I don't want to speak too soon but the papers must have been delivered much quieter last night because I slept through it. I went to bed for a couple of hours yesterday morning to try to catch up on some sleep but had the sound of roadworks outside the shop to deal with instead. I was beginning to wonder if I was asking too much just wanting to have a bit of sleep.

The big round every day is exhausting me and I have another five days to do yet. In addition to that it is the end of the month today so I have the business invoices to do, as well as probably having to write some letters reminding companies that they haven't paid the last one yet.

This is the worst week I have had on my diet, I am considering cancelling my weigh in on Friday as I know it is not going to be good. I really must make time to go shopping at some point so that I can eat the right foods again.

I am going to phone the newspaper wholesalers this morning and ask them to shut their delivery driver up. I cannot believe how much noise he makes, he slams the van door at least three times, he bashes the mark up room door into the bench as he opens it, by the sound of it he throws the bundles of papers onto the bench from a great height and then slams the door on his way out. By the time he has gone I am wide awake and not got a hope of getting back to sleep easily - my sleep is precious, I don't get enough of it and I am fed up with being woken up.

I've been doing the big round this week and so took Jasmine out for her walk later than normal yesterday, it was like she knew and was a nightmare, she didn't like the fact that it was windy but she was really slow and wanted to sniff every blade of grass on the way, it was almost like you could see a thought bubble coming out of her head saying "you made me wait, so you can wait now"

Cameron did really well yesterday, he drove half way and got lots of good experience. It was good to see Jean, Eddie and Gill. I also managed to catch up with Julie our old neighbour (she used to be our neighbour, she's not old!) visited my dad and then went to see Mark, Did, Nicky and Adam too. Cam was really pleased that he was able to show everyone his car.

I'm doing the big round today so will get plenty of exercise this morning, but dare I say that the weather must be improving because this is the third morning that I have not had to have my fleece on when I come down in the morning.

I can't believe that the goldfish has lived to see yet another day. I have got up this morning to find that Cam's repair to the fish tank must have only been a temporary one because the work surface was covered in water and dripping onto the floor - this poor fish has had so much trauma over the last few days.

I went to the cemetery yesterday, I watered all the plants because they are not used to that sort of heat, I watered John's next door for Helen as well, we always water each others and say hello when we are there. I think it is slightly odd but I do find it comforting that Mike is not next to a total stranger.

However hard I try not to keep my eye on the date I can't help it. It is four months today since Mike died - that's a third of a year. I don't know where that time has gone, but in reality I lost the real Mike to that awful cancer a long time before that. I will go to the cemetery today because that somehow gives me permission to cry. Sometimes when I get upset when I am not expecting it I argue with myself about doing it. Many of my worst times are when I think about "what ifs" and the plans we had, I get really upset when I think about how cheated my kids are by not having a dad, and how proud he would have been of them - they were his life. The saying goes "life must go on", it does, but sometimes it is harder than others and although time is supposed to be a healer I don't know what length of "time" that means.

On a more positive note I lost four and a half pounds this week, so am one pound short of losing three stone now. I am amazed that I am managing to do it because my normal reaction to stress is to comfort eat which I did rather a lot of throughout Mike's illness, but I am managing to stick to it. However, tomorrow when we go to Jean and Eddie's for lunch I am officially having a day off the diet.

From tomorrow for a week I have to do the big commercial round because I have yet another member of staff on holiday. I hope the papers are delivered a bit earlier and more accurately than last week so that I am able to get it done early enough in the mornings.

I managed to get a couple of hours sleep yesterday morning and felt a bit more refreshed, but stupidly I then worked on admin in the office until gone 10 pm last night and so am back to square one. There isn't a chance of me getting a break today with bills, wages and weigh in this morning and then having to work in the shop this afternoon.

Another goldfish has died so we are down to one now, Cameron thinks there was something wrong with the tank so spent ages cleaning it and boiling the stones etc, there is something wrong with it now because it is letting water out the side so our remaining fish is living in a tupperware container at the moment.

I kept myself busy yesterday in an attempt to have a better day, as a result I am absolutely exhausted today. This isn't helped by the fact that I was woken by the first newspaper delivery at 1.57 am, but today it was not only him banging about but he appears to have brought someone with him as he was talking very loudly too. I am going to speak to the wholesaler today and ask for them to be a bit quieter - it just messes with my whole night.

Hannah was off yesterday and helped me in the shop in the afternoon. Cam was a good help yesterday too, he cooked the dinnner - he is getting very good at knowing what I am allowed and what i'm not.

