It's another Monday morning and I sit here wondering what delights this week is going to throw at me. Sometimes I disappear into deep thought and re-live the last few years and think that there can't be anything else left that can happen to test me anymore. I have forgotten what normality was like - when I used to complain to Mike about what now seems like minor things he used to say "life would be boring if everything went smoothly". I am fed up with the bumpy ride now and so have asked Mike to up his game, and remember to keep his part of our promises to each other and to watch over me and look out for me forvever x x
I've learnt a massive lesson this week. "never get complacent" - I had been getting to the stage of thinking that everything was ticking along quite nicely and there was a glimmer of normality in our lives - not the normality that we were used to, or even the normality that we long for but day to day living seemed that bit easier. This week grief has smacked one of us in the face full on, the three of us are doing our best to help each other through it, but it's times like this that I just wish Mike was around to advise me how to handle it. That's a bit of a stupid thing to think because if he was we wouldn't be feeling like this. Grief is an horrendous emotion and it hits you when you least expect it. There have been so many occasions over the past fourteen months that I have prepared the kids and myself for because I know it's going to be difficult, at times I have been pleasanly suprised that it wasn't as bad as I imagined. It's times like now when it appears out of the blue and takes a hold that it is really difficult. It is not only hard for the one that is feeling it but for the other two as well - it brings all sorts of emotions flooding back. It makes me feel inadequate as a mother - mums are supposed to have all the answers and be able to make things better.
I've been struggling a bit over the last week - I have not felt well for over a week now and if I am honest with myself probably felt not 100% for a little while before that. I didn't want to go to the dr but finally had to give in, I was told I had vertigo and sent on my way. I am feeling no better and am fed up with feeling dizzy, headachy and sick, so I have made an appointment to go back. Everything seems so much more difficult when you don't feel well - I need to get back to doing some positive thinking and stop my thoughts of self pity.
Mike used to love the snow, apart from as a newsagent when paper boys let us down. We made him a snowman - it would be rude not to put him in Chelsea gear!
Thankyou
My first thank you must go to Mike, not only my husband but my very best friend. He has always been there for me and now I am doing all I can to be there for him. Unfortunately, nothing can prepare you for the devastating news that we received last June, and no text book can tell you how to behave and how to deal with it.
Mike has been so brave throughout all of this, we have laughed together and cried together, but Mike has found the strength to help me to continue to plan a future for me, the kids and the business. He really is a very special person.
The Kids
I don't know where I would be without Hannah and Cameron (though probably a little less grey). I need them to know that I really love them and appreciate them, even if sometimes because of the situation here stress gets the better of me and I snap.
The memory of the day that we told them that Mike's illness is terminal will haunt me forever. I felt so helpless, it is the first time that a kiss, a hug (or money) couldn't make the news any better for them. Mike insisted that he was the one to tell them, I can't imagine how hard it was for him, I think he's amazing and although it's hard to think of it now I think the kids will respect him for it too. Love you both x x
Jean & Eddie
I need to do a big thank you to Jean and Eddie (Mike's mum and dad). They arrived the morning that Mike was first admitted to hospital and stayed for fourteen weeks. They have been a tremendous support throughout all of this. Obviously they are grieving too, but the support that they have given to Mike, me and the kids has been fantastic.
They have helped both emotionally and practically, without them I do not know what we would have done - All the shopping, cooking, washing, ironing, cleaning and dog walking was done by them. Jean is the only person that has just hugged me and allowed me to cry until I have no more tears left. Eddie did loads of DIY jobs that Mike had planned for years (Mike has always liked the power tools and planning projects but not been very keen to do them). Between them everything was cleaned, painted, cleaned again and made sterile for Mike to have the very best chance of not getting any infections throughout his chemo.
I also thank them for appreciating that when things had settled slightly and I had the business organised they allowed us the time to get back to "normal" family life.
