I can't believe that it is morning again already. I didn't stop all day yesterday and I have woken up this morning with that feeling that I really must get a sleep in the day today or I won't be able to carry on.

After doing my paper round I was busy in the shop, being the beginning of the month there are loads of magazines and I am double checking the information held on the computer for them all is correct as we book them in. I then thought I would have a bit of a clear out in my wardrobe and with very little effort managed to fill a black sack for the Willen shop and a black sack for the bin man. I saw two reps who I tried to pretend I was interested in listening to, but it's quite difficult now knowing that I am not going to be selling Mars bars for ever!

I thought that I would start having a bit of a clear up in my office and managed to end up with a black sack full of shredding and a pile of rubbish too.

Busy has taken on a whole new meaning now. I spent most of yesterday speaking to solicitors, accountants, the business transfer agent and lettings agents.

Hannah, Cam and I went to view a house yesterday, suprisingly the three of us fell in love with it. Hannah and Cam only walked into the living room while I was still talking to the agent in the hall and they shouted "this is it!" I thought it was going to be much more difficult for the three of us to agree where we wanted to be and what the house had to be like. It is a really nice house with everything that we want, with the added bonus that it is opposite the gates to the cemetery and we can pop accross and chat to Mike whenever we like.

I have still got eight paper boys off and Ingrid is now off for a week too, I am juggling staff and have had to resort to writing numerous lists about everything else I need to be doing.

I have thought long and hard before writing todays blog, it's a pretty big announcement and I don't want to temp fate by telling everyone, but I can't keep it a secret anymore.

After a lot of serious thought and consideration about the pro's and cons of keeping it and the pro's and cons of selling it I put the business on the market at the end of May. I am totally comfortable with the decision that I made and know that I would have Mike's blessing in doing what is ultimately right for me and the kids. I have now had an offer which I have accepted and so it is all systems go. It is all happening very fast as it is a cash buyer and we are going to rent a house so there is no chain - I know that this is what I really want, but obviously as with any move it doesn't happen without stress. (now you all know why my sleeping pattern has been even more disturbed than it might have been).

I don't really know how to describe how I feel - I am releived that this enormous responsibility will not be mine for much longer, although I am so thankful that we bought the shop in the first place. It gave us four and a half years of quality time together, which turned out to be much more precious than we could have imagined at the time when we moved here. It gave me the opportunity to be with Mike 24 hours a day throughout his illness and I wouldn't have had it any other way. We had so many hopes and dreams for Newport News, one of which was to grow old here, this wasn't to be and Mike's diagnosis was the start of the dream turning into a nightmare.

We will leave with mixed emotions, there are many happy memories that will stay in our hearts forever, but then there are awful ones too, eighteen months filled with dr's, nurses and paramedics in and out, eighteen months of trying to control Mike's fits, and eighteen months of watching him deteriorate. So many things haunt us here, but our staff and customers have all helped and supported us so much and to them we will always be grateful.

I am beginning to think that there may be a god up there after all! I did go and chat to Mike several times last week and tell him to start keeping his side of the bargain and this weekend I think that he may have done. I have been covering the big round seven days a week since Alan left and it is absolutely exhausting, but yesterday Ellen, who is a student that did some holiday cover form me last year phoned to say she is back in Milton Keynes and she can do it for me for a week starting today. Maybe i'm easily pleased but it makes a big difference to my life.

I can't believe that it is the beginning of August this week, I am sure that I must be getting old because time passes far too fast. At least we have had some warm weather now - when I went to fetch Hannah from work yesterday when I was sat in the car park waiting for her the temperature was 29 degrees. From a business point of view it's good for ice-cream and drinks sales!

I obviously had yesterday morning more organised than I thought because it really went without any hitches. I have even more lads off today but have them all covered.

Cameron was off yesterday and it was nice spending some time with him, he went out in the evening and Hannah stayed in so I spent the evening with her. We went to the cemetery to water and while Hannah was getting the cans an old man started chatting to me, I recongnised him but didn't really know who he was. He was talking about the weather then asked whose grave we were at, I just said it was my husband and he responded with "he must have been young". He then proceeded to tell me about the "smashing young man" from the newsagents who died at Christmas, and how sad it is that cancer takes people so young. I didn't have the heart to tell him that it was Mike, but it was heart warming to hear someone else singing Mike's praises.

