Today is the first anniversary of Mike's death. Christmas has been different this year, but it was always going to be with a very important member of our family no longer here to share it with.

We went to the Chelsea game, we had a really good time and I took a lot of comfort from Cam saying "we couldn't be any closer to dad if we tried - this is as close to heaven as you can get"

I can't believe where the year has gone, I have tried really hard not to reflect on what i was doing this time last year. All our "firsts" are over, although I know there are still going to be difficult times I feel that we can move on a little more now.

Hannah, Cameron and I have been talking about Christmas a lot over the past few days - I think all three of us have a bit of a guilt feeling about possibly having a good time. We are now all in agreement that Mike loved Christmas and everything about it, he would be looking down on us getting really cross if we were busy being sad.

We have reflected on 2008 a lot too, all I can say is that in January I couldn't honestly see any way forward, I could never imagine living any sort of life again. It's not been an easy journey but as the year has gone on we have all managed to overcome some massive hurdles - every birthday and every anniversary has been a struggle but we have got through.

Hannah and Cam have been amazing and shown such strength of character that I never imagined they possessed. (maybe it's more of Mike living on in them). I just need you both to know that I don't think I could have got through without you, I love you very much and am so proud of you and what you have achieved this year - dad would be very proud of you too x x

A Blue Christmas

The three of us had a really good day yesterday, we went to Stamford Bridge to the Carol concert. Hannah and Cam have been working long hours recently and it was nice for the three of us to be together. Cam bought the cd of Chelsea anthems at the megastore and so we had a good sing song on the way home too.

Cam tried to convice me that our Christmas tree should have been in Chelsea colours this year but I refused and went for the traditional look. Our angel does have a bit of a twist though - it's got Chelsea wings.

I'm going to try and start doing some positive thinking today. I have been in a bit of a black hole over the past week. The headstone arriving had a bigger impact on me than I thought it would, and there is the inevitable lead up to Christmas and that first anniversary.

I was shopping yesterday and they were playing Johnny Mathis A child is born which set me off getting upset about not having my mum in my life anymore too. We were brought up in a home where Johnny Mathis was always playing and a child is born was always on at Christmas. I am getting a bit worried about how sentimental I have been this week as I also got upset when I heard Chasing Cars - Cam and Mike used to lie on the bed together singing it.

I don't really know how I am feeling today, other than gutted. I didn't get the Willen shop managers job, the letter said "It has been offered to someone with more relevant experience" - I really don't know what else I could have done, I managed my shop for five and a half years, eighteen months of that on my own and caring for a terminally ill husband at the same time. I had so much to give, I did all my research for the interview and visited several of the shops and could have done that job with a passion for a cause that I really believed in. Today as I do on several occasions I feel that there is no justice in this world.

I have had to stand up brush myself down and carry on so many times over the last few years so I am sure that now will be no different - I will have to think that it is their loss not mine. I will now just wait until after Christmas when all the first anniversaries are done and then re-assess where I want to go with my life.

The headstone issue has been sorted. Marie phoned the company on Friday and told them how happy I was with the headstone and surround, but how disappointed and distasteful I thought it was that they had put their name in such large letters right across the front of one of the corner vases. I received a letter yesterday saying that if it being there meant that I am not 100% happy with their workmanship they will remove it. I have spoken to them and it will be removed shortly. Thanks Marie, you're a star - it may seem a little trivial but I really had an issue that giving Mike a nice grave was the last thing I could do for him and I had been very specific about what I wanted and it had been ruined.

Cameron and I are going to Stamford Bridge today, Hannah did have the chance to come but didn't want to - she wants her first match to be the Boxing Day one, but she is coming with us on 17th December to the Chelsea Carol Concert.

The plan tomorrow is for Hannah and me to go Christmas shopping. I have nearly finished now but she hasn't started. After driving to the city yesterday and going around four car parks looking for a space and eventually thinking I couldn't be bothered I came home and done most of what was left on line. I have only got one to do now thankfully.

This week has been a challenging one to say the least. I have been to the grave every day since the headstone was done just to get my head around it - I have now decided that Mike would of loved it and he couldn't have chosen it better himself. (although I do think he would have something to say about the fact that the company that did it have engraved their name at the foot of the grave almost as big as his)

My stress was added to following Hannah's hospital appointment on Wednesday which brought not particularly good news - sometimes I just think that I would like to be able to step out of my life and live someone elses for a while. I have survived the last two and half years telling myself things have got to get better, sometimes I get a little bit impatient these days wondering when.

I have to admit I am not dreading Christmas as much as I thought I would be, I do sometimes feel that it is wrong that i'm not, but know that Mike would be really cross if we sat crying about it all the time. Our tickets to Stamord Bridge for Boxing day arrived today - maybe it is a little bit of a bizzare way to mark the first anniversary, but the three of us have spoken about how we wanted to handle the day for months now, and agreed that we wanted it to be just the three of us and to do something that we would never have done had Mike been here.

Today has been a challenging day. The headstone was put on Mike's grave and it somehow makes it feel really final. Standing looking at his name and the date he died in big letters really hits a nerve. I am really pleased with it and it is well worth the wait but it didn't stop me crying about it. It lives up to all the instructions that he gave me while he was ill, he had told me what he didn't want it to look like not exactly what it had to look like - Cameron chose the shape, Hannah chose the colour and I chose the words but it is all inkeeping with what he wanted. I hope that I have succesfully carried out all his wishes as I promised him I would.

I'm missing Mike this morning. I've got my interview today and miss having my own personal recruitment consultant giving me tips on what to wear, what to say and what not to say. I know if he was here his comments would be "just go and be yourself" and that "some degree of nerves is healthy" I have done lots of research and am as prepared as I possibly can be so just want it to be over now.

As expected the piper made me cry at the Lights of Love. Everytime I hear bagpipes I have a vivid image in my head of our wedding day and all the hopes and dreams we had. Hannah was very composed throughout the whole service, in fact at one stage she was swaying to the music. We went with Marie and Neil and met Helen there - Helen and I keep talking about going out and getting drunk one night to drown our sorrows, she mentioned it again yesterday so I think we just need to bring it on.

When I got home Cameron nagged and nagged about putting the Christmas tree up, I did ask him whether he was 18 or 8, but he just kept saying very innocently "how can you not be excited about Christmas?" In a way I am relieved that he obviously isn't dreading it, I think Cam grieves in a very different way to me. Sometimes he says things that make it obvious that he has been really thinking about his dad, but anniversaries and dates don't seem to bother him. I dreaded his 18th birthday without Mike much more than he ever did and am glad that he is looking forward to Christmas without the memories of last year spoiling his fun. He wore me down in the end and the Christmas tree is now up.