I don't think there is going to be enough hours in the day today. The papers are late which isn't a good start. I need to do the big round then come back and take Hannah to work, i'm then dropping Cam and Curtis to Billing, dashing back and picking Hannah up from work and taking her to her hospital appointment. Tomorrow is the walk for Willen, I think I have the shop sorted so I can go now.

I went for my weigh in yesterday, I wasn't too disappointed, I knew that I was going to have put on weight and I had, but only four pounds in all the time I have been so bad, but I am back into it now so hopefully will be back to losing again next week.

It's Friday again already, I don't know where the time goes. I always remember my mum telling me once that time going fast is a sign of getting old. I must be getting really old.

I made several telephone calls yesterday trying to find out what is happening with my dad, it appears that he has slipped through the net somewhere. They have a record of him being seen in clinic on 9th May and their computer says that he has been referred to the surgical waiting list, when I phoned them they said they have no record of him and advised me to phone x ray to see if he was supposed to have a scan first - they haven't heard of him either. I then telephoned his GP where the receptionist was very helpful and the GP is going to try to make some enquiries for me today. - is nothing simple???

I had a really bad day yesterday. I just wish I could see some light at the end of the tunnel, somedays I get to the point when I think that I can't take any more and all that keeps me going is the thought that things can't get any worse and have got to improve at some point. I am exhausted and desperately counting the days until our holiday (23), before I can have the luxury of having time off Judy is off for two weeks though and out of everybody her not being here will have the biggest impact on me, as she is the one that loyally gets up and comes it at 4.30 am every single morning, which helps me through the busiest three hours of every day. By the time she gets back I will be even more ready for my holiday. In addition to her being off from this weekend I am back to doing the big round myself every Saturday and Sunday, Cameron sometimes says he will do it with me, but I actually get more stressed out by having to keep going upstairs calling him and then him continually going back to sleep, it is easier to do it myself, although he did get up to help this morning.

Hannah is having her scan on Saturday, I am so relieved that they are investigating it because the family history with my mum and me is horrendous. I am getting myself in a state about the fact that my dad hasn't even had an appointment for his scan yet, I might phone his GP today as I can't afford to lose much more sleep.

Thunder woke me up this morning promptly followed by Jasmine crying, so I have been up since 2.40 am trying to calm the dog down when I am terrified of thunder myself.

I am fed up with school holidays, the boys are either off or think that they have got all day and arrive when they feel like it, I will be glad when things get back to normal.

The bank holiday is over but nobody seems to have told the weather. It is still pouring with rain this morning and both Judy and I have got soaked doing paper rounds.

It's school hoildays so I still have lots of paper boys off, I have got most of them covered but with the rain as it is I am half expecting at least one call from someone who "doesn't feel well!".

I only managed to sleep for an hour yesterday, I just wish I could really catch up and feel a little less exhausted than I do, both emotionally and physically, I can't seem to settle because there is always something that needs doing. Hannah has got her scan on Saturday, I am pretty worried about her, she has been coming home from work and sleeping for two or three hours every evening as soon as she has had her dinner, it's not like her but she just says she's really really tired (I can relate to that feeling).

Jasmine getting dry

I hate bank holidays, they are real family times and I find them really difficult. In addition to my dislike for bank holidays it is five months today that Mike died. I try really hard not to keep count, it doesn't make it any easier, but I suppose it doesn't make it any harder than it already is either. People say that time is a healer, but no one ever says what time, grieving is an awful process and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I go through stages of thinking that I am coping and then almost feel guilty that I am managing to carry on without him, some days I just feel that I am not coping at all and can see no light at the end of the tunnel. The only way that I manage to get through is by reminding myself that I have no choice, reliving the nightmare in my mind and crying as much as I like will not change anything, what has happened has happened and we need to continue as best we can.

Hannah and Cam were exceptionally good yesterday. Cam got up and helped with the rounds and when Hannah came home from work she turned into some sort of domestic godess, we were sat watching tv and she appeared with the ironing board and stood and done everyone's ironing. Cam and I bathed Jasmine too, she looks so scrawny when she is wet, but she looks very posh now.

