Although I am surrounded by people I feel very alone today. I seem to have so many problems that I don't know how to deal with and miss Mike's guidance so much. I used to be able to tell him everything and he'd always have an answer.

I got very upset with Cameron last night. Mike had always told me that I was to have his Ipod when he died, I knew it was in the drawer but I have not touched or moved any of his things yet becasue I find it too painful. Cameron on the other hand has found a lot of comfort from rummaging and he had taken the Ipod and wiped all the songs off it and replaced it with his own music. That Ipod was full of all the tunes that were all our memories, everything that had ever meant anything to us. I can't believe that Cam did it on purpose but the fact that he had it at all I cannot accept, he has his own and there was no reason for him to have that one. I know that most of what he had on there could just be put back but it is the fact that it was Mike's choice and he meant for me to have it has hurt me so much.

The other thing that is really upsetting me is probably best left unsaid on the world wide web but at this stage of the day I see no light at the end of the tunnell at all.

Sandy came and did some memory stuff with the three of us yesterday, we talked about Steve Barnes talking about "if only's" at the funeral and whether we had any if onlys. I don't really have any, Mike and I told each other everything. My only if only today is if only he was here I wouldn't feel so awful.

My emotions were a bit all over the place yesterday. I had a busy day with the business - I spent a long time with the rep from the Daily Mail talking about ways to increase sales and then had the greetings card merchandiser in the afternoon - we are now fully stocked for Valentines, Mother's Day and even have Easter in the stock room ready to swap when Valentines has gone. My mind was kept occupied and I was ok.

My coping didn't last all day though. Cameron has been having a few problems at school and a teacher phoned me about them. She said she appreciates that Cameron has had some grief in his family but it is time he moved on. I don't actually know how I managed to finish the conversation before I burst into tears, why should I be made to feel like a naughty school girl? Has that teacher any idea what Cameron is going through? (It is not that easy to just move on, Mike was a massive part of Cam's life, he wasn't just a weekend dad he was always there for him) - Thankfully Cam had already spoken to Sandy at Willen about the problems he is having and she has organised to go with Cam for a meeting with the teacher on Friday.

Sandy is coming to do some memory stuff with the kids today. We had meetings as a family when Mike was first diagnosed, but Mike was always against doing memory boxes because he always refused to put a lid on his life. He just kept everything that he particularly wanted the kids and me to have in his underwear drawer, which I think is quite funny. Sandy has some very special qualities - however awful I am feeling, and she is probably one of the few people who has seen me at my worst, she manages to make me see light at the end of the tunnel and make me laugh.

Photo's are really affecting me at the moment. It is really odd because initially I found them quite comforting. This morning the picture of Adam and Cameron has made me a bit tearful, I never realised that Cam looked like Mike but the picture had freaked me out a bit today. There is also something really nice about the picture of them with their shirts saying "running for dad" and "running for uncle Mike" I think it so cruel that Hannah and Cam don't have a dad anymore and also the fact that Mike loved Nicky, Adam, James and Imogen like they were his own. I am finding it very difficult to accept that everything happens for a reason today - there was no reason why such a loving generous man should be taken away.

Cam and Adam have sorted their t shirts for their run and have done lots of training this weekend. They are desperate to raise money for Willen so please help them. You can donate on line www.justgiving.com/adamgutteridge

For the first time this morning the picture at the top of the blog has upset me. Sometimes I wonder if it was possible that I loved him too much.

This morning has been quite manic, Nicky and I had a round to do, the papers were massive and seemed to take forever to put together. We came back from the round to find the pavement full of paperboys bikes with no gaps to let customers get to the door. I have told them I don't know how many times how dangerous it is but feel like I am banging my head against a brick wall. I don't know if I am being very intollerant of people or whether people purposely try to wind me up!! (I think I do know the answer, but i'm not suffering fools very well at the moment).

We went to the cemetry yesterday, we had to throw the two hearts of flowers from the kids and me away, but apart from a few dead roses the main flowers still look really good. We put the spring flowers and the cherub there and it looks really nice now.

