I can't cope with this clock changing still. I couldn't sleep yesterday afternoon when I went for my normal sleep and then couldn't sleep when I went to bed last night. Needless to say I am finding it very difficult to keep my eyes open this morning. It was very nice being light later last night though.

I've got two rounds to do this morning and think I need to do a bit of recruiting for one of them because I can't stand being messed about, or my customers being messed about anymore.

It's the end of the month so more admin awaits today, all the companies need invoicing and probably most of them need a letter reminding them that they still haven't paid last months.

I don't really know what time it is, this changing of the clocks is pretty confusing when you get up as early as I do. The newspaper wholesalers don't change their clocks until their shift is finished, so they are running in old time and we are running in new time so we haven't really got a clue when our second delivery of papers will arrive. I have chuckled to myself that my office clock is right for the first time in six months this morning, I never bothered changing it when the clocks changed in October and have always been aware that it's an hour fast - I will have to keep reminding myself that I haven't got an extra hour to spare all the time now.

Gill is coming over when we close today, it will be good to catch up. She will notice a big difference in Jasmine since she saw her last, she is gettting much bigger.

I had a better day yesterday. I kept myself busy for the early part of the morning and then even managed to go to bed and sleep for three hours.

I got weighed and it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I lost 5 1/2 lb, that means i'm only 1/2lb off of two stone. I've also lost 15 inches - I am about to go into jeans 3 sizes smaller!

We went food shopping last night and I could even cope with seeing Cathedral City Cheese - I used to get really upset in the supermarket because I used to buy it for Mike and he would often just sit and munch on a big wedge of it in the evenings.

I have stapled a note in big red type onto all the paper boys wage envelopes reminding them to change their clocks before they go to bed tonight - no excuses for lateness tomorrow morning! If I have to lose an hour in bed and get up at what would be the equivalent of 2.30 am, then so should everybody else.

Fridays are a busy day for me, producing the paper bills and doing the wages, I am hoping that it keeps me occupied and a bit more focussed today. I have had a dreadful week of not being able to settle to do anything. Cam is struggling at the moment too, but thankfully he does talk about how he's feeling now and we got a lot of our feelings out in the open last night. I am a bit concerned that he feels that Sandy was his safety net and now he hasn't got that he is on his own, which he obviously isn't, but at least I can empathise with that awful feeling of loneliness.

Helen called in yesterday - she keeps me sane, it is so reassuring to know that she feels how I do. I am not going mad after all.

Today is weigh day - i'm not looking forward to it, I have really struggled with the diet over the last few days too.

As expected yesterday was a difficult day. I don't know whether I struggled so much because I am really in disbelief that three months have passed, or that saying goodbye to Sandy was a difficult thing to do. I think there are some similarities between the two - I used to be able to tell Mike everything and what I didn't tell him he somehow knew anyway, and Sandy was the same - we developed a relationship over time that I could tell her exactly what I was feeling and when I wasn't being totally honest with myself she used to prompt me to open up and face what I really thought.

I will try the "business as usual" plan again today. I wasn't particularly good at it yesterday - it was the first time in a long time that I have had to go out of the shop in tears. Sandy said yesterday that we have all really progressed since Christmas, I can see that in both Hannah and Cameron, but don't see it in myself very much.

I have sat and pondered a while before writing the blog today. I have always written exactly what is going on and how I am feeling. The problem at the moment is I don't actually know how I am feeling and sometimes wonder if I am being honest with myself.

It is three months today since Mike died, sometimes it seems like yesterday and sometimes it seems like forever. I have made a massive effort to keep things going, and believe me sometimes it has been an effort to get out of bed to face the world in the mornings. As time goes on I think that people have an expectation of you to be "getting over it" - losing the person you loved so much and had so many plans to spend the rest of your life with isn't something you just get over like a common cold.

I try so hard to think of the future, but a future without Mike is incredibly difficult to imagine. I do try to not think about "what might have been" because in a way it is just like beating myself up - nothing can change what happened and therefore I have to deal with it as best I can. At the moment I am not dealing with it at all.

Sandy from Willen is coming today for her last visit, I suppose that is the end of another era. We can't thank her enough though for getting the three of us through so much rubbish.

I will get through today by thinking of Mike saying to me when we were first given the prognosis "it's got to be business as usual no matter what!"

I'm really pleased the bank holiday is over. I used to really love bank holidays and having all that extra time but I have really struggled this weekend. I will be glad that we will be back to some sort of "normality" today.

I have also not been good on my diet, I had decided that I was going to have Sunday off but have struggled with getting back to it properly. I think part of the problem is that I need to go food shopping and didn't really have anything appropriate to eat in the fridge. - no excuses, I will be shopping today!

