This is the type of morning that I won't miss. It is really foggy and horrible, although I am a bit relieved that so far it is not what the headline of the Express said yesterday - they predict that we are going to have ten days worth of rain in one day, I keep having a real panic about it, worrying that the shop might flood and the new people would then decide they don't want it. Then I hear Mike saying to me "don't believe all that you read in the paper"

I've got three rounds to do this morning, but hopefully this time next week I will still be fast asleep.

I spoke too soon about not being stressed because I am now stresesd out of my mind.

The solicitors didn't get their act together on time, so Monday has now become Tuesday or even Wednesday for completion. The last couple of days have been a real struggle, both the buyers and me have felt like banging the solicitors heads together to get something done. One says one thing and the other says something else.

I have had a nightmare morning with papers again, half of them were going to be so late that in the end I went and collected them myself. I then had two paper boys that let me down and I have no option but to sack one of them, I feel a bit bad doing it in my last few days, but I think I would have felt worse passing such a little "darling" onto the new people - I don't think they would have thanked me for that.

I'm a bit concerned that i'm not feeling stressed enough today. There is so much happening and I seem to be a bit too calm about the whole thing. Today is the coffee morning, I know that it is going to mean a lot of goodbyes, but I have said the hardest goodbye ever already this year so although it might bring a tear to my eye I am sure that I can cope with it.

We are still chasing solicitors, I am absolutely convinced that they only take so much time to justify the massive fee that they charge. We are still holiding out for a completion on Monday. I have got an interview between now and then and am going to stay in a hotel for the night tonight so there will be no early morning blog tomorrow.

I don't know where the time is going this week, i've got so much to do and so little time - hopefully next week will be the reverse of that and i'll have so much time and so little to do!

Yesterday was my last Tuesday in the shop, and today is my last Wednesday. I have lots of mixed emotions, I know I have made the right decision and that selling the business is the only hope I ever have of rebuilding my life, but I will leave with some very happy memories of the shop and customers, and of course good memories of spending time in the shop with all the staff.

I intend to make cakes tonight for the coffee morning, but feel I may be cheating and buying some as I have the new owner with me from 11.00 - 5.00 today and have got things to do after I close too.

I slept, slept then slept some more yesterday. I reached the point that I could not do anything else - at 8.30 am when i'd done everything that really needed to be done in the shop I went upstairs to the flat and slept for two hours on Hannah's bed (It is just a frame and a mattress, the new people are buying it from me), I then went home at lunch time after we closed and went to bed at 12.45 and didn't wake up until 4.30 pm, we had dinner then I fell asleep on the sofa for an hour, woke up enough to go to bed and slept until 3.20 am when the alarm went off - the sad thing is I don't feel a great deal better for it.

Today is an early close because it's a bank holiday, I have a whole list of things i'd like to do but not sure how much I will achieve, I may just have a sleep instead!

We achieved loads yesterday. We got the window done (my last window, how sad!) Gill and Pete came in the afternoon and helped with several trips to the tip and then trips to the house with garden furniture and pots etc. It is good to know that all that is left is a few coats and the last minute things from the office. Gill and Pete bought us a light as a house warming present, we all love it thanks x x

I went to the barbeque last night, it was a difficult thing to do as Neil has a barbeque for his birthday every year and the last few years obviously I have gone with Mike, last night was the first time I have gone out socially to anyone other than family alone, it was a bit strange but Marie and Neil have been a massive support to me and I feel totally comfortable with them.

The papers were early this morning and all the paper boys have turned up despite the weather, I have finished my round and covered one that is on holiday and am now just looking forward to 12 o'clock when I can catch up in some sleep.

We made even more progress yesterday. My office is now empty of all personal belongings apart from two photo's, one of Mike and me and one of Hannah and Cam, it seems really odd sitting in here today, almost like it isn't mine anymore.

Todays aim is to do a window display advertising the coffee morning, then empty the shed and transport the stuff to the house, do a couple of trips to the tip and then go to a barbeque this evening. I'm tired just thinking about it!

It is quite a nice thought that potentially I only have one more weekend that I have to get up at 3.30 am. I have doen it for five years without thinking about it, but when other people say "I don't know how you do it" I often wonder myself lately.

With Jean and Eddies help we made much more progress yesterday. The flat is now clean and after a few trips to the house today it will be clear too. I got a call from the solicitor in the morning to say that I needed to go and answer the buyers solicitors queries with him so lost a couple of hours in the afternoon, but at least it means that we are a stage further on with that now as well - our only concern is that we lose a day because of the bank holiday next week which makes it very tight for time to complete on 1st September but it is still the aim.

I have woken up this morning feeling like I haven't been to bed, i'm back to the stage of getting in a state because I can't actually see when I am likely to catch up on some sleep in the next week.