Cam and Adam went for a run yesterday and intend to go again this morning. They were designing iron on transfers on the computer to go on their t shirts last night. They are having the Willen logo and Cam is having running for dad, Adam's having running for Uncle Mike on the back - I am very proud of both of them for doing it and hope they raise lots of money.

It is one calendar month today - It seems like I have been battling on alone for so much longer, I suppose in a way I have, a lot of the real Mike was lost to the cancer a long time before Boxing Day. For what seems like such a long time now I have run the business and the home on my own, but he was always there, now everything is just so empty.

As Mike always said throughout his illness "business as usual", the window display has been done - Nicky did it yesterday afternoon, I will take pictures and post them on the blog.

I met Clare from Willen for hot chocolate at Starbucks yesterday afternoon, she has managed to convince me that I haven't totally lost my marbles and my feelings are all quite "normal". It was really reassuring to talk to her. - Thanks Clare x

We bought spring bulbs last night to take to the cemetry today, we also found a cherub that had a label around it's neck saying Michael - it must be fate, so we bought that too. We can't have a headstone for ages yet so we are going to try to make it look nice in the meantime.

Adam arrived last night, he is doing the Reading half marathon with Cameron on 2nd March to raise funds for Willen Hospice. Anyone that would like to sponsor them can do so on line at www.justgiving.com/adamgutteridge and there will be sponsor forms in the shop.They intend to run around Willen Lake a few times this weekend as part of their training.

I thought that I was having a slightly better day today. The appointment with the bank manager wasn't quite as daunting as I had imagined it would be. Nicky came back with us to stay for a few days too which will be good - we have already been to Hobbycraft this morning and she is busy designing the Spring shop window.

My better day has just gone pear shaped with the arrival of another letter from Carphone Warehouse addressed to Mike - I rang them again and started the conversation quite calmly, but when they told me they had never been advised of Mike's death I lost the plot - It was so difficult that day, in a crowded shop dealing with a death certificate and staff that so obviously didn't know what they were doing. Companies have no regard at all for anyones feelings, it is all about money. My mission in this company is to treat people as individuals and be thankful for all the custom I get, I know it is different in big concerns, but I am fed up with dealing with these people.

Today is going to be a big milestone. I've got the appointment with the business bank manager, it is something that we would have always done together and now I have to do it alone. It really hurts that we are not a partnership anymore and I am now a sole trader - this business was our dream - I will carry it on as Mike would have wanted me to, although with Mike's illness we only worked together in it for three years we achieved a lot and had a lot of fun doing it. I now have so much more time on my hands I will invest a lot of it in the business and hopefully make it the success that we had always dreamt about in our long term plans that were so unfairly cut short.

I have been really tearful over the last couple of days, I don't really know what I want and what I don't want. There are times when I feel that there is no way out of this grief, and at other times I can be almost positive that I can sort myself out.

Things aren't a great deal better. I try to start each day with set things that I want to achieve and something always seems to crop up that makes me upset and messes up my plans.

I went to the hairdressers to have my hair highlighted yesterday afternoon (my grey stress highlights had got really bad and I could hear Mike in my head telling me to sort them out). I made a conscious decision to have it done on a Monday afternoon because routinely that has been Carers at Willen and I felt that I needed to be doing something with that time.

The final invoice for the funeral arrived, I got upset because it brought it all back, but also for the fact that I think i'm in the wrong business because they obviously make much more money than I do. I must say though that the service they provided from start to finish was excellent, and their proffesionalism made it slightly easier on all of us.

I went to Hobbycraft last night to buy things to do a Valentines shop window, unfortunately I lost the plot a little and can't bear to think about Valentines without Mike. A combination of the fact that he had saved every card I had sent him, and that before we had the shop we used to fly out to Florida on Valentines day. I have vivid memories of staying in a hotel the night before (in a family room with both the kids) with the four of us sitting in bed eating the biggest box of Thorntons you could buy and drinking hot chocolate - even though the kids were with us it still had a lovely romantic feel about it. So I have now decided that I will do a spring window to cover Valentines, Mothers Day and Easter because I struggle with Mothers Day too because that is when my mum died three years ago.