I managed to sleep yesterday afternoon, which meant I could stay up later last night, so I am now in the viscious circle that I am tired again this morning because I had a late night, so I may just have to sleep again this afternoon. I am doing the shop myself today because my normal staff don't work bank holidays so by the time I have finished I will probably be ready to go back to bed. Sometimes I feel that my whole life consists of working and sleeping, I have to sleep at stupid times to have the energy to work the stupid hours, but I have very little energy to do anything else.

Yesterday was a busy day. It's school holidays again so we had six rounds to cover, in addition to that one of the paper boys phoned me at 2.30 yesterdy afternoon to say he was going to a wedding and he couldn't work today, when I told him that he needs to give more notice than that he said he'd only just found out about the wedding - I hear all sorts of excuses, but that one is a bit unbelievable, it might have been slightly more believable if he'd phoned in the morning.

Steve Barnes (chaplain from Willen) came in the shop yesterday afternoon, it was lovely to see him. When I told Cam that he had been in he reminded me that we don't call him Steve we call him Charlie Chaplain - another example of Cam inheriting Mike's inappropriate sense of humour, he gave him that name the day that he came to discuss the funeral service and it has stuck ever since.

Hannah and I watched the Eurovision Song Contest in bed last night, we spent the whole time moaning about how awful they were and then both fell asleep before the results. I still don't know who won because I am waiting for the papers to arrive, that are obviously late because they waited for the result before printing them.

I'm glad we travelled down on Thursday, the traffic was awful and it took almost four hours, we would never have managed it on Friday morning.

The funeral was another case of me being prepared for something and something else catching me unaware. I thought that it would be difficult and that it would open wounds about Mike's, but that didn't affect me like I thought it would, I did struggle though because it was in the same chapel as where mum's was held and it was a female vicar as it was at mum's too. After the service I went across to mum's grave and composed myself before we went back to the house after. It was good to catch up with family that we haven't seen for ages, although I keep in touch with them by email and they are regular blog readers.

I managed to get a four hour lie in yesterday morning and then got pampered by dad making my breakfast.

Ok so blue wasn't the colour last night, but there was times when the ref may as well have been wearing a Man Utd shirt. Hannah was even shouting at the TV for his poor decisions and she claims to have no interest in football, although she understands that for her safety it is Chelsea that she needs to be supporting in our home.

I've got a long list today, I need to do the bills and work out the wages a day early, I might also try to get a sleep before I leave as I was up a bit late watching the football last night.

Amanda has sussed me out, if anyone was going to it would be her! She has questioned about my weigh in's, or lack of them. I have really lost the plot with my diet and am really struggling to get back on track. There is no real excuse, apart from I have been stressed out of my mind with worry about my dad and his eye problem, then worried about Hannah and her scan etc, in addition to the fact that I have eaten so many poached eggs and mushrooms for breakfast I am sick of the sight of them, my other option is natural yogurt with fruit and I don't really like that, the third option is porridge, but that seems to be a real winter breakfast, so I am messing up at breakfast time and then get into the mind set that i've messed it up anyway so might as well just eat everything bad. I am really disappointed with myself because I felt so positive about it and actually felt I could achieve it this time. I have an appointment next Friday and need to really tell her how I am struggling.

There won't be a blog tomorrow as I will be in Reading, one positive thing about this trip is that I will get at least an extra four hours in bed in the morning.

I don't know what happened to yesterdays blog, I wrote it but for some reason it didn't publish.

I can't believe that it has been frosty the last two mornings after the spell of nice weather, I had got used to doing my paper round in a T shirt and now I am back to cleaning the car windscreen and wearing a fleece. I hope it improves again soon as nice weather deffinately lifts my mood.

Hannah has got her blood test today and she is really nervous about it. Cameron tried to covince her it would be fine by saying "I give blood out of the goodness of my heart", (he started giving blood because Mike used to and he promised him he would do it instead), she has asked me to go with her, which I will - I don't have a problem with it at all anymore as over time I must have seen them take gallons out of Mike.

