I survived my first day at work and i've got Tuesday off! I am glad today is over, i've been a bit anxious about it like it was my first day at school. I suppose it is another milestone on this journey. I have got my rota for the next week and we've been trying to work out the next time that the three of us are going to be together.

I'm awake ridiculously early today considering I have had two late nights in a row. I was out on Friday night at an old customers of mine, drinking coffee and catching up on all the gossip of the town and last night I was at Becci's 21st birthday party. It was really nice to catch up with lots of family that I haven't seen for ages, in fact most of them I hadn't seen since Mike's funeral.

Marie and Neil came over yesterday afternoon, Neil and Cameron put up new curtain tracks for me in the living room and in my bedroom, so we now have curtains and it looks even more homely. Marie's back is still really bad and she struggles sitting down so stands or walks about most of the time. She came with me to the cemetery to water, it's a good job we live so close as the last few days of better weather has meant that I have had to water every day.

I've woken up to thick fog this morning which makes me feel even more thankful that I don't have a newsagents and numerous paper rounds to do.

I don't know where my three weeks off has gone, I suppose I have got lots of jobs done and caught up with lots of sleep, but i'm back to the real world of work on Monday. I am looking forward to it but obviously a bit nervous as well. I am fine until I reflect on the last couple of years and start thinking that it wasn't all supposed to be like this - this wasn't our plan for life. Mike told all three of us when he was ill "live each day like it is your last, you don't know what tomorrow is going to bring", when we are unsure about anything we often remind each other what he said and his "wisdom" gets us through our hurdles in life.

I'm struggling a bit this week. I can't put my finger on why, but am not really suprised that I feel the way that I do. I have had two nights now that I have woken up at 2.30 am and found it nearly impossible to get back to sleep - it is very lonely at that time of the morning and I have re-lived many nightmares over the last couple of nights. I have stayed up later in the evenings in the hope that I will sleep better but it isn't happening.

It will be nine months tomorrow since Mike died, I find it really hard to imagine where that time has gone as many of the events surrounding that horrendous illness are still very vivid in my mind like it was yesterday.

Stamford Bridge

On the pitch

In the dressing room

At the press conference desk

In the Chelsea museum

Cam and the best goalkeeper in the world!

What a team!

Cam with Stamord The Lion

On the train with the monkey that is now in the back of my car

I can't believe that this is my last week before I go back into that big wide world of work. (Typing that has made me remember when Hannah was little she used to think that work was just one place where everybodys daddy went and could never understand why Mike hadn't seen her friends dads when he'd been there all day!)

Cam and I are planning a jolly today. We are going to get the train into London and go for a tour of Stamford Bridge. We have talked about doing it for ages but last night decided that we should stop talking about it and just do it.

I really struggled yesterday. I went to the cemetery and really couldn't settle to anything all day. In the evening I decided to drive down to Reading to stay the night at my dads. I have done lots today, including going to my mums grave which I have been wanting to do for a while - I always have an image of Mike and my mum sat drinking tea in heaven!

I visited our old next door neighbours Jenny and Rod and then went to Jean and Eddies, it was really good catching up with people but I ran out of time to catch up with everyone I wanted to, but thankfully now I haven't got the shop I will able to make trips to Reading more regularly.

I've been struggling a bit this week. Although I am really appreciating having the opportunity to catch up on some sleep and prepare myself for my new job, I am doing a lot of grieving that has caught me a little unaware. It's been a bit of a traumatic week with Cam being 18, he's been the man around here for a while now but his birthday is a milestone. Tomorrow would have been our 21st wedding anniversary, I find it hard to believe that the only way that I can mark that day is to take flowers to his grave - this isn't the way it was meant to be.

I find it difficult to believe that a little over a week ago I was getting up at 3.20 am seven days a week. Today I haven't woken up until six hours after that, I am staying up much later in the evenings though. I can't remember the last time that I spent so much time with Hannah and Cameron, it's not until I look back now that it hits me how awful the last couple of years have been.

I don't know where the time is going, I really must put a day aside to go clothes shopping as my working wardrobe from Newport News was jeans, jumpers and trainers - not very appropriate for my new job.

The Rabbit!

Cam with the Rabbit!

Raving!

The Ravers!

All the family!

Marie and Neil with Cam

I think we can safely say that Cam had a good birthday. He was really pleased with all his presents and seemed to have a good time. It was really good having Nicky, Adam and Jim staying too as although Mike wasn't always being noisy sometimes there is an awful feeling of quietness - we didn't have that this weekend.

Thanks to everyone who joined the search to find a rabbit mould. Christine came up with the goods and delivered it to us on Saturday morning, it was very much appreciated.

