The holiday seems like a distant memory now, that's one of the problems of owning your own business and living there too, the minute that you walk through the door you are back at work. On a more positive note we have booked the house again for the same week next year, so have something to look forward to.

Cam has got a busy week, it's the summer ball tonight and he starts his job on Tuesday, I have given him big lectures about drinking and the time to be home tonight so he doesn't mess up his first day.

Hannah, Marie and I went to the cemetery last night. I thanked Mike for sending the sunshine last week as we had asked, and I have now requested a couple more bits of support from him.

I managed to put some photo's on the blog. Nicky sent me some pictures last night too, I am glad that she isn't able to post them direct to the blog, at least if I take the photo's I don't have to be in them.

View from our beach hut

Crabs!

View from boat, while mackerel fishing

Boys turn to wash up - you notice Cam has vanished!!

In the pool

We've had a brilliant holiday and are all well rested and very sun burnt. We were very lucky with the weather and although we drove down in awful weather we woke up to sunshine on Sunday morning and it stayed with us all week. The house was really nice and the pool was a great hit, we have already made enquiries about booking again for the same week next year.

It was really good to see the kids laughing again. There were times when we all commented about what Mike would have done and things that he would have said, not a day goes by when that happens normally though, it was also the first time we have had a big family holiday wthout my mum too so in ways it was strange.

I am back to the early morning today, when I get the time I will download photo's and put some on the blog.

Thanks to everyone who made the holiday possible, Jean and Eddie for staying and looking after Jasmine and helping make sure the papers got delivered every day, to everyone in the shop for all doing extra to make sure everything is covered and to Hannah, Cam, Mark, Did, Dad, Nicky, Adam and Jim for being such good company and making another "first" really enjoyable. x

There won't be a blog for a week because we are off on our holidays. I would be lying if I said that we weren't all a tiny bit excited.

I was in the bath last night and I could hear Hannah and Cam whispering outside the door, then music started and they both sang "We're all going on a summer holiday" from start to finish.

I spoke to James and Imogen on the phone last night too, they've got their assembly today and have had to learn "We do like to be beside the seaside", when Jean and Eddie were up at there house a couple of weeks ago James and Imogen were amased that they knew the words to their song. Imogen was telling me about it last night saying "it's an old song, grandma and gradad know it!"

I'm sure there will be pictures when we get back.

I am suffering from serious sleep deprivation this morning. I really could not sleep last night, the las time I looked at the clock it was 12.40 am, which means I have probably had about three and a half hours sleep.

We had an awful evening, I am sick to death of the arguments that football is causing in our household. Hannah came in from work last night, Cam was watching the football and had the lap top, we have had the conversation several times before that if he has the football on every night Hannah at least gets to use the lap top, but he wanted both - it ended with Hannah throwing the remote control at him, followed by lots of shouting and screaming by both of them. I stood up and went to my bedroom and Hannah accused me of being dramatic, which wound me up even more - I am just fed up, all I want is a bit of peace in my life.

I know that I was a bit fragile yesterday anyway, because of dad's appointment today and that is what I was thinking about most of the time that I was awake last night. I don't have anyone in my life anymore that can just put an arm around me and say "don't worry, everything will be ok, we'll get through this" - everything that I have to get through I have to cope alone, sometimes it's really tough.

I had a good nights sleep last night and feel so much better for it. It is a good job really because housework is on the list today. Jean and Eddie are coming to stay when we are away and so I need to make a bit of an effort with the cleaning today. I am a bit concerned that when I asked Hannah to tidy the piles of clothes from her bedroom floor she replied "my room is tidy, all the stuff on the floor is coming with me", if that is the case there won't be any room for for Cam or me to take anything.

Mark has managed to get some time off work to go with dad to his hospital appointment on Thursday. I am really relieved because there are so many questions that need to be asked - Mark and I spoke last night about what we want/need to know.

Hannah and Nicky were talking on line last night getting excited about the holiday. Hannah was sat in my bed with the lap top and Nicky kept sending her links to websites about where we are going Hannah kept taking the virtual tour of the house that we are going to stay in, it does look really nice. I am really pleased that the kids are looking forward to it so much (as I am) - it is another "first" for us, but even if I say so myself, I think we deserve a break.

