to Helen for commenting on the blog yesterday, (I knew Helen from Carers, and her husband was in Willen at the same time as Mike, she also has two children at the same school as Cam. Her husband is now next door to Mike at the cemetery) I got a lot of comfort from it, she obviously feels much the same as I do and am very grateful that she had the strength to say that she feels so low too. The only way I can explain how I feel is that when your loved one is still alive and you attend carers etc, you are made to feel that you are all in the same boat and somehow don't feel sorry for yourself and are able to cope. Since Mike has died the support from Willen has continued in a different way, but the whole fact of losing him makes me feel that I am not in the same boat as anyone else anymore, but in a boat on my own that has a big hole in it and is rapidly letting in water.

I'm really beating myself up about my emotions at the moment. I don't really know how I should be feeling, but I don't like the way that I feel right now. I try to be positive about things and then something catches me unaware and trips me up every day. I always knew it would be difficult and I now feel that I was never given time to grieve my mum before Mike became ill becaue a lot of my tears are for her as well as Mike.

Hannah and I went to the cemetery yesterday, we finally had to remove the flowers, they had lasted so well. I stand at Mike's grave in total disbelief that it has happened and that I won't ever see him, touch him or hear him again.

I have to sort myself out a bit today, i've got the financial advisor coming this afternoon, sometimes it is very difficult to switch from "weeping widow" to strong business woman who needs to make important decisions. I am becoming quite well practised at saying "yes i'm ok" and "yes i'm fine" now so manage to get through most things that are thrown at me without breaking down in tears.

The Carphone Warehouse saga continues, Clare from Willen tried phoning several numbers to try to sort them out for me yesterday, but most of them gave loads of options, none of which were appropriate (there isn't one for someone has died but Carphone Warehouse continue to write to them) and then she tried a number that was on the bottom of one of the letters I had received saying "if you have any queries, do not hesitate to telephone" - this number just rang until it cut off. What sort of company are they??

I sat at my desk this morning with the idea that this is a new week, I was going to try to forget all the rubbish of last week and start again. It has all gone to pot already - I checked the business emails and Carphone Warehouse have sent Mike's phone bill via email, which is not only in his name but it states that there is a penalty to pay for his direct debit not being paid on 14th January. What do they not understand??

Nicky and Adam went home last night, Nicky has been a massive support emotionally and with the business. Every time I have got upset she's made a comforting cup of coffee (or an occasional Baileys, depending on the time of day) and she's been getting up and doing the papers with me every morning. Thanks for everything. x x

Yesterday was a busy day and I didn't really have much time to think so didn't get so upset, I was exhausted by the time I went to bed but found it very hard to go to sleep.

Sadie brought me flowers yesterday, thanks for that, they cheered me up.

Nicky, Cam and I tidied out a stock room that hasn't been touched for years. We got rid of lots of rubbish at the tip. One thing that Mike was famous for was keeping everything in case you ever needed it, we found all sorts of useless rubbish and threw it away. We have labelled all the boxes that we have kept and it all looks very organised.

I can now start organising my office. I have a plumber coming this week to remove the massive sink unit (originally it used to be a kitchen, I have a retired customer whose parents used to own the shop when he was a child and he gave us lots of history about it) I am having a small basin fitted and then it will free up space for me to move my desk. I hope that a move around will make sitting at my desk more bearable - I do most of my crying sat at this desk and did throughout Mike's illness - he always asked that I didn't get upset in front of him and the office was the only space I had to be alone.

I think yesterday was a slightly better day. I did feel slightly more in control of my tears and managed to contain them to only when I was alone in my office or my room, unlike the day before where I cried anywhere and everywhere.

We went to the cemetery yesterday and took our pots of bulbs that we had done with Sandy. I still go there in disbelief that it is Mike's grave we are going to and that he is not coming back.

Cameron has sorted the music on the ipod and went to a meeting at school with Sandy and seems to have sorted his problems out there and will go back on Monday. It is very difficult to try to get him to see that his qualifications are important for the future when he is feeling so awful about everything today - I know when I am nagging him that he needs to do stuff I am not always practising what I preach because somedays the things that I need to do seem like impossible tasks.

The proof that yesterday was a better day was that I managed to write in my book to Mike last night, the day before I had absolutely nothing positive to say and left a blank page. I can hear him saying pull yourself together and stop blubbing.

I feel I need to pull myself together today, yesterday I was in the depths of despair. Every day has new obstacles and new emotions but yesterday was probably the worst I have felt ever, even during those first few weeks after diagnosis I don't think I cried so uncontrollably as I did yesterday. I don't know what today will bring but I wil try to have a more positive approach to it.

HAPPY 6TH BIRTHDAY JAMES AND IMOGEN X X X