Imogen

Pretty!!!

The axe isn't real!

Hannah and Princess Imogen

Hannah and James

Hannah and James

James

We had a really nice day at Karen and Ian's. It was lovely to have lunch cooked for us and to catch up with everyone. (both Hannah and Cameron were really impressed with the roast potatoes Ian, if you didn't notice by the empty plates!) Thanks for having us x x

I have added lots of pictures, the original idea was to take some pictures for Jean and Eddie of their four grandchildren together, but as you will see they are not all that serious. (There are los of pictures, you need to click on older posts to go into the second page).

As forecast the snow started at 5.45 am when I was out delivering papers. I hope it stops soon as I don't want it to mess with the plans of going to Karen and Ians.

I'm really proud of Hannah, she has been given full time hours at work now (which she has been trying to get for ages) and is being trained to be a supervisor. I know she really struggled with work at times when Mike was ill - well done for sticking at it (Dad would have been so proud of you too x).

I hope Hannah and Cam aren't too disappointed today. Mike used to always buy their Easter eggs and for years has bought them the big Kinder egg. They specially requested that I continue to buy the dame one. I have been searching all the shops, and wholesalers for weeks and can't get it, they appear to have discontinued it. I have got an alternative obviously, but feel a bit cheated that it is another tradition that they have had taken away from them.

Yesterday proved to be a succesful day - It was Farmer's Market in the town which always makes it busy and now that the car park has re-opened it had a big effect on us. We sold out of Easter eggs which is a bit of a relief too. Thanks Ingrid for working with me.

It was reassuring to read Helen's comment, I sometimes think that I am going mad and will never get my head around what has happened. I am glad she feels the same about dads and families - I sometimes find public places full of "happy" families really difficult.

We went to the cemetery yesterday and planted some pansies and daffodils. Mike always loved pretty plants and I intend to always keep his grave alive with colour. His love of nature and plants was what prompted his choice of "All things bright and beautiful" being one of the hymns at his funeral. I miss him so much.

I woke up this morning thinking that today had be a better day than yesterday, but already I am not so sure. Yesterday was a nightmare - The Daily Mail didn't arrive until 7.10 am (at least rwo hours later than normal). In the end I had to let the big commercial rounds go out and then re-run the rounds myself filling in all the Mails - The Mail is our biggest selling paper and it was a bit of a mammouth task. This morning I have got up and there are already two messages on the answerphone from paper boys that supposedly aren't well.

I had the worst evening I had in a long time, I just couldn't get my head around the situation at all. I don't know if it was because it is the start of a bank holiday (not for me) and everyone talks about having a break and spending time with their families, this would have been a rare time that Mike and I would have had time off together in the afternoons, the thought of having that time off alone just upset me. Hannah is working extra hours today, tomorrow and Monday but is off on Sunday when the three of us are going to Karen and Ian's, we are all looking forward to that.

My theory of being able to go ages without sleep went out of the window yesterday because I went back to bed again and slept for three hours. I must admit I haven't been sleeping well at night though and so I have needed to catch up.

My car is being serviced today, which is long overdue - I imagined that I had probably had it nearly a year, when I looked at the paperwork I have actually had it 17 months - it still feels like a new car to me.

Today promises to be chaotic, days before bank holidays always are when people suddenly remember they are going away and haven't cancelled their papers. We do normally ask for five days notice for holiday stops but no one really listens to us.

I caught up on some much needed sleep yesterday. I seem to be able to go for ages without having a sleep in the day now, but yesterday I went to bed and slept for four hours. It did make me feel a bit better as I had had a night of worrying about everything the night before with very little sleep.

I went shopping on my own for the first time last night. Hannah had intended to come with me but was asked to do a couple of hours extra at work so I went on my own. It was very weird but something else that I needed to do, I can't expect the kids to have to come with me forever.

We have had a letter to say that they are going to start digging the road up outside our shop today - do they want to cause any more chaos? The car park still isn't finished and there is already road works outside Sadie's shop - I worry that people just won't bother coming to this end of the town soon.

My dad and uncle came yesterday morning, it was really good to see them. When I rang my dad in the evening he said he would have liked to have gone to the cemetery as he often wonders where it is and what it's like. I told him he should have asked when he was here - I forget that although so many people came to the funeral only the nine of us went to the grave and just presume that everyone knows where it is.