I haven't made any big plans today, because I beat myself up when they go wrong. I have got an appointment in Reading with the business bank manager tomorrow so will focus my energy on that.

I am amazed at how many people are still following the blog, sorry it's not very cheerful lately - I have always written the blog "as it is" and that is what I am continuing to do.

Nothing has changed, the tears continue to flow. Every morning when I sit at the computer I start to cry, my screensaver is a picture of Mike and the kids, it was taken just after we had been given the prognosis but before we had told Hannah and Cam. I refuse to move it because I have had it there for the last eighteen months and really want it there forever.

I had a bit of a lousy evening, Hannah and Cameron both went out and so I was on my own. I know I need to get used to it, but I couldn't stop thinking that this is the time when Mike and I would have been getting our lives back, but instead his has been taken away and I am left in limbo. As everyone returns to their normal lives I don't actually know what normal is. My normal has been caring for Mike 24 hours a day, for what seems like as long as I can remember and now i'm all alone.

The day didn't improve yesterday. We went to Mike's grave, and obviously got upset , but I somehow also feel close to him there. The flowers are still looking really good - i've told Sadie she's a star!

Cameron wanted to go to Ikea last night, I agreed but have lived to regret it. It's the furthest i've driven since hurting my foot and as a result spent the evening feeling physically sick because it was so painful. I slept with it up on a pillow last night and have tried yet another different pair of shoes this morning to see if it is easier, but it's not. It's a bit difficult to be signed off sick when you own the business, but I am beginning to think that it is because I keep using it that it's not getting any better.

I have written a diary to Mike every day, but yesterday I didn't because I had absolutely nothing positive to say and I could hear his voice saying "stop blubbing and sort yourself out" - I have decided that I am going to change the time of day that I write it, I usually do it when I go to bed and I always end up getting upset and then everything is fresh in my mind when I attempt to go to sleep. Maybe I will write earlier in the evening with a big glass of Baileys.

I thought I was having a slighlty better day, but how wrong could I be? When I first got up this morning which was at 2.30 am, because I couldn't sleep because my foot hurts so much and once I was awake my head filled with memories, I had loads to do with papers, bills and wages which kept me busy and I seemed to be ok.

I had an appointment with the dr this morning, not because I am ill, but I needed some death certificates coutersigned as true copies, I thought I was prepared for it, but as I walked in the dr said "and how are you coping Mrs Kerr" and the floodgates opened! I then came back to find that in the post there was a letter from Carphone Warehouse addressed to Mike, advising him that his direct debit had been cancelled - I spent an hour and half in their shop last week sorting the account and letting them take copies of the death certificate to prevent things coming in his name - am I intollerant or is the world insensitive??

I haven't been able to get my head around anything this morning and have sat at my desk and cried for so long thinking why me? that now that I am going to give up with admin and go upstairs and have a cup of coffee instead.

Yesterday was another difficult day. Gill came in the afternoon and she said that she is finding this week much more difficult too, I take a little comfort from that because I was beginning to think that I was going mad.

I find myself avoiding doing things because I know they will upset me, and when I do things that I think won't affect me I end up in floods of tears. Cameron has obviously inherited some of Mike's sensitivity - he was in the kitchen while I was doing dinner last night and without being asked he got the plates out so I didn't have to go through the process of "there used to be four of us!".

Some of the things I am doing I think are a little weird, but at the moment I feel that if anything helps I have to go with it. I have started sleeping on Mike's side of the bed, that way when I wake up I am not looking at an empty space where he should be.

I eventually got all of the disability equipment collected yesterday. Pete rang them on 27th December to ask for it to be done, looking at it all was really distressing so I rang them again yesterday to be told that they had never been advised that I wanted it collected - I lost the plot somewhat and it was collected within a couple of hours.