Family
Everyone has been brilliant, I worry that if I start naming people I might forget someone, but I will attempt to without sounding like I have won an Oscar or something.
Gill (Mike's sister) has been great - phones, texts and visits regularly (always good on a Saturday night when a visit from Gill and Pete includes a KFC). She sends good humoured cards regularly which always manage to make us smile.
Karen (Mike's sister) phones and visits regularly, her extensive medical knowledge has helped enormously by helping us to ask "the right questions". Karen did food shopping for us when all we had in the fridge was garlic bread and jam (not a nice combination).
Nicky and Adam (our niece and nephew) have helped us by just being themselves. They text and email the kids and visit whenever they can. They manage to make life seem normal. Nicky continues to call Mike by her pet name Uncle Tosspot which always lightens the mood.
More Family
My dad has always been at the end of the phone for me, I know that if I needed him he would get in the car and be here. I don't speak to my brother Mark as much as I should, for some reason when I come off the phone from a conversation with him I get really upset.
Our aunties, uncles and cousins have been great too. A special thanks to Chris and Wendy who send cards at regular intervals to let us know that they are still thinking about us - this means a lot.
Newport News
I don't know how to thank Marie, Ingrid, Judy (& David) and Mel enough. Without them at times there wouldn't have been any Newport News.
Everyone has changed their hours, extended their hours, changed their jobs to make sure that 900 customers get their papers every day, seven days a week. They have not only worked incredibly hard they have always been sensitive to the situation. Thank you all so much.
Not forgetting the delivery boys & girls who 99% of the time have been fab too.
Our customers have been really thoughtful too. In the first month of Mike's illness he received over 100 cards. Many customers ask for updates on Mike's progress on a regular basis. Newport is a place where news travels fast so most people know what is going on quite quickly.
Highfield
Thanks to all Mike's old colleagues from Highfield. Emma has been great, phones and visits regularly and helps keep Mike up to speed with any gossip he needs to know about. Cam, Steph, Matt and Sally have all visited too and brought with them their share of "important information" for him, not forgetting the fact that Sally ran a half marathon and raised funds for Willen Hospice - I really appreciate this as you will see below they have been a tremendous support to all four of us. Sherilyn has phoned regularly and visited - Mike was really disappointed that he was not well enough to make it to her wedding at Christmas. Sadly, Sherilyn is now ill too and our love and thoughts go to her, Mike and the girls.
I hope I haven't forgotten anyone because I know you have all been great.
And many more..........
There are so many more people that have helped in so many ways. I need to mention Andrew, my old boss - he keeps in contact at least weekly and as always is a really great listener.
Sadie from Country Clover Florist has been great, arrives with flowers every time the going gets tough. Sadie is also training hard to run The London Marathon in aid of Willen Hospice, although we are really proud of her for doing this I do have concerns that my chocolate sales are falling whilst she is in training. Alex and Ryan Pink from the cycle shop across the road have visited Mike in hospital and at home - they always manage to make him laugh.
The list is endless..........
Willen Hospice
A massive thank you goes to Willen Hospice. If this site gains nothing else I would like people to be aware of the amazing work that they do. I really wish that I could do something to promote the fact that they give you so much support in life and that the hospice is not a morbid place at all.
Mike attends the day hospice every Wednesday from 10.30 am to 3.30 pm. It gives him a chance to meet other people facing the same illness and the opportunity to do pottery and painting. I go to the carers group at the hospice on a Monday afternoon, all we do is eat cake and drink tea (not good for the ever expanding waist line, but very good for the soul). It is the one place in the world that you can talk about how you really feel and people really know how you feel because they are all going through it too.
The family support worker, Sandy is brilliant, she has supported us all so much - I don't know where we would be without her.
Liz is another star from Willen, she is the first contact that we had and has guided us the whole way through this horrendous journey. Like Sandy, Liz is always at the end of the phone to give advice and visits regularly as well.
If you click on the link below you will be directed to their website.
www.willen-hospice.org.uk