Happy 18th Birthday Cam x x

It wasn't really my intention to get up early on my first Saturday off, but Hannah is working today so for the three of us to be together to give Cam his presents it has to be before 7.30 am. I thought Cam would go mad at that idea especially after he didn't finish work until 11 pm last night, but he is fine with it.

There is lots going on today, Jean, Eddie and Gill are coming at lunch time today because they can't come to his party tomorrow. Nicky, Adam and Jim are arriving mid afternoon, together with Hannah they are taking Cam out on his first "legal" drinking session tonight and then they are staying over so they are here for his party tomorrow.

I am sure there will be lots of pictures on the blog over the next couple of days.

I can't believe where this week has gone. I have caught up on lots of sleeping, Christine came for coffee yesterday, i've had my hair cut and dramatically coloured, but other than that I have watched lots of day time tv and spent lots of time doing nothing.

I am looking forward to this weekend, it's my first weekend off in over five years and the timing is really good that it is Cam's 18th tomorrow. I know that Cam has been struggling a bit over the last couple of weeks about the fact that it's his first birthday without his dad and the fact that it's a special birthday too. I find it hard to believe that he is going to be 18 but then on the other hand he has grown up way beyond his years over the past couple of years, and since Mike's death has been a massive support to me and Hannah emotionally and has become like our great protector - sometimes I have to remind him that I am the parent here and I am big enough and ugly enough to look after myself but he has very seriously taken on the role of the man of the house. I am very proud of him and I know that Mike would have been too.

I can't believe that I am awake at this time writing the blog. I can't sleep so decided that I would get up and have a cup of tea, after all I have all day to go back to sleep! My problems with sleeping and waking are very similar to when we first bought the shop, we felt like we were jet-lagged for weeks and that is how I feel now. Yesterday I had lots of plans of things that I wanted to do, nothing exciting just housework and shopping, but I was exhausted so went to bed at 1.45 pm and never woke up until 4 pm - that's probably why I can't sleep now, but I was so exhausted I couldn't carry on.

Hannah has got a couple of days off now so we can shop and sort out Cam's birthday. I bought new plants for the cemetery last week but haven't had a dry day to go and plant them yet so hope that today may be a bit nicer so I can do that too.

What a change of life. I have had an extra four hours in bed and i'm sat on the sofa in my pyjamas writing the blog. Yesterday was a long day and another day that I really missed Mike's support. I had to stay at the shop until the stock take was completed and agreed, by which time the new people had ten members of their family there helping them move in. I felt a mixture of imtimidated and very alone. Although I know I have done the right thing and feel totally relieved that it has all finally happened it was strange walking away from it all.

The positive thing now is that all we have with us in our new home is positive happy memories of Mike (although in my head I regularly vividly relive certain things about that horrendous illness). I am no longer faced with standing in the mark up room remembering when it was Mike and me doing the very early mornings, no longer doing the round that was Mike's round that meant I had to pass the place every morning where Mike had his first fit. We don't have to live in a home where every room had some sort of horrendous memory of his illness, all the time that I lived there since he has gone I have been haunted by the stairs, the paramedics had real difficulty getting him down the stairs to the ambulance when he was very very ill and in the end they had to bump him down on his bum, I just wanted to scream at them to leave him alone, but there was no other option.

I have no plans today apart from going to the bank to take the last couple of days takings. Sometime this week I am going to go shopping to get Cam's birthday present and then I will have food shopping etc to do for his party on Sunday - Hannah and I intend to give him the best possible traditional party he could possibly have. I don't have any hope of finding my rabbit jelly mould so might have to do a quick internet search to sort that out too.

Yesterday was a hectic day finishing off last minute things here. Cam came and helped me with some lifting and moving of stock and last minute cleaning. He helps keep me going, I am so thankful that so many of Mike's qualities live on in both of the kids.

Adam came to stay last night, I am really pleased because Cameron has been a bit quiet over the last few days and hopefully having Adam will lift his mood. We had pizza delivered last night to celebrate the sale of the shop and my new job.

We finally completed on the sale of the business at 5.30 pm yesterday. It was another nightmare day, at 11.00 am the Title Deed had still not been found by the landlord's solicitor and then the earliest appointment that the buyers solicitor had for them to do the last bit of signing was 3.00 pm in Potters Bar. The documents then had to be couriered back to my solicitor who then had to deliver the appropriate ones to the landlords solicitor - the whole day was spent clock watching with a very sick feeling in my stomach. I feel like a massive weight has been lifted off my shoulders now and also quite a sense of achievement that I have managed this whole process alone. I have missed Mike massively over the last few weeks, it is really lonely and hard not having anyone to share your fears and concerns with. Even if it wasn't alright Mike would have been able to reassure me that it was.