With Mike's illness we learnt to live a month at a time, then a week at a time, then a day at a time - nothing has changed, I find I can't plan to do anything as I really don't know how I am going to feel from one hour to the next.

I always knew that it was going to be awful without Mike, but I am really amazed at the things that upset me the most. I can't get used to putting three plates out for dinner instead of four, I really struggle with food shopping when I see things that Mike would have liked, this is made worse by the fact that at times during his illness when his appetite was poor I used to make a big effort to find different things that he might like that I could tempt him with - those things seem to jump off the shelf at me in Tesco now saying "Mike liked me".

The new cheque book arrived yesterday with just my name on it, so I had a good cry about that too. I am fed up with form filling and deffinately looking for an alternative word to widow - I shouldn't be a widow at 41.

Hannah and Cameron are being really good at the moment, although sometimes there is a bit of friction - we have all lost the same person that we loved so much, but we are all grieving differently.

I was due to go to Reading for a meeting with the business bank manager today, but I hurt my foot on Saturday and ended up at A & E with it on Monday night (after a lot of pressure from Cameron, saying that he's only got one parent now and he needs to look after that one). I have damaged the ligaments and am not able to drive that distance so have had to postpone my appointment.

I went to Willen for my one return visit to carers on Monday. It was strange but a nice afternoon - I still came away from there feeling that I am not alone.

It's a week since the funeral and this week has been really difficult. I have had much more time for reality to sink in and to realise that there is now only three of us (although everyday we know that Mike is watching us and often comment about things he would say in certain situations).

I have set myself three tasks a day, some have been more difficult than others, things like changing names at the bank, building society, mobile phone company and the numerous things that need to change for the business. I have come across a wide range of people with varying attitudes to death - When trying to sort the phones out I was greeted with "i've never dealt with a death before" (lucky them!!) and after waiting fifty five minutes after my appointment time at the building society all they did was remove Mike's name from the computer and scribbled it out of the book with a pen (really diplomatic!)

We went to Reading on Wednesday, Cam wanted to go to the cemetry to my mums grave to ask her to look after his dad - it was a difficult day but I thought it was a really lovely idea of Cam's and felt it was important for him to do it if he needed to.

Hannah went back to work on Monday - to a bit of a nightmare, although between Willen and us we have kept them informed all the time about what was going on, they hadn't told anyone that Mike had died and she went back to people asking her "how's your dad?" - the last thing she needed.

Cameron went back to school yesterday and restarted his driving lessons too. He has been coming with me for moral support to all the appointments I have had to sort things out, and we decided that it was better for him to not go back at the beginning of the week when everyone was still doing the "did you have a nice Christmas" stuff, when in fact ours was awful.

Jean and Eddie came yesterday, they are going back to America on Monday - It is really important that they go back and everyone has a chance to grieve properly but I found it really difficult yesterday, I seem to spend all my time lately saying goodbye to people I love.

I don't know what to say apart from thank you. I was overwhelmed by the amount of people that came to celebrate Mike's life yesterday. I can't thank Steve Barnes (chaplain) enough, he made the service so personal and so perfect, at the end of the afternoon at the Swan he gave Hannah, Cameron and me a group hug and told us how proud Mike was of us and that for Mike we must now continue living. Yesterday that seemed like it was going to be possible today everything seems so much more difficult. It is all very real, I went to the cemetry today and told him how many people had come yesterday and what a "nice" day it had been.

Some people at the back of the church had said that they had not heard everything that Emma and Pete had said so I have added it to todays blog.

Remembering Mike – by Emma McDonnell


Mike will be deeply gratified to see so many of you here today - I see faces from all areas of this remarkable man's life, and believe that it is a testimony to a wonderful man that you are all here to celebrate the life of Mike Kerr. And a celebration this must be, for Mike was a man who celebrated life and has left a legacy filled with happy memories and laughter.