Today promises to be the busiest day of the year where deliveries are concerned. The first weekend of the school holidays is always a nightmare. I've got seven lads off today, other lads are covering them but customers still phone if their paper is five minutes late.

Jean and Eddie came yesterday, it was good to see them. Jasmine was very excited at seeing them too. They thought that she had settled down a lot since they last saw her, but I think she was only on her best behaviour temporarily for her grandma and grandad.

I went to the wholesaler in Northampton yesterday afternoon - I don't want to see another one for a few days, doing two in a couple of days is a bit brain numbing.

Marie came with me to the cemetery to water the flowers last night, recently because of all the rain we have been having I haven't had to water every day but yesterday really dried it all out. It is looking very colourful and well loved.

Hannah helped with the housework yesterday and she got sick of listening to me asking Cam to cut the grass so she did that too. Cam was on the late shift so didn't start until 3pm, but finds it impossible to do anything else on a day that he is working! I have heard "i'm working today" I don't know how many times in the last few weeks. I often wonder how he thinks I manage getting up and starting work at 3.30 am and still managing to do jobs like cook his dinner in the evening - I feel it is time for another big shake up.

I can't decide how I feel today. Most of the day yesterday I did very little, but in the evening had to go to the wholesalers as all this warm weather is really good for sales of drinks. It was probably a stupid thing to do as dragging a trolley and lifting cases of drink on and off it takes more energy than you think. Luckily Cam was home from work when I got back and he unloaded the car and helped me put it all away.

Thanks again to everyone who really helped me out yesterday. x

Sorry the blog is late! I have got to say a lot of thank-yous today. I still feel a bit unwell and Hannah organised (without me knowing) for me to stay in bed this morning. She organised for Marie to come in at 5.30 am and Hannah got up to help Judy with the papers, she sorted it so Judy and Mel went out to do the big round and Marie opened the shop. Ingrid noticed there was no blog so knew something was wrong so she came in early to take over from Marie - you are all stars, thank you so much x

I managed to have a six hour lie in, not waking until 9.30 am. I have felt unwell for a couple of days now, but have periods of time when I feel fine. I am very grateful for the chance to catch up on some sleep.

Yesterday was a difficult day, we took helium balloons and laminated birthday cards to the cemetery. When we went to water the plants Cam's can had a hole in it and as fast as he was filling it up it was emptying, we laughed saying that dad would have found that funny. When I went to fill my can up the wind changed direction and I got soaked, he would have found that really funny too. We did our very best to celebrate as he would have wanted to. Gill came in the evening and had Mike's favourite dinner too.

Today would have been Mike's 43rd birthday. It's going to be another difficult "first" for all the family. The three of us plan to celebrate it as Mike would have liked, we will go to the cemetery this morning and for dinner tonight we will be having sausages in onion gravy with mash and peas (sausages must be Richmond and peas must be Birds Eye), that is the dinner that Mike would have chosen to have on his birthday. We are also going to have chocolate cake, that has to be Tesco's finest - Mike was a connoiseur of birthday cakes, the kids grew up thinking that you were given a piece of cake in your party bag because it was for your dad. Whenever they had been to a party he always eat the cake and judged mums on their baking ability.

I have had an awful night and am a bit concerned about how I am going to do the big round today. I have been up with a very upset stomach most of the night and am now having a panic about how far away from a loo some of the big round is. Thankfully Mel is coming with me to do the delivering today, but I just hope I can survive as long as it takes. I also hope that I feel better and can take part in "Mike's birthday tea".

It was an awful morning with news delivery, with boys that think it's cool to leave their round sheet in the mark up room and do it from memory, and boys that think it's acceptable to phone each other to organise cover without even mentioning it to me (when the one they have asked doesn't know that round and had already offered to cover someone elses), and the ones that bring their mates with them and then don't concentrate and mess up I had seriously had enough by lunch time yesterday.

I had a sleep in the afternoon and then in the evening Hannah, Marie and I went to see Mamma Mia, it was a real feel good film. Going out meant I went to bed later last night so I am tired again already.