I had the worst day I have had in a while yesterday, I cried at anything and everything. I couldn't even tell you what started it off but the day seemed to just get worse and worse. Today is another day, so I will try to cope with this one a little better.

Happy Birthday Eddie. Jean and Eddie fly home from America tonight and we are going to see them on Sunday. Although the time that they have been gone seems to have flied by I have really missed them and am looking forward to seeing them at the weekend.

I refrained from chocolate again yesterday afternoon, sitting in the shop is the ultimate test. I really want to lose three and a half pounds (at least) this week to bring my total loss up to forty pounds. I have been really good this week and drank gallons of water and walked poor Jasmine much further than she is used to, in addition to doing two paper rounds every day for exercise.

Yesterday was another milestone, it was the first time i've been in the shop on my own since Mike's death. I got myself in a bit of a state about it, especially as just last week I had a customer come in asking "how's Mike?" - in a town that seems to know everything about everybody I am amazed that people still don't know. I was ok, but struggled with the temptation of chocolate, I did refrain from having any but had to make sure I kept myself busy with admin all the time to take my mind off it.

Cameron is going to drive, at least part of the way to Reading at the weekend, it will be really good experience and he wants to show his car to all his grandparents, I expect he will clean it a few more times before then.

I slept for three hours yesterday afternoon and do feel a bit more refreshed now. When I woke up I finally sorted my book shelf problem, I have got big storage boxes under the bed and decided that I would put the books in them until I think what I am going to do with them. I opened one of the boxes and found four pairs of Mike's shoes (so I had a little cry), I also found three pairs of my shoes which I had totally forgotten that I had.

Obviously I didn't go to Reading, but have decided that I will go next Sunday as Jean and Eddie will be home by then and I can go to see them too, it will also solve the problem of how I am going to get Eddie's birthday present to him.

The kids are back at school today, but I still have three rounds to cover through holidays and sickness, I almost had four as Helen's son has injured his leg, but she is being a star and covering it for him.

Today doesn't look like it is going to be a good day - I have got up at 3.30 am to find that only the first delivery of newspapers has arrived so far (I have three deliveries on Saturdays and Sundays, the first is supplements and the second two the papers), I have still got three rounds to cover and so will be behind before I even start today.

I intend to go to bed for a very long time this afternoon to sleep without an alarm.

I went back to the cemetery yesterday afternoon to replace the plants that were mowed down by the council a couple of weeks ago.

I'm sorry the blog is late, I am really struggling today.

I have had to do three paper rounds and go out to correct another one three times. On the way back from my last trip out I thought I would call in at the cemetery and got really upset and made myself feel even more fed up than I already am.

I don't know why I feel so lousy today, I don't know if i'm tired or just down in the dumps. It just seems that everything I do is a battle. When I got up this morning I had six teenagers, (including my two) sleeping in various places - I get really hurt by the way that I feel that the kids take me for granted lately,(not just my kids, but all the others) they wouldn't have been like this if Mike had been here. Sometimes I just want some peace and quiet in my own home, but it never seems possible lately. I don't resent the kids having their friends around but it just seems like it's all the time and I am not being given a chance to be myself in my own home, and sometimes all I want to do is scream, shout or cry but can't even do that.

On a more positive note, Cameron had his interview for college yesterday and has been offered a place and I did lose 1.5lbs.

Marie has phoned me already this morning - she is having a nightmare journey, when they arrived in Dallas, they had problems with her visa form and took her off to do finger prints and interview her, eventually that was all ok and they boarded the next plane, then there was a problem with the plane and now they have all had to get off again. She said she thought "what idiot would be awake at this time of day", and she thought of me! so she phoned.

Cam has got his college interview today, he seems quite confident about it. We read through all the information again last night and discovered that they have to wear a uniform on the course, I thought that would put him off because he has hated school uniform forever, but he is fine with it.

Mel and I finally changed the window display yesterday, after getting fed up with people keep saying "Easter's gone". We have a summer bridal window now, full of wedding cards, bridal books and confetti. I went along to Sadie to get some silk flowers to go with the veil and she lent me a church window too, (when she said she had a church window I could borrow, I didn't really know what she was going to produce) - I will take photo's when the sun is in the right place, I did try yesterday afternoon but all I got was a reflection of the shop opposite.

Today is weigh day and this is the first week that I feel I really haven't lost weight. I have struggled a couple of days, but mostly because there is so much going on and I haven't had as much time to shop or plan what i'm eating as I should.

The good news is Ingrid is back from her holiday today, the bad news is today is the first day of Marie's three week holiday. With so many paper boys being off recently I can't remember the last time we were fully staffed. I suppose when i'm busy I don't have time to think about anything else.

