I've been to the cemetery a few times over the past few days, trying to make it look a bit more colourful. I am still carrying out Mike's wishes, although sometimes now I wonder how we ever had some of the conversations, I know we talked about some real difficult stuff when he was ill, but it was a case of having to, we knew what was going to happen and I suppose we wanted it to be right. I remember once being upset when we were talking about my future without him and he said that we had spent our lives planning stuff together and this was to be no different, he needed to know that I was going to be ok - I could never imagine a future without him and hated talking about it, even now I find it difficult to imagine that he isn't here to guide and support me anymore.

I have planted lots of colourful plants and have bulbs of his favourite flower growing at home so I can transfer them to there at some stage too. I am never to plant a rose there as he always thought it would look after itself and I could walk away and forget him - how would I ever forget him, but his wish is my command. Funnily I would not make the wedding vow "to obey" I vowed to "chersih him" instead and now I chersish 22 years of memories, 20 of which were wonderful memories and the last two that were a lot more difficult, but still had special moments that I will remember for ever.

I don't know why I feel like this today, but on a more positive note the advertising on the grave has been removed and it looks so much better now. x

I've not blogged for over a week and don't know where the time has gone. I've been a bit busy planning a new business venture. I don't want to tempt fate saying too much about it at the moment but after weeks of careful planning in the last few days it feels that Mike is really looking over us and and helped make things fall into place.

We've had a few health scares with Hannah this week too - a trip to the dr and a trip to the hospital. I hate that place before I even go in it. We had so many bad experiences with Mike there, sometimes when he was ill I wondered whether I was speaking a foreign language to the staff, when I was telling them quite basic things about his needs.

Reading Half Marathon

Cameron and Adam are running the Reading half marathon in aid of Willen Hospice again in March. They managed to raise £1,600 last year and hope to beat that total this year - I appreciate that it is the credit crunch but any donations would be gratefully recieved via
www.justgiving.com/it-runs-in-the-family Willen needs your help to provide the excellent service that it does. Well done lads for signing up to do it again, some serious training might be in order now and that doesn't include lifting pints down the Legion Club. x x

Hannah has had her tattoo in memory of her dad done today - i'm really proud of both of them, although Mike is with us in spirit every day both of them have their dad behind them forever now.

Cameron has had his tattoo done as a lasting tribute to his dad. I am adding photo's - Sero sed serio is the Kerr motto, meaning late but in earnest (Mike and Cam were obviously meant to be Kerr's because it sums them up so well).

The tattoo is even more personal and special because Nicky, my niece did it for him. Mike always really believed in Nicky and when the rest of the family were full of opinions about her "wasting" her art degree by becoming a tattoo artist, Mike was always the one telling her "live your dream, if that's what you want to do then do it - life is too short for regrets"

Yesterday was much more difficult than I imagined it ever would be. Maybe it's because I thought it wasn't going to be a problem it was. I deffinately struggled much more than I did on Boxing Day - I don't know how many times I just burst into tears, maybe it's the fact that it was the last first and it all feels really final. With a new year I now need to sort myself out, get a job and attempt to move on - easier said than done!

Today is the last "first" - Mike's funeral was a year ago today. I don't know whether marking these anniversaries has a positive or negative effect. I suppose there is something positive about the fact that we have survived that last year. Thank you to everyone that has helped us through x x x

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

The fact that I can type a happy new year message shows that I have made some progress - last year we couldn't bring ourselves to say those words because we were all at the point of never thinking that we would be able to smile again. We had spent New Year's Eve choosing the music for Mike's funeral and at midnight had just given each other silent hugs.

Last night we were all out and sent each other text mesages at midnight. We are looking onwards and upwards into 2009, we've got through what has got to be the worst year, I don't always know how, but do know that the three of us have become very close and very supportive of each other.