My sleeping hasn't improved, I really struggled getting to sleep last night and then when the alarm went off this morning I felt like I could have slept forever.

Cam got offered his job at KFC yesterday, he's going to work full time all summer and then they will change his hours to fit in with college in September. (Hannah really loves him now, it's her idea of heaven her brother working at KFC and getting 30% discount) Nothing is simple though, he has got his induction on Thursday which clashes with his college taster day, we phoned college though and they have rearranged that for him. Well done Cam x x

My dad had a phone call yesterday telling him that he has to go to the hospital at 8.30 am on Thursday for his pre-op appointment for his operation that is apparently on 10th July, we still don't know what the op is for though. I really wanted to go with him but there is no way I can get to Reading to be at an appointment at that time of the morning especially as we are going to Reading on Friday anyway. Mark is going to try to get the morning off work and go instead.

I slept until the alarm this morning, although I did have a sleep yesterday afternoon and so stayed up much later last night. It is a much better feeling than lying in bed unable to sleep though.

We went to the cemetery last night after Hannah had finished work. I deffinately find my kids grief more difficult to deal with than my own. Hannah is so careful about keeping the grave looking nice and makes sure that everything is in it's place, she had to move some stuff about to make room for their teddy. Cam was very quiet while we were there and obviously very deep in thought. That is another "first" over.

I still can't sleep, but rather than getting up and working I had a bath at 2.20 am.

Today is going to be a difficult one for Hannah and Cam, the first Father's Day without Mike. The three of us went shopping last week and they have bought a card that they are going to write and then laminate and a teddy which we are going to take to the grave today. I can't explain how I feel, however hard I try to accept it I can never accept that my kids have been "cheated" by losing their dad, he was always so proud of them. They have grown up very rapidly over the last six months and I am very proud of them too. x x

It's not a good start to the day, it is the first time in a long time that I have sat writing the blog with tears rolling down my face - sometimes life is just so cruel, if you're watching over us Mike as i'm sure you are, we could do with a break!! x

I can't sleep ...... I have been sat at my desk doing admin since 2.10 am. I don't know why I am having so many problems, but during the day I am absolutely exhausted and at night I just can't get to sleep. I think my mind is working overtime a bit, there is so much to organise to make sure that everything ticks over while I am away. I hopefully have everything covered now regarding the shop, I just need to do loads of housework now in preparation for Jean and Eddie coming to stay while we are away.

Cameron's interview has been rescheduled for Monday afternoon and he has his taster day at college on Thursday too.

I am now waiting for the third delivery of papers to arrive, I have to do the big round again today and just wish that I could get on with it.

I struggled yesterday morning, and by 9 am had decided that I was better off in bed, I slept for about an hour and managed to compose myself a bit. Hannah and I then went to Bedford for some retail therapy, I don't think Hannah was very happy that we bumped into someone that I knew in the first shop we went into. She always complains that we can't go up the High Street here without me talking to everyone she thought she was safe in Bedford.

Cameron's interview was postponed because the woman that was doing it had gone home sick, so we have to go through that whole process of getting ready for it again, although I have told him he doesn't get another good luck card from Hannah and me the one we gave him yesterday has to cover it.

However hard I have tried to keep dates that have bad memories out of my mind, the first time that I wrote12th June today it made me feel numb. It is two years today that Mike went off to do the round with Cameron in the car and by 7.30 am he had been rushed into Milton Keynes hospital, as they say the rest is history. I find it really hard to think that just two years ago our life was normal, we had hopes and dreams like everyone else - now look at it. .

I went back to the dr yesterday and have now been given anti-sickness tablets to try and stop me feeling sick when I put my head down or walk. She says that I have got an infection in my inner ear and it is affecting my balance. The tablets make me feel really drowsy so I have to be careful when I take them. Hannah was really good yesterday, she did all the housework, brought me lunch in bed and cooked the dinner last night. Thanks Han x x x

Cameron has got an interview this evening for work during the summer and part time work when he goes to college in September. Good luck Cam x x x

I've got more problems with my ear, i've been awake with it in the night and am back to feeling travel sick when I walk or put my head down.