We had a good day yesterday. After an horrendous start delivering papers in torrential rain, then having customers phoning asking "is there any reason why my paper is wet this morning", and one paper boy that for some reason every weekend seems to shuffle his papers and deliver them where the hell he likes, I had to go out four times correcting papers just from that one round.

Cameron and Adam came to the wholealer with me, which was good, I always worry a bit when i'm buying £100's of cigarettes if anyone is watching me and waiting to steal them, it happened to Mike years ago and i'm always suspiscious of everyone when I get them.

The football was good, Adam and Cam were very obviously supporting Reading, Hannah was supporting MK Dons and I was sat on the fence. I was amazed how much Hannah enjoyed it, she is the first to moan when football is on the TV, but has already asked if we can go again.

Today hasn't got off to a good start, the third delivery of papers is already late which puts everything behind.

It was really comforting to read the comment from Kim (Keith's wife) this morning. It brought back lots of good memories. Mike used to always talk about Keith and used to say that if Keith wasn't going to day hospice he wasn't going to go either. They got on really well and like Kim said they somehow really understood each other, not only did they have the same tumour but they did help each other out. Mike sometimes used to come home and say that Keith had been struggling with his speech and so he had spoken for him today, which used to always amaze me when often Mike found it difficult to find words for himself. Mike used to talk about how Keith was really good at pottery and used to show me the butter dishes that he had made when I went to collect him, but Mike would never do pottery himself.

I had a better day yesterday, I have been really down in the dumps for a while but get to a point of thinking that I am destroying myself, so now it is time to sort myself out. I am still looking for the light at the end of the tunnell, but at 3.30 am with a thirteen and a half hour day and I don't know how many paper rounds ahead of me it is sometimes hard not to think how much easier it was when there was two of us.

We have got tickets for the football this afternoon, Cam has lectured Hannah and me, telling us that we are not to mention that we come from Reading.

I really need to do something about my sleeping, or lack of it. My first thought every morning when I wake up is 'when can I go to sleep?' I am not sleeping at night, I woke up three times and then when the alarm went off felt like I could have stayed there all day.

I went for a long walk with Jasmine and Marie last night around Tongwell Lake, one of the reasons for it was to get some fresh air and hope it would help me sleep, the other is to try and walk off some calories to help my diet. The sleep part didn't work so I hope the calorie burning did. It is the longest walk Jasmine has ever done and she wasn't tired either.

Hannah and I bought some new plants to replace the ones that had died off and took them to the cemetery yesterday, so it all looks very colourful and pretty again now.

The MK Dons are playing Reading on Saturday so Adam is coming up tonight and the four of us are going to see the game tomorrow. Hannah and I have never been to a football match before, but spend most of our lives with football in some shape or form on the tv (Cameron insists that Mike left him the remote control in his will and football is all he ever watches). We are told that live football is really exciting so it should be good.

I really struggled yesterday. I eventually went back to the dr because I am sick of having earache and suprisingly I have been told i've got an ear infection and been given antibiotics!

I got more upset than I have in a while, but don't know if some of it is because I am so tired, don't feel wonderful and really can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. My day didn't start well I found myself sat at my desk in tears in the morning so I tried to keep myself busy with admin and went to the wholesaler and then did some more admin in the afternoon. This weekend is going to be hell, ive got so many people off, but I think I have most of it covered now. Mel my Saturday/Sunday girl is off and Marie is going to work the afternoon for me, she innocently (and I know she would never say anything to intentionally upset me) said "I would have rather worked the morning because Neil is at work and i'll never see him". At the time it didn't bother me at all, but in the evening that statement haunted me, I just kept thinking if only I had to wait until the evening to see Mike, if only I could see him again.

Yesterday was quite uneventful, which is good. I spent most of the morning doing some long overdue admin.

I have noticed over the last few days when I take Jasmine out that since her operation she wants to walk further and further, that's fine when it's nice weather and good exercise for me now i'm back on the diet. She has changed all of a sudden, she used to walk with her head down like a hoover all the time and it used to take forever, but now she walks with her head up and like she is on a mission.

