I am amazed to find that the blog has now had 20,000 hits. I can't believe that it has been read so many times. It has always been theraputic for me and kept everyone informed throughout Mike's illness. I always intended to stop writing it after Mike had died but people kept telling me it had become part of their everyday routine reading the blog so I have continued with it. There is not always a lot of news anymore, I don't write it every day but it has become a bit like a faithful friend that I can say anything to. It never really crosses my mind that anyone can read it when I am pouring my heart out, I have been suprised so many times when I have seen people that I haven't seen for ages and they know all about me and what's going on.

Helen called in yesterday after she had been to the cemetery, we had a cup of tea and a catch up. It is always reassuring to speak to her as she is one person in the world who knows exactly how i'm feeling, her husband died in Willen just days after Mike (and is buried beside him) and she has two teenagers slightly younger than mine. We talked about how everything seems to have become really difficult at nine months, it is good to be able to talk about stuff like that and feel that you're not the only one and you're not going mad. It was good to see you x

After chatting to Alison on Facebook today and her pointing out that I had got a bit lazy with the blog I thought I would make a big effort.

Sandy came round this morning for a cup of tea, apart from the fact that she was very impressed that my mugs matched her top it is always really good to catch up with her. She does a really serious job supporting families like ours prior and post bereavement but has always managed to make me smile. Whenever I speak to Sandy it makes me realise how far we have come in a relatively small amount of time. The three of us have had incredible life changes over the past ten months, with losing Mike, selling the business, moving house and adjusting to a very different life. In a roundabout way she was the brains behind the blog, she suggested that I kept a diary so that I could refer to it and demonstrate to myself that I do manage to cope with the bad times, I just took it a step further and rather than have a secret diary published it to the worldwide web.

I have thought a great deal about writing a book aimed at people in a similar situation to the one we were/are in. I looked in depth and actually bought a few books following Mike's death, but none of them were really that relevant to us - there is a lot out there aimed at losing elderly people, a fair amount about losing a young parent but mostly aimed at when the children are still young, although I appreciate that must be extremely difficult there is very little that relates to dealing with teenagers losing a parent, when being a teenager is difficult enough in itself. I can't see that writing a book would make my millions but is something that I would seriously like to do and it would possibly help to make me feel that I am giving something back.

I cannot let today go by without a happy birthday mention to my mother-in-law, Jean on the blog - I value my life more than telling people which birthday it is though! Have a good day, lots of love Jo, Hannah and Cam x x x

Today is another anniversary - it is ten months today since Mike died. The last ten months or two years for that matter have been an horrendous journey, somedays it seems like it was only yesterday that he died and others it feels like he has been gone for "ever". I vividly remember Sandy from Willen coming a couple of weeks after the funeral and giving me a hug and saying "it will get easier", at that time I could never imagine that it would, but now I feel that the natural process of grieving makes you cope so you don't destroy yourself. I notice things changing and sometimes feel guilty that I am coping and often get concerned about what other people would think of my attitude to some of the things that I do. I often go to the cemetery now and don't cry, I just go to tidy the plants up, water (if it isn't pouring with rain like it is today) and just chat to him about everyday events. Hannah, Cameron and I talk about Mike as part of our every day life with ease, after all he was part of our every day life for so many years, we often laugh at things and say "dad would have thought that was funny"

I miss having someone to tell my every thought, the three of us have become very close but however much we talk I do miss having Mike to share my very inner thoughts with, I never had to tell him if I felt down he would just know and always do his best to make me feel better.

I sometimes look at Hannah and Cameron with an enormous sense of pride, Mike lives on in both of them, Hannah is doing the Christmas recruitment campaign for Toys R Us, he would have been so proud of her. She struggled so much throughout his illness and at times it felt that she was just being awkward and adding stress to everyone else, looking back she just didn't know how to cope and was always resistent to any help that was offered. Cameron has taken on the role of the man of the house with so much maturity, he really looks out for Hannah and me and often sees things from a totally different perspective to us and helps us cope. I'm very proud of you both x x x x

I can't beleive that it is a week since I have blogged. I have felt really unwell with my cold, I feel a bit pathetic about it at times, knowing what Mike went through and how little he complained. I just can't seem to shift my cough that is keeping me awake at night I am then feeling tired and irratable all the time. I have been to the dr today and not suprisingly come away with nothing and been told to drink lots of warm drinks. I didn't tell him that I have been having Jack Daniels in warm milk every night for the last few days.

Hannah is working really long hours at the moment doing the Christmas recruitment for Toys R Us, she is really enjoying it and her dad would be really proud of her now. I have been busy job hunting via the internet today, but am very conscious that I need to find the right job - my ideal job would be an administration role at Willen Hospice, I think it would be really rewarding to work somewhere that you feel really passionate about.

The days of slave labour are over, I have left my job. I really couldn't cope with it anymore, I was getting really upset about the thought of having to go back today so I did what I normally do when I am in a difficult situation - think what Mike would have told me to do - I know that he would have said "tell them what they can do with their job" so I did. I feel a great sense of relief now.

Cameron and Adam did really well at the Swindon Marathon - Yesterday they were looking on the internet at where they could run next, but today all Cam has done is moan about the muscles in his legs, he says they hurt if he moves them and they hurt if he doesn't. His moaning got the better of me and so I went to Boots and got him some gel to rub into his aching muscles. - he has already decided that he will train a bit harder for the next one.

I've had another lousy day at work today - I thought the days of slve labour were over, but I can assure you they are not!

Cameron and Adam are running the Swindon half marathon tomorrow so I will be going down to Reading to collect Cam tomorrow. the original plan was that I was going to have to go to Swindon and kill time when they were running but at least they modified the plan and I don't have to do that anymore. I intend to have a lie in and have a bit of me time in the morning and will drive down after lunch.

I've had a much better day at work today. I have learnt loads of new stuff and feel much more positive about the job today. It doesn't change the fact that the hours are a nightmare and the travelling not good. Hannah has been a great help today, when I came home she had hoovered and dusted and cooked a roast dinner. Thanks Han, I really appreciate it x x x

Thankfully it is my day off today, I can't beleive what hard work my new job is - the hours are horrendous, shifts of at least eleven hours a day with very little breaks and absolutely no time to catch your breath. On top of that I am travelling a total of about 130 miles a week just to get there and back - I am exhausted! I seem to be spending my days off catching up with housework and washing and ironing and then I am back to work again. Don't get me wrong, I have no regrets that I sold the shop, but it's tough when I finish at 10.00pm and then have to travel home and then be back in work for 5.45 am the following day.

Hannah and Cameron are being pretty good at the moment helping out with cooking, we have tried to sort out that whoever is at home in the afternoon is the one that has to cook the dinner, so far so good.

My first week at work has been a long busy one. It will take a while to get used to the shift pattern, but then I am used to odd hours. I am now sat with a very large glass of Baileys and ice to unwind as i've got tomorrow off, I have told Hannah she will have to find her own way to work because I am staying in bed.

We are trying to get into some routine at home, with who cooks which days and who is working when, but it never seems to be simple any more with us all working such odd hours.

I'm not at work until 11am today, but Cam needs to be in for 8 am so I am going to take him.

I had plans for doing absolutely nothing yesterday on my day off, but I spent most of the day doing housework. I have read the kids the riot act - that I do not expect to ever come home from work and find the house in a mess, we have had strict rules since we moved and I expect them to continue.

I am going back on my diet today too, my work blouses are a little bit tighter than I would like them to be. I always planned to start again when I went back to work thinking that I would be able to get into a routine, but the fact that I do earlys and lates may not make it that easy.