Cameron came with me to the wholesaler yesterday afternoon which really helped. He done all the lifting and pulling of the trolley - After I dislocated my shoulder six years ago I spend my whole time protecting it and lifting with my other hand, the thought of what I wouldn't be able to do if it happened again really scares me. I don't exactly have a job where I can avoid lifting but every little helps, thanks Cam x

We didn't get a chance for Cam to do any driving yesterday so will hopefully do some today. He is turning into a passenger from hell though. Thankfully it is not just me he criticises but everyone else on the road for not indicating, pulling out when they shouldn't, cutting people up at roundabouts etc etc - another thing that makes him his father's son!

I've woken up this morning feeling like I haven't been to bed. One of our newspaper wholesalers who delivers into the mark up room over night has got a new driver and he seems to make much more noise than the previous one. He arrives at about 2.30 am and it wakes me up every night, I then don't have time to go back to sleep properly, so as a result I am losing about another hours sleep a night, which means I am losing the equivalent to one nights sleep a week.

I phoned Mike's Auntie Alison last night. I have been meaning to phone for ages, but thought that she may be one of the people that I would get upset talking too, but I am really glad I did and we had a good chat. She said she had been sending me texts and had been concerned that I had not been responding to them, it turns out that she had never received my message when I changed my number following the fiasco with Carphone Warehouse.

The weather is horrendous this morning, the fog is so thick you can't see the shop on the other side of the road. I hope it doesn't mean more paper boys decide to be off.

Only six more days until the school holidays are over, I might then have a full quota of paper boys back. It's another thing that really makes me miss Mike, he used to just go and cover any rounds that needed covering and school holidays never really seemed like a problem, but recently they have been a nightmare to me. It didn't help yesterday that I had to cover the big commercial round as well.

I went to Willen in the afternoon to have a look at the new day hospice. When the building work started Mike had always said that he wouldn't live to see it finished (which was the first time that he ever put any sort of timescale on his life, we always knew what the outcome would be but we used to talk about it being in the distant future, but when we had that particular conversation it made me aware that he knew it was only months away). It is really impressive and spacious, many moe people over the years will be able to benefit from it as Mike did previously.

It was really good to see some familiar faces as well, Sandy, Clare and Theresa, who kept us sane throughout Mike's illness and since, Melody who I used to see at carers and Mike saw at day hospice and Fiona and Jan who were both Mike's heroes - Jan was the only person who he didn't ever complain about shaving him, and Fiona was the only person he thought understood how he felt and what he needed!

I caught up on some much needed sleep yesterday. I didn't realise how tired I was, but I went to bed when I finished at lunch time and slept for three and a half hours.

Cameron did lots of driving yesterday, he came out to do the big round with me and then drove when we went out to correct a couple of papers that had been messed up by the paper boys, then drove to pick Hannah up in the evening. (I am not half as scared as I thought i'd be!) I got a phone call last night which means that I am going to have to do the big round again today so Cam is all enthusiastic about getting up and driving again this morning - long may it last, because not only is he getting the driving experience, but I am getting some of the heavy lifting done too!

I was a bit naughty with my diet yesterday, I do find the weekends much more difficult than the rest of the week, so I am getting back to it today. When I do have a bad day I don't know why I bother cheating because I really beat myself up about it afterwards, and don't know if it was worth it in the first place.

I still didn't have time to sort the books in my room, I still stared at them (or they stared at me) and got upset last night. It is really beginning to wind me up, because initially I had no problem with my bedroom, it didn't upset me at all, but as time has gone on those books really haunt me, I have tried facing the other way, but then I look at the big empty space in my bed I get upset then too.

Cam and Jasmine

Jasmine

Look how little she is!

Cameron and his new car

Cameron got his car yesterday and we went for our first drive. It is a whole new experience - since Mike died Cam has subconsciously stepped into the role of man of the house and I have to remind him quite often that I am the parent here and that he still has to listen to me and I still make the decisions around here. I have told him that this is even more important when we are out driving together - what I say goes and he must listen all the time. So far, so good.

I did hope to go to Reading today but I don't think I can forfeit my sleep any more. I can't remember the last time that I slept in the day. I am also thinking about sorting out the book shelf in my bedroom today, the majority of the books on it were Mikes, a lot of them were bought for him while he was ill, at the moment I am finding it really difficult having them staring at me when I am trying to sleep. For some reason it starts me off on the not so good memory trail of when he had to stop reading because his memory got so poor that he couldn't remember what had happened a couple of paragraphs before, it used to really frustrate him. I don't know what I am going to put on the shelf instead or where I am going to put the books but I do feel it's making me upset before I go to sleep.