I spoke to Amanda on the phone for over an hour last night, it was good to catch up.

I managed to get my exhaust sorted with very little bother yesterday, I am always amazed or un-nerved when things are straight forward. I took it to a place just along the road from the cemetery, so rather than sit in a really blokey waiting room while it was done I walked along and had a bit of a chat with Mike. Hannah sent me a text while I was there asking where I was, so I told her, when i'd been home for about fifteen minutes I got another text saying "where are you?" I went in her room thinking she was still in bed so I could tell her I was home, but she had walked to the cemetery to meet me, so we must have passed each other on the way. (she wasn't happy!)

Hannah is on holiday from work this week, but got a call last night asking her to go in for a couple of hours this morning. I suppose that means I might get a bit of peace today, she wore me out yesterday being at home. We went food shopping so the cupboards and fridge are full of Sureslim approved food. I didn't find my first day back on it too hard apart from drinking gallons of water.

Hannah seemed to have a good birthday, but her day of "fun in the sun" exhausted her, she was in bed just after 9 pm. She had been out Friday and Saturday night and it sounds like she had the most exercise she has had in years yesterday too. She wanted to go to the cemetry so we went straight after I picked her up and then I offered her whatever she wanted to eat, I wasn't totally suprised but she chose KFC. (Hannah is so predictable when it comes to food, if you offer her thirty flavours of ice cream she has vanilla every time, offer her anything in a bakers and it's always a donut, so KFC would have been quite a safe bet too).

Talking of food, I went back to Sureslim on Friday and am starting back on the diet today. I haven't been since the middle of May and am amazed that I have only put on four pounds. I just need to get my head around it again and start eating properly.

I also need to find somewhere to get my exhaust looked at today, it is making rather a lot of noise. I always feel like i'm being stitched up in totally male environments.

Happy 20th Birthday Hannah x x

I don't really know how Hannah can be 20 today, it makes me feel really old. I have struggled a bit about her birthday, writing her birthday card was the first one that I have had to write just love mum in. I have now written a few cards from just the three of us but this one was much more difficult.

If I wasn't having a hard enough time already I added to it last night. Hannah and Cam were both out and I watched P.S. I Love You. I had been advised by Willen when it first came out in the cinema not to watch it because it is about the widow of a young man that had died of a brain tumour. I did get upset a couple of times, but it also made me realise that a lot of my feelings are "normal".

I won't get to see the birthday girl until later today as I have got three rounds to do this morning and she has to leave early to catch her coach. Cam will be at work later, but Hannah and I intend to spend some time together this evening.

I woke up this morning thinking it was Sunday and i'd be able to go to bed at lunch time, I was very disappointed when I came down stairs and realised it is Saturday and I need to do the big round as well as go to the wholesaler. Although I was ridiculously tired last night I still found it almost impossible to get to sleep and when the alarm goes in the morning I find it almost impossible to open my eyes.

Sandy and Theresa came round at lunctime yesterday for a cup of tea, it was lovely to see them and just chatting to them made me realise that I (and Hannah and Cam) have really made some progress, although sometimes it doesn't feel that we have. Sandy used to be the one that would arrive when we were in crisis and it was really nice yesterday to have a relaxed chat without a problem to solve.

Jasmine has had her stitches out and is fine - I think that she must be the dumbest dog that I have ever met, she actually gets excited about going in the vets.

Yesterday was a difficult day. My head felt worse and worse as time went on and I eventually decided that I needed to go back to bed for at least half an hour to try and shift it before I drove to Reading, when I woke up my headache hadn't shifted at all and I was promptly sick, I then felt much better (the joy of migraines!)

When I arrived at dads he was understandably nervous but I tried very hard to not let on that I was pretty nervous myself and definitely didn't tell him I had made myself sick over it. I don't know why I ever consider that anything in my life could possibly be straight forward anymore because whatever I try to do there are always obstacles put in the way. When we arrived at the hospital armed with the letter telling him which ward to go to at what time etc etc the nurse said "you're not on the theatre list today", I very politely showed her the letter and told her that he would be, she started blaming the waiting list department and eventually she agreed to make some phone calls and then as I was getting more and more wound up, as if by magic he appeared on the list. The next problem came when the surgeon came round and started asking questions, when he had gone to the pre-op appointment he had been told to have a blood test for his warfarin on Tuesday which he had, then he was told he had to have one on the day of surgery, thankfully they did it and it was ok. So the surgery went ahead and I don't know who is more pleased that it is over.