There is lots of housework on the agenda today and then tomorrow I will have to do all my normal Friday jobs. I have read the riot act to Hannah about the rules when Cam and I are away, I am quite confident that she will not do anything stupid.

I didn't write a blog yesterday because it was chaotic here. The papers were late ariving and then we had the wrong quantities of papers, which we could tell by just looking at them, but Smiths hadn't supplied a delivery sheet so it was impossible to check what we should have reallyhad. It took me over twenty minutes of trying to phone Smiths before I got anything but the engaged tone, they didn't have the answer to where my missing paperwork was, but at least were able to tell me from their computer what I was supposed to have. It then turned out that they had messed up everyones supply of Mail on Sundays because the bundles were a different size to what it said on the label - nightmare.

I need to go to Luton to the wholesaler this morning and hope to sleep at sometime too, as I only managed fifty minutes yesterday afternoon.

Yesterday was a slightly better day, well it couldn't be any worse, I felt that on Thursday I had reached the depths of despair again.

I have organised cover for Friday and written a list of the admin I will need to do on Thursday instead, so I can go down to Reading on Thursday night to avoid any traffic problems.

The kids are "friends" again now, sometimes we all need to errupt. The tension and frustration just reaches a point that it does us all good to have a shout and cry, the thing that sets you off though is often not what you are crying about at all, it is everything that has built up over time.

I know that yesterday was a difficult day by the fact that my eyes are sore this morning where I cried so much. I wonder what I have done so wrong to end up with such a rough deal.

Hannah has had pains in her stomach on and off for weeks now so went to the dr yesterday, she now needs to go back for blood tests and they are going to organise a scan, in the meantime they have given her different pain killers.

The most positive part of yesterday was Christine came for coffee, she also brought me a card and present for my birthday. Thanks it's lovely x x

My evening went from bad to worse. The kids had a full blown argument, I won't comment on who I think was in the wrong but Hannah ran a bath and Cameron promptly got in it - a lot of bad language and raised voices was used and it ended with Hannah bursting into tears. I couldn't take any more hassle so picked up my keys and went out, as I drove away I didn't really know where I was going, but I ended up at the cemetery sobbing my heart out.

I came home to a message being told that Uncle Reg had died yesterday. When we were young we used to often go and play cards and Yahtzee and have supper with Joyce and Reg. I had one of my images of heaven again and imagined Reg and Mike up there drinking home made wine. The funeral is next Friday and Cam and I intend to go down to Reading for it, although it is early in the morning and I am going to have to try to arrange cover for the papers and the shop as I will need to go on Thursday evening because the motorways are even more unpredictable at rush hour.

We had a good day in Reading yesterday, apart from the drive down, there was roadworks on the M1, M25 and M4, but the drive back was good and we were home in an hour and twenty minutes.

We managed to fit loads in to the day, I went to the appointment with the bank first, then we went in to Wokingham to see Nicky at the tattoo shop, then into Reading town so Hannah could buy her summer wardrobe for next to nothing in Primark, we then visited my dad and finally went to see Mark, Did and Adam before we came home. Although our family are there and it's where the three of us were born and lived the majority of our lives it doesn't feel like home any more, I always have this weird sense of when we come off the M1 and drive towards Newport Pagnell that this is very much our home. We obviously have a lot of good memories of Reading and I am amazed at the things that don't upset me when we are there, like on the way to Mark's we pass the church that we were married in, but I must confess I was caught a little unaware and did get a bit upset when we drove past the flat in Lower Earley where Mike and I lived before we were married.

Thank you to Hannah and Cam for making such an effort yesterday and making my birthday special. Hannah took me to Starbucks in the morning for coffee and in the evening Cam did the three of us a barbeque. I knew that yesterday would be a tough one, this year of first anniversarys of everything without Mike is never going to be easy, but they managed to make it really nice.