Things can only get better! Yesterday was an awful day. The Daily Mail was on a re-run and eventually I ended up driving to the other side of Milton Keynes to pick it up myself to ensure that the rounds got done in reasonable time.

Marie came round in the morning to motivate me to go to the tip and get myself sorted out. Hannah came later as well and we ended up doing eight trips. Jean and Eddie anre coming today and staying overnight so hopefully we will be much more sorted by the weekend.

Yesterday afternoon the engineer from ADT came to do the routine alarm check and everything was fine, or so it seemed, until at 5 pm when I went to set the alarm it was still in engineer mode, I phoned them to be told it would be between one and three hours before someone could call me back. I lost my temper a bit and reminded them that I hadn't asked for the engineer to be inefficent and I didn't intend waiting around for them to sort it - it still took an hour but I suppose it is better than three.

I went to the cemetery to have a chat with Mike, I told him that I had been quite impressed with him over the last few weeks, finding me a buyer, finding us a nice house etc, but felt that he hasn't been much of a guardian angel to me over the last few days and its about time he upped his game. I often feel he is watching me, sometimes thinking what an idiot I am being, I hear him telling me to stop crying when I am sad and in a weird sort of way it is still him who motivates me.

I caught up with a little bit of sleep yesterday. I went home at 11.30 am to see Cam because with his shifts this week if I don't go home until 5 pm I won't see him at all. I need to do something to stop feeling guilty about taking time out though, I feel bad when I leave the shop to go home, but by 11.30 I had worked eight hours flat out and did come back and do another couple of hours in the afternoon.

I phoned Jean in a state of panic last night that I am running out of time and still have so much to do. I need to blitz the flat and do about 20 trips to the tip. I still haven't moved the contents of the shed or the pots from the garden and also have boxes of stuff that need to go from my office to the loft at the house. It took a lot to ask for help, I find it really difficult admitting that I can't do it alone, but I did ask and Jean and Eddie are very kindly coming up tomorrow.

I was so tired last night I could have sat and cried. I went home in the morning to have a sleep but only managed an hour which made me feel worse not better. I did a lot of intense admin in the afternoon and intended to go straight home at five and fall into bed, but I was still sat at my desk at 6.35 pm and didn't get to bed until about 9.30 pm.

I feel a little bit better that I managed to get all of the business invoicing finished yesterday and have now sent letters, invoices and statements to everyone asking them to pay up before I go to keep the book debts that the new people have to buy to a minimum.

Cameron's playstation 3 arrived yesterday, which is his latest purchase with his "hard earned" wages. He was trying to make me be amazed by graphics again last night, but it really doesn't excite me, I do try really hard to show some enthusiasm though because Mike and him would have talked about it for hours and I know Cam misses the long "meaningful chats" that he used to have with his dad.

I've got loads to do this week and have had to write myself a list. At this moment in time I am so tired that I think the top of my list should read sleep. I had a busy weekend again and another Sunday afternoon without my catch up sleep - I think the only way that I am surviving now is knowing that there is that glimmer of light at the end of the tunnell and one day I will be able to have a lie in.

It was really good having Nicky and Adam for the weekend. Adam did lots more little jobs for me and Nicky keeps me supplied with coffee all the time. I went shopping with Nicky in the afternoon while the boys watched football. Nicky and Adam cooked us lunch which was really nice too. x x

Nicky and Adam came last night, they had only been here about five minutes and Adam had done two jobs for me. He changed the fuse in the cooker hood so that now works and sorted out why my hot water wasn't working. I had gone home for a hot bath yesterday morning and ended up running a bath full of cold water.

When I went to bed l left the four of them playing Olympics on the X Box, there was lots of laughter, although I am not convinced that the boys were telling the girls exactly how to do it in case they beat them.

I am having the big fridge moved from the flat to the house today so we can have it as a back up, I can't remember ever only having one fridge and it is a bit of a struggle when the one that we have got in the kitchen seems to be full with a packet of picnic eggs and a tub of coleslaw - obviously not built to cater for Cam.

I have managed to sell the big sofa and that is being collected today too. It will then be clear for me to do a final clean.

I made a bit of a mistake with the date of the coffee morning yesterday, it is Thursday 28th August.

I was very impressed with the new people yesterday and I think they were pretty impressed with themselves - they managed to go out and do the big round on their own. It had been worrying them a bit, so armed with a map and a tom tom they got it done.

Jean, Eddie and my dad came up yesterday so I now have wardrobes with clothes in and a blind in the bathroom and kitchen. Gill came up later too, it was really good to see everyone and thanks for all your help x

I can't believe it is Friday again already, though weekends are no different to any other day of the week to me at the moment, but they will be someday soon!