I'm no calmer today than I was yesterday morning. In fact I have woken up with a migraine today which is not a good start considering the day that I have ahead of me.

When we eventually found where Hannah's appointment was she was seen on time and everything seemed quite thorough and efficient, although the outcome is that it looks like she is following in my footsteps, they have changed her medication and she has to have another scan in six months time.

Today's appointment with dad has it's problems before it has begun, dad is terrified about the whole thing, I am doing my best to reassure him and to be there for him but I have my own baggage too - the last time I went to the Royal Berkshire Hospital my mum died and I feel pretty screwed up about the whole thing.

I've sat at my desk in tears this morning, I miss Mike so much.

I think I have got myself in a bit of a state with all the medical appointments that I am going to with Hannah and Dad (and Jasmine) this week. For eighteen months my life was full of appointments and I think I have been put off a bit. I really miss the fact that I don't have anyone to share my fears with anymore and have to carry everything on my shoulders.

I went shopping to get Hannah a birthday present last night, but found that really difficult too. I have had a bit of a chat with myself now and decided that I need to get a grip of myself.

Happy 60th Birthday Ingrid - you may be on holiday from work so we can't fill the window with balloons and banners, but I can tell everyone on the world wide web. Hope you have a good day x

Yesterday was a really busy day. Hannah, Marie and I went shopping in the morning (to buy Ingrid a birthday present!) and then went to the wholesaler, we came back and I took Hannah to work and then it was lunch time. We spent the afternoon putting out stock and it was time to close before we knew it. Marie and I then dropped the present round to Ingrid, I came home and did a bit of clearing up and then picked Hannah up from work, we had decided in the morning that we would go to the cemetery in the evening, so we dodged the down pours and planted two new lillys there. (I must say the council have cut the grass and made a very good job of it this time, it all looks very neat and tidy and our plants are still all intact).

My only plan for today is sleep - I have not been sleeping well at night and so have started going to bed much later, it does mean that I am not getting so many hours in bed, but the hours I am there I am sleeping and not just lying there beating myself up with memories. I think my sleep pattern has changed since Cam has started work too, because most evenings now when I close the shop both Hannah and Cam are at work and I am a bit of a Billy no Mates, if I went to bed when I used to go it would mean that I would never see anything of either of them.

Although it doesn't feel like it, I must have caught up on some sleep yesterday. I slept for three hours in the afternoon and then had five hours last night - that's loads for me.

Jasmine seems to have no ill effects at all from her operation. I can't believe that the information sheet I was given said that she's not to run around, not to jump on furniture, not to do the stairs - they obviously haven't met Jasmine before. I seem to spend my whole life telling her not to do things. (Bit like having kids really!)

It poured with rain last night, I hope it settles before the delivery boys are due to arrive this morning. Yesterday was a nightmare - I had one lad who didn't turn up, didn't answer his phone and never responded to the message we left him, so we don't know if he will be in today either. We had a message on the answerphone from someone claiming to be another lads dad saying that he wouldn't be in because he had a fever - it may have been an idea if they had actually chosen someone whose voice had broken if they wanted it to be believable, worse still I am convinced that the call was made by another one of my paper boys. I then had a new lad that only started on Tuesday come in and say that he has decided that he would like to just work Monday to Fridays and have the weekends off - you can imagine what I said to him!

Yesterday was Newport Pagnell Carnival day, it was filled with mixed emotions. There is always a really good atmosphere when the parade is passing through the town. However much I try not to go down memory lane and destroy myself I couldn't help it. When we bought the shop our first Saturday was Carnival Day (talk about in at the deep end!), last year the four of us went away on holiday on that day, and the year before that it wasn't too long after Mike's diagnosis and he watched it with Cameron from out of the bedroom window. It was good for business, we sold loads of drinks and ice creams and thankfully the weather held out.