I am going to Reading today to my appointment with the bank manager, every time the appointment is due I wonder why we never moved our business banking to Milton Keynes, but then convince myself that if it works don't change it, most of what I need to do is done over the phone or internet and a trip to Reading is never wasted because I visit everyone when i'm there. Hannah is off today and is going to come with me too.

Today is going to be a day of mixed emotions, my first birthday without Mike. Judy and David have arrived this morning with a card and present and I had part of my present from Hannah and Cameron last night.

It was good to see Jean and Eddie yesterday, although I appreciate how difficult it must be for them coming here.

Yesterday was a quite a good day, apart from the fact that Man Utd won the premiership of course.

Gill came over and we had KFC for dinner (I know it's very naughty, but it's tradition when Gill comes). We then sat in the garden just chilling - I don't get to do that very often and it was really nice. She left me presents for my birthday tomorrow too, I don't know how I am going to feel about my first birthday wthout Mike, it's another one of the things I have to get through and the first will always be the worst.

Jean and Eddie are coming today, I have told Jasmine she has to be good because they haven't met her before, but I don't think she listened.

I have had a weird night - I had a very vivid dream about Mike, it was kind of nice to almost see him again, but quite disturbing when I woke up to reallity. I don't remember my dreams often, but I am sure that Mike must be in them, in my daily life I feel that he is beside me all the time anyway, I often hear his voice giving me a bit of guidance and think about the cheeky comments that he would say about some of the things that go on.

After all my apologising to Cam about sending his shoes to Willen he eventually found them yesterday. I made him empty his bedroom and tidy it from scratch because it had got to the point that you couldn't see the carpet in there, he found all sorts of things including the shoes.

The papers are going to be a nightmare this morning, I have got to do the big round again today and the papers haven't even been delivered here yet, which is very unusual for a weekend.

Maybe I did have good reason to worry about my dad. He's been told he's not to drive under any circumstances, he's got to have a scan and got to have an operation. I have asked him lots of questions about it but he doesn't seem to know what the operation is for, all he knows is that there is an obstruction and they can't see the back of his eye - I sometimes wonder how much more rubbish I can take, but I seem to muddle through. It just seems that all those closest to me are being struck down with something, it has turned me into a very protective mum as I am now paranoid that something is going to happen to the kids.

Cameron had to go to the Open University last night with his Young Enterprise project because his group won the Milton Keynes region and had to go to compete with the rest of Buckinghamshire. He had to wear his suit and had it all prepared days in advance, but last night when he was getting ready he asked me where his shoes were, I lost my rag a bit asking "why would I know where your shoes are, they are probably somewhere in the mess in your room", he then told me that when we had got back from Mike's funeral, which was the last time he had worn them I told him to put them in my wardrobe so they didn't get wrecked in his mess. So I then knew exactly where they were, when I sorted Mike's things out I had obviously sent them to the Willen shop, I can't believe I did that, a £50 pair of shoes and he only ever wore them for one afternoon. So Cam looked very smart apart from his trainers!!

I don't know what is going on with my sleep pattern a the moment but I need to sort it out. I felt really lousy yesterday morning so went back to bed at 8 am and slept until 11.15 am, when I got up I never seemed to really wake up properly and felt headachy and tired all afternoon. I went to bed at 6.45 pm last night and slept through until 2.00 am, at which point my head was filled with worry about the fact that my dad has got a hospital appointment today, which I think is probably worrying me more than him at the moment, but I am concerned that they phoned him on Wednesday evening and told him to go today. Living with what we have been through gives you a totally different outlook on life, it teaches you to live for today and never take anything for granted, it teaches you that you need to follow your dream and don't put things off until tomorrow, it teaches you how important family are and to make the most of every day that you have with them. It is really difficult now to accept that those closest to you may have something minor wrong with them that can be treated quite easily because you always fear the worst. I was hoping to go to Reading to go to the appointment with dad but owing to the fact that there was so little notice about it I won't be able to, my uncle is going to take him and they promise to phone me as soon as they know anything.

I didn't get a break yesterday, and went to Costco to get stock after we closed so am exhausted this morning. I've still got my sore throat which is now moving into my ear so I might have to have a sleep today. Hannah seems to be a bit better but Cam is still coughing constantly.