Mike and I had talked about this day, as he had with Jo and the family, and most of what happens today is as per his wishes. To that end, I need to let you know that he banned the poem 'All Is Well' as it runs - Death is nothing at all, I have only slipped into the next room' - a lovely poem, but it is the second line that Mike has taken exception to, on the grounds that he is NOT in the next room, he is in this one, and more than that, he is watching!

In the eleven years that I have known Mike he was my friend, my advisor, my conscience and, on occasion, my tormentor. We all knew him for his wit, his ability to charm and make anyone laugh, his lack of respect for authority and his total dedication to living life his way, whatever the consequences. But there was so much more to Mike than that happy, uplifting character he displayed with such constancy. So it is now my privilege to share some of the other aspects of the man that was Mike.

For all of his attempts to disguise it, Mike was an extremely knowledgeable, intelligent and insightful man. When we worked together he was a mentor to many, and never ceased to amaze with his ability to guide, influence and coach the people and businesses that he came into contact with. His ability to inspire trust in people was striking, and he could achieve this privileged status within minutes - he came out of most interviews with the words 'you won't BELIEVE this' but always treated those that he dealt with with respect and integrity, qualities that can be in short supply in business. He was a constant joy to be around, and could be relied on to save any tricky situation, be it a sobbing colleague, a difficult client or a terrible faux pas with his nimble, incisive view of the situation - within seconds a crisis was diverted with laughter. I understand from Jo that this ability also thrives in Cameron so more power to you.

His decision to leave our business and Reading and move here, to Newport Pagnell, was one that was driven by one main desire - to spend more time with his family. Whilst he also wanted to own his own business, and in turn, destiny, the love that he has for Jo, Hannah and Cameron was all that really mattered, and in the end he and the family made what appeared to the rest of us to be a dramatic and challenging life change seem to be nothing more than common sense and, in many ways, aspirational. It made him happy. 'Downshifting' is not an appropriate term for this move, as he and Jo dedicated themselves to the role of newsagents to Newport Pagnell with total commitment and passion. Insanely early mornings to prepare the round were coupled with a truly dedicated approach to window dressing - many calls were received to say 'you must come and see my Easter window!' He adored this work as it combined both his creativity and his love of people - everyone who came into the shop was an opportunity for a chat, not just another customer. But most importantly for Mike, coming here gave him what he had always wanted - quality time with the family he loved above anything else. That he lived for you, Jo, Hannah and Cameron, goes without question.

Eddie and Jean, Mike's parents, raised an exceptional man, however there is little doubt in my mind that it posed its challenges alongside its triumphs! He loved his trips to Florida to be with you and anyone who knew him knows the respect and love that he had for you both. To lose a son so early will mean unprecedented pain and grief, but please take some comfort that the life you gave to the world in turn gave a great deal to the world - his legacy of positivity will live on. He was so proud of Karen and Gill, sharing their achievements as if they were his own. You would be surprised how much people you have yet to meet already know about you, and it is all good. It has been in discussion with the family that now leads me to what we feel to be the central elements of Mike's character. Firstly, his compassion. Mike was a man who hated the evils and unhappiness of this world, who would champion the underdog time and time again, and whose heart knew no bounds when it came to caring for other people - it truly didn't matter who you were, if you needed help, he would give it. His work as a volunteer for the Samaritans almost summed this up, however this attitude also extended past humans to animals (save the odd terrapin) - only 2 months ago he was exhorting the family to arms in aid of an under-fed hedgehog in the garden. The hedgehog is fine.