I woke at 2.00 am with earache again this morning, in the end I just got up. When I have these really early mornings I just wish that the papers were here and I could really get ahead of myself, instead I end up doing admin and "wasting" time waiting for them to arrive.

The coming week is going to be a busy one - I have to take Hannah to the hospital on Wednesday morning, dad has his surgery on Thursday so I am going down to Reading to be with him and Jasmine has her stitches out on Friday. Ingrid is on holiday all week as well so I am having to do a bit of juggling of staff so that I can get away to be with my dad and fit it all in.

I really struggled with sleeping last night, I seemed to spend the whole night clock watching and am exhausted this morning. I don't think that there was anything I didn't think about last night, but more than anything I can't believe where the time is going.

This morning I have looked back on the blog at this time last year (something that I never do), and I do realise that although last year we did still have Mike in body he was beginning to really struggle. I take strength from the fact that Hannah and Cameron are coping so much better, there was times last year that I didn't think I could cope with them anymore, but I must say that at this moment in time I am very proud of the progress they have made and how their attitude has matured, Mike would have been very proud of them too. love you both x x

I continue to battle with Jasmine and the lampshade - I put it on, she takes it off. She has got a check up appointment at the vets this morning, i'm not sure that she will be as eager to go there this time after what they did to her last time she was there.

Cam worked two hours overtime yesterday, so did a ten hour shift - he is exhausted when he comes in. It does make me laugh though that Hannah and Cam have conversations about how many hours they have worked when by the time they start at 11.00 am I have already done 7.5 hours and still have another six to go.

My earache continues and so I went back to the dr yesterday. I have an infection in the ear canal and now have antibiotics, anti-sickness tablets and a spray that I have to put in my ear four times a day. It is driving me mad and really getting me down now.

Jasmine was a bit more lively last night, she has learnt how to take the "lampshade" apart and I have lost count how many times I had to put it back on yesterday.

Cameron worked his first full day, I thought it was quite amuzing that when I asked him how he got on yesterday, his response was "it was long" - I have now welcomed him to the real world and gently reminded him that his "long" shift is still five and a half hours short of my normal day.

Christine came over for coffee yesterday afternoon, her husband is in Willen at the moment and I really feel for her. It is absolutely exhausting just sitting visiting someone all day every day, I could never understand how doing nothing could make you so tired, but it is emotionally draining. Thinking of you x x

Jasmine is back home, with a "lampshade" on her head. She isn't particularly happy, but I remember after I had my hysterectomy I wasn't particularly "happy" either. We gave her lots of love and she seems pretty well settled this morning. (I have put two photos on the blog).

The third photo is my inappropriate sense of humour. I find it quite amusing that all the watering cans at the cemetery have got MKC on them - is it Mike Kerr's Can, or Milton Keynes Council? I know Mike would like to think that they were his cans, I chuckle to myself everytime I go to water the plants.

I couldn't believe it was time to get up when the alarm went off this morning, I don't really feel like I have been to bed so really must try to get a sleep in at some point today.

Sad Jasmine

Jasmine doesn't like wearing a lampshade!

Mike Kerr's Can-or is it Milton Keynes Council??

I can't believe that when we were away I was swimming every day and had no earache, since I have been home I have had two nights and one afternoon of it really hurting again. I really don't want to have to go back to the dr a third time with it, so I have started putting the drops in again and taking pain killers to try to get rid of it.

I phoned the vet yesterday to organise for Jasmine to go to be neutered, thinking that I would have to wait at least a week for an appointment. I was told to starve her from 8.00 pm last night and to have her at the surgery for 8.00 am this morning. She's going to really hate me.

I've ordered lots of ice cream in preparation for the Newport Pagnell Carnival on Saturday, I will need to do a trip to the wholesaler to fill up on drinks too. We have had the shop five years this week - we moved in on the Monday before Carnival on the Saturday, I can't beleive that so much has happened in that five years, who would have thought when we moved in here with so much enthusiasm and so many dreams that I would now be a "widow" and in fact we only had three years running the business together as a couple. I have to be thankful though that having the business (and such brilliant staff) gave me the opportunity to spend my time totally looking after Mike and I would not have had it any other way.