Marie is back so yesterday was the first day in as long as I can remember that we were fully staffed which is a good feeling. I managed to achieve most of what was on my list yesterday so maybe my new system is working.

I couldn't believe it when the alarm clock went off this morning, I felt like I had only just gone to bed. I've still got a sore throat and now Hannah has a temperature too. Cameron continues to cough constantly, although I think that he has some sort of hayfever allergy as he has it this time every year. (The sound of Cam coughing is identical to when Mike used to cough and spooks me out).

I have already written my list for today so know what I want to get done. I am still doing a paper round during the week but Marie is back from her holiday today so I may get a break during the day.

Sorry to everyone that emailed me yesterday concerned that I hadn't blogged. My bank holiday was cheered up by the surprise arrival at 5 am of my niece and nephew, Nicky and Adam. I was in the mark up room sorting papers when the door opened and they shouted "surprise!" It was really good to see them and made yesterday a lot easier, I was very aware that it was a bank holiday and remembered how I had struggled with Easter and was dreading yesterday too.

Nicky woke Cam up and he promptly went back to sleep, when he did eventually get up he looked at them and said "oh, I wasn't dreaming then".

We closed the shop early yesterday, Bank holiday supplies of papers are always a nightmare and we had to buy Telegraphs and Guardians from the petrol station to have enought to do our rounds (there isn't any profit in that!).

I've got lots to do today, I am getting to the stage that I need to start writing lists again, my mind goes blank far too often lately and I spend a lot of my time back-tracking in an effort to remember what I was about to do. I stopped writing lists a while ago because I beat myself up if I don't achieve everything that I set out to do, but I am going to change them from to do lists to remember lists.

We managed to fill the skip with rubbish without too much effort and dad did the woodwork jobs that I had planned for him. I don't know who was more exhausted last night him or me. We are going to Auntie Pat and Uncle Cyril's for lunch today so my sleep will be a bit delayed, but at least tomorrow is only a half day too so I can sleep all afternoon if I need to, or more to the point if I am able to.

Hannah slept in my bed last night so dad could have her room, I am not used to sharing my bed anymore and she's used to having a double bed to herself too, so it was a big effort to stay on our own sides of the bed. My alarm went off ok this morning so I hope that I have solved that problem.

I've still got a sore throat, but at least I managed to get up on time today. My alarm didn't go off again for some reason, but I had woken up several times to check the time so managed not to oversleep.

Dad is arriving early this morning and Cam promises to be up and ready to start. We cut the grass last night, Cam gave me a lesson on getting the petrol mower started and then supervised me cutting the grass like I was a small child. It took me a while to realise that I was walking up and down the garden when he was stood in one place, so I have assured him that in future grass cutting is his job.

My diet was a bit pants last week, I put on one pound. I am not suprised because I just couldn't get my head around it, but I am back to it now.

Today hasn't started well, I overslept and only woke up to the sound of Judy arriving and turning off the burglar alarm. I've also woken up with a really sore throat, but I can hear Mike saying "we don't do illness" (he used to tell everyone that, it's ironic really considering what happened to him).

I went to the cemetery to tell Mike my woes yesterday, the council had just cut the grass but thankfully this time my plants have survived. I got as upset as I have been in a long time while I was there, I just stood there in disbelief that all this has happened.

My dad is coming up for the weekend to help with my ever growing list of DIY that needs doing. A skip is arriving today so we are going to be really busy.

Christine came to see me yesterday afternoon, it was good to catch up, hopefully next time she comes I might be fully staffed again and at least be able to offer her a cup of coffee.

I'm glad to say that all the newspapers are covered in blue Chelsea shirts today. I couldn't stay awake any longer than the first half, but when I got up and came down to my office this morning Cameron had written a note in marker pen and left it on my desk that just said "Moscow" so I presumed that they had won. Normally I know the score from him cheering or shouting that the ref is on the oppositions side, but he must have been quiet last night because I didn't have a clue which way it had gone.