Yesterday was another busy day training, I find it quite difficult to remember what I need to tell them as much of what I do I just do as part of my daily routine. We have done the big round six times now and they are beginning to recognise landmarks and today the plan is that they direct me to do it. Marie spent the afternoon going through newspaper subscription vouchers, football pools, holiday stops on the computer and cashing up - i'm not suprised that they feel a bit like they have had information overload.

We have started planning our Willen coffee morning for Thursday 29th August - everyone is welcome so please come along.

I'm getting to the point that I need to start writing lists again. I have been so busy trying to juggle training the couple that are buying the shop and trying to sort out the house. I wake up with set ideas of things that I want to achieve and by 9 am I can't remember any of them. Yesterday morning was an horrendous example of paper rounds though, the Telegraph was on a re-run so very late arriving, i've still got lots of lads off and then a mother phoned to say her son had gone away for four days and so wouldn't be in - that's bad enough in itself but he was supposed to be covering another round too. - I went into panic mode a little thinking that all this nightmare would put the new people off, but they said they are just relieved it happened when i'm still here.

Cameron got his new tv last night, I can't believe how big it is (42"), he sat Hannah and me down and told us "prepare to be amazed" - it is a bit amazing, it feels like the people are sat with us in the living room.

It feels really strange driving to work and not just walking down the stairs and being there. I arrived at the shop with the first paper delivery this morning which felt really weird too.

Cam and I went food shopping last night so we were able to have our first take away free dinner in days. We picked Hannah up on the way back and Cam cooked when we got in, long may it last.

I am doing another day of training today, it isn't that difficult because they are such a nice couple and so eager to learn, they are also really eager to delivery apers which is a bit of a bonus considering that we have so many people off at the moment.

I know i've been slacking and not blogged for a couple of days, but I feel a bit like my world has gone mad.

We have now totally moved to the house and have been spending every spare minute emptying boxes. Mark, Did, Nicky, Adam, Jim and Dad were a great help to us on Sunday I don't know what we would have done without them (apart from still be sitting in the flat surrounded by boxes). Auntie Pat and Uncle Cyril came to the rescue too when we discovered we had got the wrong size slats and matress from Ikea for Hannah's bed.

Jean and Eddie came yesterday on their way home from Karen's and they are going to come back up on Friday and bring my dad with them to build my wardrobes.

In addition to all the moving I am also training the new people to run the shop. I am having to be incredibly awake and alert when all I feel like doing is crawling back into bed. They are really enthusiastic just like Mike and I were when we took over, and still owuld have been if things had been different.

We are going to organise a joint coffee morning for Willen, they feel that it is something that they would like to continue doing and we thought it would be good to have one before I go so I can say goodbye to customers and they can get a chance to meet their new customers.

The blog is nearer 3 pm than 3 am today. The soon to be "new owners" came to observe their first early morning today, thankfully they are still as enthusiatic as they were even after two paper boys letting me down and them haveing to come and do the rounds with me.

Adam came up last night to help get ahead a bit with the moving, he helped pack loads of boxes and has dismantled some of the furniture ready to move it. Cam and Hannah are both working today so he has been taking boxes to the new house and putting them straight in the loft. It is a real help, thanks Adam.

Yesterday was taken up running around sorting things out and packing boxes again. The three of us were very industrious last night, we eventually managed to get the sofas that we are taking to the tip out of the flat. None of us could remember how they had actually got in there and eventually Cam had to get a saw to them so that we could get them through the doorway at the bottom of the stairs.
I wrapped all the pictures in bubble wrap and the place looks really bare without them.

I got a bit emotional last night, I was remembering how excited we had been when we were getting ready to move here and take over the shop. We had so many plans for the future, where as now I sometimes I feel incredibly scared that my future is so unknown. The only way I can pull myself together is remembering Mike's motto - "live for today, you don't know what's going to happen tomorrow". I know we are doing the right thing and I take a lot of comfort from how excited Hannah and Cam are about the move and ultimatley the possibility to resume some sort of "normal" family life that it is not governed by the business

There are some weird things going on here today. When I got up I was greeted by Hannah on the landing who was on her way to get a drink and I could hear talking and found Cam and Chris sat on his bed watching tv chatting - it's not just me that's mad being up at 3.30am it's rubbing off on the kids too.

There was quite a bit of progress yesterday, we get the keys to the house on Friday and are moving on Sunday, with the help of lots of family from Reading. Sadie (the best florist in Newport) is lending me her van for the weekend - she is a star! The lady that is buying the shop phoned last night and she is majorly excited about the whole thing and they are still pushing for an exchange of contracts tomorrow so they can come and have their first days training on Saturday - will she still be excited that early in the morning???