Even though I am no longer the owner of the shop the new owners aren't taking over until Sunday so I am working this weekend. The stock take is being done tomorrow afternoon and then it is all over. Obviously I will walk away with very mixed emotions, this shop was our dream, but all our dreams were shattered in June 2006. There are many things that I will miss about the shop, the staff, the customers and the local gossip, but I am looking forward to catching up with five years worth of sleep and having a job that is only five days a week.

I can't beleive that I am still here. After an horrendously stressful day yesterday the landlords solictor has had the documents that we need collected from storage (why this wasn't done weeks ago when it was first requested, nobody knows!) - todays plan is: they email the document to my solicitor, my solicitor will then email it to the buyers solicitor and all being well we would then be able to complete. BUT it is not that simple, the buyers are not able to be here today or tomorrow because of a family commitment so another document will be drawn up so that the completion can take place but then gives me the right to occupy, so I would continue running the business today and tomorrow, we would have a stock take on Sunday and then they take over! - watch this space, I can't actually take much more of it anymore. Together with all of this and the saga surrounding Cameron's birthday I just feel physically sick.

I'm still here..... we came across another obstacle with the landlord's solicitor yesterday, I am not even going to think that it will be sorted today as they are full of promises but never come up with the goods.

On a brighter note I got a letter offering me the job that I went for the interview for last week - I am a mixture of amazed and happy. I can't believe that I only had to go for one interview to get a job and also that once I do finally complete on the sale of the business I can really relax for a couple of weeks without having to think about looking for a job. Meanwhile I am still waiting for newspapers to arrive, still doing a paper round in the rain and still being asked by numerous customers a day "what are you still doing here?" I just need it to all be over now.

I'm still sat at my desk and feeling worse about everything every day. There is one obstacle after the next in everything that I do in my life. I'm not even thinking about today as it looks more likely that it will now be Thursday that we complete. Everything was prepared yesterday and then the buyer's solicitor informed mine that he didn't want it in joint names he just wanted it in the wife's name, so the whole process of getting all the documents ready and in the right place had to start again.

In addition to everything else that is going on I am attempting to organise Cameron's 18th for a week on Sunday. I asked him what he wanted to do and the answer was "nothing outrageous, I just want all my family round" - I have struggled with the idea of him being eighteen for a while, I can vividly remember Mike saying "make sure you do what he wants because I won't be here" - I have tried, but quite a large proprotion of the family can't come because they have other plans. I didn't see Cam to tell him last night and am quite concerned what his reaction will be, I will have to pick my moment today - just something else to add to my already overloaded head.

It's good to see from the comments that people are looking at the blog after seeing the article in the Willen Newsletter. Chrissie's comment just calls for some more praise for Willen and proves that the title of the article is true "you don't just go there to die" - ( Mike was in Willen when it was your anniversary and we did have bubbly and cake. I remember being impressed at the time about all the friends and family that came to celebrate your anniversary in the garden room and the effort that the hospice had made).

The saga continues and I am still sat at my desk at this unearthly hour of the morning. I lost count how many times I spoke to the solicitor and the buyers yesterday - it has been discussed so much now that to me it just seems that there are certain bits of paper that need certain signatures that need to be in certain places at the right time - will that right time be tomorrow? will it be Thursday, nobody knows!

It is pouring with rain and i'm a little less than enthusiastic at the thought of doing the paper round this morning. It is very difficult to have a great deal of enthusiasm now as over the last few weeks I have had to start distancing myself from the business - I am absolutely certain that selling it is the right thing to do, but there are a lot of memories of our dreams here, our dreams that have all been shattered now and I have had to gradually make that distance to protect myself.

I can't take much more of this stress. I didn't sleep very well last night, but I think it was a combination of everything thats going on. I was really tired and Hannah and Cam were having a bit of a row about setting up a system to let the other one know what time they are expected in so the last one can lock the front door. This all came about because Hannah had gone out on Saturday night and left her work shoes on the mat just inside the front door, Cam came home from work after finishing at 11.00 pm, saw the shoes and took it she was home so locked the door. He had just gone to sleep and got a phone call from her asking him to unlock the door, he wasn't happy! - I had no input into their heated conversation about it last night because compared to all that I have already got going on in my head it seemed quite trivial - in the end I shouted at them both and then burst into tears, probably not about the fact that nobody knew whether to lock the door or not, but just a build up of the last few days stress.