The three of us went out to lunch yesterday which was really nice, apart from the fact that we knew the waitress, she used to live in Newport and came in the shop a lot, she asked Hannah "how's your dad?" When Hannah told her she got upset and Hannah ended up comforting her - I can't believe how often this happens and you have to put on a brave face for other people however awful you're feeling at the time!

The three of us had a bit of a tough evening last night. Hannah came in from work tired and asked Cam if we could watch something other than football - world war three started when I agreed that I was not going to sit for however many weeks watching football when England aren't even in it. I had to do a bit of reminding that I am still the parent here and that although Cam has naturally become "the man of the house" I make the rules.

Hannah got very upset and told me she was going to go and have a chat with dad. She walked to the cemetery and was gone for ages, eventually I phoned her to check she was ok and she said "i'm sitting on the floor beside dad having a chat", this set me off and I got really upset. Just two years ago the four of used to sit as a normal family having a chat (it's two years on Thursday that our world began to fall apart). I know we had a bad evening because my head is banging this morning where I cried so much.

I had to have two new tyres on my car yesterday, I was a bit confused that it was the front ones that needed replacing but they moved the back ones to the front and put the new ones on the back, there is a reason for it apparently but it was far too technical for me. It's going into the garage today to have the recall work done.

We had a good day in Reading yesterday, but I am exhausted today, we didn't get home until
10.30 pm. We have sorted out who's taking what etc for the holiday and now I seriously need to write some lists.

Hannah worked all day yesterday and so didn't get to come with us, but as promised I brought her home a roast dinner which suprisingly she still ate late at night.

I am going to try to get some sleep today to catch up, but have a few things that I need to do first. My car is going in the garage tomorrow to have the recall work done so I won't get a break tomorrow.

It's only 4.50 am and we are really well ahead of ourselves, we are only waiting for the third and final delivery of papers.

I have started writing my lists, or Hannah has, I dictated and she did the writing last night. I have had to have a list just for what I need to take with me today, with Father's day presents and cards, plants for mum's grave, all the food for dinner which is in various fridges and freezers here at the moment I haven't got a hope of remembering without some prompting.

Hannah and Cameron had a barbeque last night, they weren't put off by the horrendous downpour in the afternoon at all and continued to plan it. I lost count how many people they had here, but they all seemed to have a good time and seemed much more controlled than the last time.

I have been dashing about this morning, covering the big round at the weekends is pretty exhausting, but that's it over for another day. I intend to have some sort of break today because I have got the drive to Reading and back tomorrow. Hannah is fed up that she can't come and has requested that we bring her a roast dinner home with us.

I think Mike listened.. I had a drama free day for the first time in ages. The accountant finally came up with the first part of what I have been waiting for for six weeks now, i'm not sure whether Mike was instrumental in me getting a result from the accountant at last, or whether the fact that I got really cross with him the day before and even went for the sympathy vote reminding him that "I have been widowed (and you know how much I hate that word) and has he got any idea how much added stress his incompetence is giving me?".

I had problems with Anglian Water yesterday too, they sent me a bill and had more than doubled my monthly direct debit, when the shortfall between my payments and bill over the last six months was only a little over £10, eventually they have agreed to only increase my payment by £3.00, thats £37.00 a month less than they wanted to - they blamed the fact that the computer sets the amounts, but surely someone has to give the computer the information in the first place!

Cam is now exam free, I have given him a long list of jobs that he needs to do today. Although Judy is officially on holiday she has been a real star coming in and helping me with the papers in the mornings and is going to lock up for me on Sunday so we can have a longer day in Reading.

The three of us went to the cemetery yesterday. Hannah and Cameron planted yet more plants, there really is very little room left to put anything, but Hannah said that dad always used to say "you can't go to visit anyone empty handed", so the kids were on their hands and knees digging and planting and I was just staring at the grave as I do, somewhat in disbelief of why we are there and at the same time hoping that Mike gets my vibes that I need a bit of an easier ride here.

We then went shopping and bought fathers day presents for my dad and Eddie. We are going to go to Reading this weekend and take the cards and presents a week early, as the kids have bought stuff to take to Mike's grave next Sunday and it is obviously going to be another difficult "first" that the three of us need to be together for.