I don't seem to be getting anywhere with packing. I went to Staples and bought bubble wrap for Mike's china dogs last night. We have already chosen where they are going to go in the new house, but are really worried about transporting them. I can't believe when I look at some of the rubbish that Mike kept that he didn't keep the boxes that his dogs came in - we will probably discover them in a "safe place" as the packing progresses.

I went over to Willen to give them some bereavement books that I bought in case anyone else could get any use from them. It was good to see Sandy and Theresa again.

Cameron and I embarked on one of the biggest tasks last night. We decided that it would be a good idea if we emptied the loft (one of the lofts!) and started sorting stuff out, we have three categories - keep it, bin it and Willen shop, we had so much for the bin by 7.30 pm that we took a car full to the tip. Once again there was lots of "do you remember this?" I think we have made some progress, although when I went to bed I left Cam playing with a big box of lego, he insists that he wasn't playing and says that he was sorting it out because he is going to ask James and Imogen if they would like it.

Happy birthday Adam x

Yesterday was another busy day, more and more paper boys seem to be on holiday and it isn't helped by two of the lads that have been covering another round now coming in and saying they need two or three days off so i've got double to cover.

Hannah told Cam about an ex display TV that they had at Toys R Us and after Cam had asked 100's of technical questions about it to which Hannah knew very few of the answers we decided that he would go and look at it. He was very suprised that it was everything that he has been looking for and so is very impressed with his bargain - it was £699.00 and he got it for £250.

We then went looking at sofas, we now have the same problem with Cam that I used to have with Mike - what is comfortable for someone that is 6'2 and what is comfortable for someone that is 5'2 is very different. We have narrowed it down a bit though and have at least agreed on what we don't like.

I wish I could have a phase in my life when I don't spend the entire time worrying. I know that moving house is supposed to be one of the most stressful things that you do, but it seems a lot worse when there is the selling of a business involved too. It is obvioulsy made even worse by the fact that I am doing it alone, I miss Mike saying "don't worry everything will be ok", I spent twenty two years of beleiving that, but now shouldering 100% responsibility is probably the scariest thing that I have ever done.

Hannah decided that she would sort the sideboard out last night, we found lots of memories of Mike in there. We laughed when she kept discovering nail clippers, When Mike was on steroids his nails grew at an alarming rate and he seemed to be forever cutting them, but everytime he went to do it we could never find the nail clippers. I lost count of how many times we had to buy new ones and he would always say that he would keep them in a safe place, but as we all know his memory became increasingly worse and he could never remember where the safe place was - we have now discovered that it was in the sideboard.

Yesterday was a bit of an upsetting day. We were told when we applied to rent that we would not be allowed to have pets, we talked about it and over the last week have thought long and hard about what we could do but there really was no options. I put a photo of her in the shop window asking if anyone could give her a loving home. Yesterday a really nice couple who she instantly loved came in and they have re-homed her. I got upset, but am confident that she will be looked after there. Cam had made a good point that once we have moved and I am working she would have been on her own a lot of the time anyway which wouldn't have been fair either.

This afternoon is sleep time and then I think I will have to do a bit more cupboard clearing.

Yesterday was a stupidly busy day. After doing the round, printing the bills and doing the wages I went for a sleep for a couple of hours. When I got up at 10.30 Mel told me their was two telephone messages, the first was from the Business Transfer Agent, so I phoned him and he was just telling me that he had all the information that he needed from the buyers and everything was going ok. The second call was from the buyers, when I phoned them back they asked if they could come at 3 pm to measure for curtains etc - this meant that I had to dash about like an idiot clearing up for ages as everything was in a worse mess where we had been sorting cupboards out the night before. They were a bit late arriving and didn't leave until it was time to close.

I need to go to the wholesaler again this morning. I know that the fact that I have to go so often is good because it means we are selling the stock, which is the general idea in retail I suppose, but it seems like I am forever there at the moment.

I did manage to have a couple of hours sleep yesterday, but it was a bit of a waste of time because I have slept less than two hours in the night so am even more exhausted than when I started yesterday. However hard I tried I could not sleep, in the end I got up when Cam came home from work at 11.30 pm and watched tv with him until about 1.15 am, I suppose I must have gone to sleep at about 1.30 am, just in time for the alarm to go off at 3.30.

One of the reasons that I struggled last night may have been that I decided I needed to start sorting out some cupboards and drawers and I ended up going on a massive trip down memory lane. I found the flowers that were on the top of our wedding cake, the kids christening outfits, the 40th birthday card that Mike bought me, the Me to You bear that says "I miss you" on it which I found that he had put in my bag when I opened it when I was staying away at a hotel for work one night, the copy of The Times for the day that we took over the shop.... so I am not really that suprised that my mind was a little overactive. It was lots of mixed emotion, but many happy memories of twenty two happy years. I have added lots of things to my memory box now.