I expect today to be a difficult one, it's Lights of Love at Willen. It will be the third year that I have gone, but the first time Hannah has been. It is always such a lovely service and even though last year I was really upset because it was so apparent that I would never have another Christmas with Mike, it somehow gave me the push I needed to go home and organise some sort of Christmas for Hannah and Cameron. Up to that point I had decided that I wasn't going to bother with decorations or any of the normal traditions, but it made me think that Christmas isn't going to just go away, however much I wanted it to. I needed to start dealing with it - however tough Christmas is this year it can never be as bad as last year and hopefully will never be as bad again. When I look back I often wonder how the hell we have coped and got through to where we are today.

When I think that we are going to spend Christmas with my Dad and brother and his family this year I think of happy times, when I think of last year sitting the whole of Christmas just holding Mike's hand saying our last goodbyes it just destroys me - moving on is hard but it really does have to happen for everyones sanity. Mike still helps me even now, when I get upset I can hear him saying "what's crying going to solve? cheer up and carry on" x

I have had a couple of quite difficult days. I have started on the mammouth task of writing the Christmas cards. Last year I sent so few, I also could not bring myself to write who presents were from on Christmas labels because I had a gut feeling in the summer that Mike was going to die at Christmas and so wouldn't put his name on them just in case. Over the year I have obviously had to write many birthday cards from just the three of us, but sat writing Christmas cards I found tears rolling down my cheeks. I've beaten myself up about it a bit, remembering when we were first together and cards were written from Mike and Jo and then the kids added to them as our family grew. Now our family is missing such an important and loved person, it's not just the space in the Christmas card where his name should be, it's the void in our lives - I am having a day where I hate cancer, it's taken two of my closest family in the last few years and i'm really thinking why us? what did we ever do that was so bad?

As Christmas is fast approaching and the shops are now full of people and Christmas Carols it makes me realise how we really didn't do Christmas last year. As soon as I realised Mike had started deteriorating rapidly I shopped months in advance and never got involved in the chaos of it all. I sent very few Christmas cards and our decorations at home were very minimal.

This year I haven't been half as organised as I was then. It isn't helped by the fact that Hannah and Cameron don't have a clue what they want and even at 20 and 18 years of age seem to think that it still all magically comes from Santa!

Tomorrow is eleven months since Mike died, not a day goes by that I don't think about him. Time is making things slightly better in as much as I remember the good times and am able to blot out some of the bad now. Initially all my thoughts were of that horrendous illness and specific days and events in that journey - now I remember happy times and fun we had, he was not only my husband, he was my very best friend and I have lots of wonderful memories to keep for ever x x

I can't believe that I haven't blogged for a week. I try to convince myself that the fact that I blog less frequently means that I am beginning to come to terms with everything. The blog was always very much my therapy and my outlet to the big wide world, over the last couple of months I have felt that I have been coping much better and am much more relaxed. I am confident the kids have learnt how to smile again which is a great comfort to me - not a day goes by that we don't have a conversation that involves Mike -It is often when something funny happens that he would have been amused at or when something that is a bit of a challenge happens and I ask him out loud "why did you leave me with this ****?"

I went to the Willen Hospice Memorial Service yesterday. It was a really lovely service, but then Steve Barnes did it so it was always going to be. Steve has such a flair for capturing your attention and everything he said really made you think. I couldn't believe how many people I recongnised, both staff and families that I had come into contact with through Carers, taking Mike to day hospice and during Mike's several in-patient stays - it was really comforting.

I am adding a poem to this blog which was read at the service by a director of Willen, who I actually know as the grandad of the best Saturday girl I ever had at the shop. I don't normally consider myself as sentimental about poems but this really touched a nerve and made sense about the having to let go and move on.

From The Wisdom Trees by Walter A Kortray

I have come out to see the Wisdom Trees,
to see their summer green take fire,
red and gold in the autumn sun.
Too soon, these leaves, this autumn fire, will fall
and turn to crackling ashes at my feet.
Why must they fall so soon?
Lying down on the leaf-littered earth I sleep and dream,
a special dream of tying leaves on wisdom trees. Leaf by
leaf I bind them on with threads of gold and green.
A labour of love , tying leaves to to stop the fall from falling.
A labour of love? no a fool at work!
The trees are wise they know when to let go.
They understand that in the economy of God's creation
part of life must fall away each year,
Silently they accept
and wisely they let the leaves fall.
The dream is over and I heed its lesson,
part of learning life is learning to let go.
To learn the verdict of the seasons
and willingly let the leaves fall...
.. and think of another springtime.

I can't believe that I stayed up until 4.30 am with Cameron to watch the boxing and when the the main fight was about to come on I had to give up and go to bed. I am not convinced that Cam stayed awake to watch it as I had already had to nudge him a couple of times before. I think the other shocking thing is that when I had the shop I would have already done an hours work by the time I went to bed.

Hannah and Cameron have both got to be at work at 10 am today, there is always lots of conflict when they both expect me to get them to opposite sides of the city at the same time. Obviously one of them has to be early, but for them making the decision who is impossible.

I am going to the cemetery today, it looks quite sad at the moment, I am still waiting for the headstone to be fitted. A lot of the plants have died off but it is not worth putting new ones in until the headstone is done. I can still have my chat with him though and tidy it up as much as I can.

I called into the carers group at Willen yesterday to drop off a cheque for the money that Cameron and Adam raised running the Swindon Marathon. I can't believe the reaction of people that I have told that I went there - people seem to think that it is weird that I can, in my eyes it is a pleasant place that helped us get through to where we are today. The experiences that we had with Mike being in hospital at certain times throughout his illness were horrendous and from the first time we went to look around Willen just days after being given the prognosis Mike told me that was where he wanted to die and to never be afraid there, I never have been afraid and neither was he.