And now to Mike's bravery. This leads me on to the subject that I have thus far avoided - his illness. No-one deserves to be stricken with cancer as Mike was, but I am compelled to say that I for one struggle to think of anyone who deserved it less. His demands from life were simple, family and love, and to be struck by this tumor when he had achieved what he wanted is nothing short of cruel. But he never once said that, he never cried 'why me, why not him?', choosing instead to react with positivity, belief, and as always, humour. He set an example to us all. And he beat the odds - his spirit fought on and won us all an extra year with him. He was amazing. Jo played a central role in this fight - her incredible bravery bears mention too and has been nothing short of an inspiration. The strength that she has shown during the last 18 months has been staggering and she has done Mike proud. Her devotion and care was unstinting, whilst keeping the business going, as well as the daily updates on the blog, to which many of us clung to for news. I know how deeply she has appreciated the help and support she has received from the family and everyone at Newport News, who gave time and so much more. Hannah and Cameron, you were the lights of his life and you fuelled his spirit.
And now to Willen Hospice. It is almost impossible to suitably describe the good that they do, so I have taken Jo's words:

'A massive thank-you goes to Willen Hospice. I would like people to be aware of the amazing work they do. I really wish that I could do something to promote the fact that they give you so much support in life and that the hospice is not a morbid place at all. It is the one place in the world that you can talk about how you really feel, and people really know how you feel because they are all going through it too'.

This is an organisation that is almost entirely charitably funded. The family would also like me to thank Steve the chaplain, as he has offered comfort over and above the call of duty.
There is so much more that I could go on to say about you, Mike - your ability to remember the smallest detail of anybody's life, your love of music, flowers, cats and dogs, the way you would try and win an argument by quoting song lyrics, your wink, your smile. But now we have to say good-bye, dear friend, and thank-you for everything that you gave us. Go gently.




He wasn’t just Mike he was our dad - Hannah and Cameron's memories read by their uncle, Peter Denton

Everyone here today will have special memories of Mike, but we were lucky enough to have had him as our dad.

We have so many happy memories. Throughout dad’s illness and in the past week since he has died so many people have sent messages about their memories of his cheeky smile and about the mischief that he used to get into. Many of the messages were about when he was young, but the mischief continued.

He was a fun dad, we always knew that he was in charge and exactly how far we could push him but he was always fair and willing to listen to our side of the story. We have always counted ourselves lucky that mum and dad were so happily married and that we were brought up in a secure happy home. Dad taught us to love and be loved in return. He had a really inappropriate sense of humour at times and mum often commented that it was like having three children and used to despair about how she was ever going to teach us right from wrong with him behaving so badly.

Dad was very keen on freedom of speech, he always encouraged us to say what we were thinking, and often even if we didn’t say it he knew what we were thinking any way.

Hannah has vivid memories of when Cameron was born, every Saturday dad would take me into town to get away from mum and the baby. We had very special times, we would often go and have breakfast out, and I would always be told “don’t tell mum, and make sure you eat your lunch or she’ll tell me off” every week he would buy me a print of a Winnie the Pooh character, they cost just pennies but the memories that went with buying them are worth a fortune to me.
Memories of holidays in Swanage will be with us forever, we have memories of both dad and grandma there, two very special people in our lives at a special place where we have shared so many happy holidays. The tradition of grandma breaking a deckchair, Cameron knowing the words of Punch and Judy all the way through, our walks along the sea front with dad looking for shells with the waves splashing at our feet. And how can we forget how Market Day man used to get on dads nerves so much and he’d say “does he ever shut up?”


Cameron remembers when he was six he fell off the monkey bars and broke his arm in four places, mum rang dad to tell him that she was at the hospital with me, he arrived there really quickly after obviously breaking every speed limit possible. He looked at my arm and said “it doesn’t look bad” mum pointed out that he was looking at the wrong arm, when he looked at the broken one a nurse had to get him a chair before he fainted. He always told me he had only done it to try to cheer me up and make me feel that it wasn’t so bad, but I’m not so sure.

Dad’s illness changed him a lot. All of our lives had to adapt to the ever changing symptoms and to deal with the extra care that he needed. We will always have so much respect for the way that dad dealt with that terrible disease. He insisted that he would be the one to tell us that he was ill and what the eventual outcome would be, it is not until now that we can fully appreciate how difficult that must have been for him. He told us that he would fight to the end for us and he did.

We have his blood running in our veins and if we have inherited any of his kind, thoughtful, loving and generous ways then that will make us even prouder that he was our dad.