Cameron has got his last exam today, I don't know who is more relieved him or me. I have given him the lecture that when it is over it is part time job hunting time, I am not having him sitting around for the whole summer while I work the hours I do. I have offered him early mornings here so many times, but I get more stressed out trying to get him up to do them than I do doing the work myself, so it is time that he went out in the big wide world.

It is only fifteen days until our holiday, it's almost time to start writing some more lists.

Throughout Mike's illness we talked a lot about our ideas of what heaven would be like and how he would always be watching over me no matter what. We didn't feel that it was going to be full of fluffy white clouds with cherubs and harps, but he promised that he would look down on me and the kids and guide us through our lives, (and I believed him . . ) At the moment I don't think he is keeping his side of the bargain much and I am going to go the cemetery today to have a chat with him to tell him to up his game. I feel like every day there is more and more obstacles put in my way, I have this vision of him sitting in heaven with that cheeky grin and those innocent eyes thinking "how can I test her today?" Well I am getting to the stage that I have been tested enough and would just like a little bit of peace in my life please.

Yesterday when we pulled the curtains in the living room we found that the ivy had fallen off the wall in the garden, we are not talking about a little bit of ivy, it is about 9 ft high by 20ft wide by about 4 ft deep - I haven't decided how I am going to deal with it yet because it was too wet to even think about it yesterday.

When the post arrived I got a letter from Peugeot saying that my car had been recalled because of a problem with the ABS braking system - is nothing simple? My car is something that is all mine and I love it, now that even has problems.

As the saying goes, and the way I got through Mike's illness - "just when I was getting used to yesterday along came today", it is so true, today is another day, so I am ready for any rubbish you want to throw at me.

Everything's pants today. Cameron has got an exam this morning and has been up being sick for the last two hours, I really thought we had sorted the sick problem but obviously not, I just need to get him through today and Thursday and then he is finished with school.

I went to the dr about my ear because it really hurts, my head aches and I feel a bit dizzy and sick, the dr says she's not suprised because my ear is so blocked she can't see in it. I have been given drops and have to make an appointment to go and have them syringed - I don't fancy that much but Hannah used to have hers done regularly when she was younger without too many problems so i'm sure it can't be that bad.

I slept for three hours yesterday morning and may have to do it again today, at least when i'm lying on my ear it doesn't hurt.

It's only eighteen days until we go on holiday, I hope this weather improves drastically before then.

Sorry the blog is late today. Judy is supposed to be on holiday so I was on my own for at least some of the morning, until Judy arrived saying "I couldn't sleep so I thought I would come and give you a hand" I really appreciated it because I woke up with ear ache this morning and am exhasted as I didn't get one break last week.

Jean, Eddie, Gill, Pete and I did the Walk for Willen yesterday. It was strange walking around the lake seeing it from a different viewpoint, I can't imagine how many hours in total I had seen it from the window of Mike's room when he had been in Willen, and see the other side from the gym, but in the five years that we have lived here I have never walked around it. Gill and Jean brought lunch with them which was very much appreciated too.

I plan to sleep today for a very long time, my legs feel like jelly and I am sure that it is more to do with the fact that they are tired out than the walking yesterday.

I managed to survive yesterday, although today doesn't seem to appear like it is going to be any less busy. Tomorrow I am going to sleep no matter what!! Sleep deprivation was made worse by the fact that someones burglar alarm was going off in the night which woke me up and I struggled to get back to sleep.

Hannah had her scan and they have found what they think is a cyst, we have to wait ten days then go to the dr to find out what they intend to do about it.

It was really weird Cam being away last night, he's good to me really and always very aware of how i'm feeling and is a massive emotional support. I am glad that he went because I think it will do him good (although i'm not so sure that the quantities of alchol that went with them will do any of them any good).

Hannah and I spent the evening together, we watched the first half of I'd do anything, then went to the cemetery, then Tesco and then back home to watch the second half of I'd do anything. One thing that has become very apparent is that it is Cameron who makes the mess because there is no clearing up to do this morning.

The goldfish died yesterday..... Is there any good news??