Amazingly my day did improve, I managed to do a bit of plumbing with the help of a metal coat hanger and a bottle of bleach.

I went for my weigh in and have lost 5lb this week, that's 35lb in total now. I'm really pleased that I have found a diet that works at last.

Cameron said he felt unwell yesterday, but didn't know what was the matter, I was really worried about him all day and kept going up to see that he was ok. I thought that he was probably just having a down day which is quite a familiar thing around here, but in the evening we discovered what it really was. I have bought him a car with the intention of him doing the driving on the big round while I sit beside him to give him some experience to get through his test, and we are are picking it up today - he wasn't ill, he was just extrememly excited, he said he hadn't thought about anything else all day.

I'm sat at my computer wondering if there is a god! I sometimes find it hard to imagine that there is, it seems that every day someone or something puts a massive obstacle in my way. I always believed that Mike would be watching over me, but if he is he needs to up his game a bit, or he's up in heaven having a laugh at me dealing with all this rubbish. I have got up this morning to find that we have sewer problem (not the first time!), but the toilet is full to the brim (and doesn't smell very nice) - I just stood and burst into tears, I don't know how much more of this crap (excuse the expression) I can cope with. Mike is watching me because at that point I heard him say "crying isn't going to solve anything" So my first job today when I have finished my three paper rounds, and however many more I have to cover because paper boys are off will be rolling my sleeves up and investigating the problem. I am hoping I can get Cam up to help by then too.

On a brighter note Christine came for coffee yesterday, she is doing really well on this diet. She is my inspiration, she gets slimmer and slimmer every time I see her. It was really good to catch up yesterday and our conversation made me feel that maybe my teenagers are normal after all. It is weigh day again for me today, I don't know where the weeks go.

When I went to bed last night I gave myself a bit of a talking to and decided that I was going to try to be a bit more positive today, I don't think it worked because I am seriously fed up already.

Today is the real start of staff holidays. Ingrid is off until next Thursday then Marie is off until 7th May, in addition to that I still have several paper boys away. Thankfully it is school holidays and Mel is coming in to cover some of the hours.

My kitchen looks better now, I have not completely finished but am almost there now. Jasmine is very happy with her little palace.

Christine is hopefully coming for coffee today, it will be good to catch up because the last twice we have planned it something has gone wrong each time.

Today is spring clean day. Cameron and Curtis have finished their DIY and Jasmine now has a very fancy place to sleep at night in the laundry room. I don't know how big they think she is going to grow, but it is big enough to house a great dane quite comfortably. The rest of the laundry room and kitchen is full of everything that has been moved to make the space. We now need to edit our lives somewhat and get rid of things that really aren't necessary.

Cameron has his assessment at college this afternoon so I hope we are organised before then. I really can't cope with another day of my kitchen looking like a bomb site. It was so bad last night that I had salad for dinner because it was easier than trying to locate the cooker.

Today has been a nightmare already. When I got up this morning I couldn't find my keys, Cam and I had been to B&Q and Costco in the afternoon and I know that he had locked the car, but when I asked him about the keys this morning, admitedly it was only 3.45 am but he looked at me like he didn't even know what a key was. After a great deal of panic and the thought that I may have to have all the locks changed, I went to do the round using my spare car key and have searched since I got back and found that he left them with a load of stuff he bought back from B&Q - I don't know if I am relieved or angry.

I finally bought a new tumble drier yesterday. I had decided that summer was coming and I would cope until the end of the summer but now that April has turned into snow and ice I decided that it was just giving me an extra nightmare trying to get washing dry. Like Helen's comment yesterday, it is horrible making decisions without your husband, Mike used to love domestic appliances, he never used them, but was really into having gadgets. I remember when we bought our first dishwasher he must have phoned ten times from work the day it was delivered asking if it had arrived like we were waiting for a baby to arrive! Like I have said before Mike was very easily pleased, he didn't ask for much!

Between the time I wrote the blog yesterday and when I went out to do the round a couple of inches of snow had fallen. Thankfully I didn't have too many problems with paper boys though, just the usual ones were a bit late. Helen is being a star, she has offered to cover another round for me when I am really short of staff which is a great help.

Cam helped me move my office around yesterday, I haven't been able to put the desk where I really wanted it because it became really complicated with cables not being long enough, and it would have meant that my computer would have ended up being where I have a suspected leak which isn't a good idea. I am really pleased with it though and I am not looking at that same horrible corner that makes me feel so sad - it's not to say I will never get sad in the office again because some of my sadness obviously comes from the fact that when there is any big decisions to make the office is normally where I am, and it is that old thing about the buck stops here now, I have no one to run things past and no one to make joint decisions with anymore.

It's trying really hard to snow this morning so it looks like it may be another morning of under the weather paper boys.

We didn't win the Grand National or the National Lottery so once again I am up in the middle of the night waiting for papers to arrive. I am really looking forward to catching up on some sleep this afternoon, I really struggled to get to sleep again last night and then I find myself clock watching worried that if I go to sleep I might sleep through the alarm.

Cam plans to have a barbecue with his mates this evening because they are on school holidays, but I don't think it is going to be the right weather for that.

I feel I made a bit of progress yesterday. Both Hannah and Cameron went out in the evening and it is the first time I have been at home on my own and not been really upset. The lighter evenings meant that I could take Jasmine out for a walk, a total stranger stopped and chatted for ages about puppies and just passing the time of day. I then came home and had sole control of the remote control and the laptop, it was actually quite nice.

I got weighed yesterday and have lost another 2.5 lbs, that's a total of 30 lb now (but it is still only one third of my goal!) I am really motivated again now and went food shopping yesterday to make sure that I am really good this week.

It's school holidays now, which means paper boys think they have got all day. I have already got loads off and I have another message from one on the ansaphone saying he won't be in (which is rare for payday!) - on a positive note it looks like i'll be gettting plenty of exercise this morning.

I feel a bit more positive today, although not any less tired, I did have a sleep in the day yesterday but am still exhausted today.

I spoke to the school yesterday about Cam (with a little guidance from Sandy!) and I think that we may have sorted a couple of things out. I have also had another chat with Cam and hope that things can be better for him for a while now. He has been offered bereavement counselling, I struggled with counselling during Mike's illness and have shyed away from anything like that since, but if it helps him then that would be really good.

Helen called in the shop yesterday afternoon, firstly to check how Chris had got on with his first day doing a paper round for me, and to tell me she had just been to the cemetery and the council had cut the grass and gone straight over some of my plants. I went up to see - I felt I was due a good cry anyway. I will need to replace two or three of them because they are just little stumps now. Sometimes I feel "is anything ever going to go right again?!"

I don't actually know how I feel today, I feel a bit numb, a bit exhausted, a bit unwell and a bit fed up.

I have woken up with what seems to be the start of a cold which is really the last thing I needed. Cameron and I had an arguement yesterday and it has really affected me much more than I think it should. I know he is struggling at the moment, but I am finding it impossible to make him understand how important it is to go to school regularly and get the qualifications he needs. I wish teenagers could see into the future and understand that without qualifications they can't do what they want to do. I am getting fed up with the school phoning me and speaking to me like I am the naughty schoolgirl, twice now the teacher has reduced me to tears.

I know that Cam is struggling with one Male in particular that Cam feels speaks to him like he is his dad, he gets really upset about it. I have tried to have a calm conversation with him explaining that I too know how strange it is how other people deal with your loss. I have had people in the shop asking me if I feel better, (like i'm ill), telling me "don't worry you're only young you'll find someone else" (I don't want anyone else!!!), and people that just don't know what to say and ignore me in the town - It is really hard and my natural maternal instinct makes me try to protect the kids from this sort of behaviour, but at the same time we do need to continue with every day life and for Cam school is part of that life. He needs to know I love him and I only want what's best for him x x

We had a good day in Reading yesterday. It was really good seeing everyone, I was a bit naughty with my diet though. I also caught up with Amanda, had a coffee and a long overdue gossip.

We didn't get home until 10.15 pm and then I couldn't sleep when I went to bed, so I am really struggling to keep my eyes open today.

I am going to have to sort myself out today though, I have got lots to do, including the fact that Julie who does my biggest round at the moment has given me a months notice that she will be leaving at the end of April. It's not the easiest job in the world to fill, but I will make an effort to do something about it this morning.

I am seriously lacking sleep now. I did have a couple of hours during the day yesterday but really struggled when I went to bed last night. I suppose I have been lucky before, even when things have been really bad I have been able to sleep in spite of myself, but just recently my head seems to be full of all sorts of memories etc and I just can't settle.

We are going to Reading today - It is Mark's 50th Birthday and Nicky's 23rd Birthday today, Happy Birthday x x

I am still waiting for the papers to arrive and have at least two rounds to do. It is raining and really windy so I expect there will be more paper boys ringing up that "feel a little under the weather".