In the afternoon I went to Willen with the proceeds from our coffee morning and called into carers group for tea (and no cake!). It was really nice to catch up with everyone, and I think it had quite a good affect on me. Although where I am at the moment is very difficult it made me remember how really difficult it was when Mike was ill, both emotionally and physically, and I take comfort from knowing that Mike is at peace now even if i'm not. I saw Ros, one of the nurses - she was the first nurse we ever met when Mike had his first in-patient stay, she welcomed us and made us feel very comfortable with Willen. Every time I saw her in the hospice from that day she gave me a big hug, and yesterday was no different. Thanks Ros x

Yesterdays papers turned into a nightmare. The Mail on Sunday didn't arrive until 7.10 am, after the majority of the paper boys were already here. When it did arrive it wasn't poly bagged and needed the supplements putting in. - chaos ruled, but we got it done, with only a couple of "where's my papers?" phone calls.

My dad and uncle are coming today. I did all the housework yesterday afternoon to find that when I got up this morning both of the kids have been cooking and it is all over the kitchen. Therefore, I shouted at them both at 3.45 am - if they can't play the game, I don't care what the time is!

Karen phoned last night, we are going to go up and see them on Sunday. It will be really good to catch up with them, we were trying to work out how long it is since we have seen James and Imogen and think it was probably a bit before Mike went into Willen last September - so will probably notice a big difference in them.

Yesterday was another busy day in the shop - I shouldn't complain because lots going on in the shop means lots of money in the tills. We also still had customers coming in yesterday apologising for not being able to get to the coffee morning but giving donations to Willen, so the amount raised is still rising.

Gill came over yesterday afternoon, it was good to see her and actually made me stop working and sit down for a coffee and a catch up. Jasmine got very jealous that she wasn't the total centre of attention and wouldn't leave Gill alone.

This morning is miserable, it is pouring with rain and even the first lot of papers is already late - things can only get better.

Yesterday's coffee morning was a great success. It was busy most of the time and we raised £465.12 Thankyou to everyone who made cakes and donated raffle prizes and a special thank you to Marie and Ingrid who both done much more than their normal working hours and normal jobs yesterday. Hannah also needs a massive pat on the back, she was constantly busy making all the coffee and tea and doing all the washing up in between. Steve Barnes (the Chaplain from Willen) and his wife came for coffee which was a lovely suprise, it was great to see him - the last time i'd seen him was when he did Mike's service and it was nice to be able to just have a chat like we did so many times when Mike was in the hospice.

Another success for the day was I have lost another 5lb this week. My willpower was tested yesterday with the smell of cakes but I managed to get through it and just had black coffee and water - I don't think I have ever been so disciplined on a diet before.....

Cameron is supposed to be helping me with the round this morning but I have just looked in his bedroom and he's not there, so I went in the living room to find him asleep on one sofa and a stranger (well not really a stranger, he's one of Cam's friends) asleep on the other. I may have to not shout quite so loudly when i'm trying to wake him up this morning.

Today promises to be another busy day. I managed to get most of my Friday jobs done yesterday so at least I will have a bit of time for the coffee morning. I'm going to miss Jean and Eddie today, they have been the loyal coffee makers and done constant washing up at the last three coffee mornings, I also had a thought about how I might feel today because whenever I have done a coffee morning before Mike was always still here and just upstairs in bed, people always asked how he was, the conversation will be different today obviously and I hope I can cope with it. Hannah is off today and she's going to help with the coffee although we did run out of time for cake making.

Don't forget if you are around today drop in for coffee and cakes, this is my ultimate challenge in many ways - homemade cakes and I can't eat them. I have to go for my weigh in at 10.15 am too.

Jasmine didn't like the vets yesterday, they tried three times to give her the injection and she struggled so much that in the end she picked her up and took her out to get someone to hold her down so she could do it. She's fine now and sleeping like a baby.

I kept myself busy yesterday in an effort to keep my head above water. This latest phase of intense sadness has taken me by suprise a bit. I had started to feel like I was steadily plodding along and getting by with everything that was happening, but the last few days I have felt like i'm in a bit of a black hole again. Sometimes it just feels that everything is on my shoulders - the buck stops here! we used to share our every thought and obviously everything to do with the business was shared, but just lately I seem to have to make decisions constantly. I suppose the thing that is hardest is if ever I was upset before Mike would have been the one to comfort me but now I have no one. The kids are good but they are obviously still struggling too, we try to help each other as best we can but it is extremely difficult.

I am expecting the papers to be late today following the budget and am keeping my fingers crossed that Smiths News have got my order right as I need to deliver masses of them to the hotels that we cover. I still have two rounds to cover myself too, the only thing that keeps me going with that is the thought of the calories I am burning going up and down peoples drives.

I intended to bake cakes today for tomorrows coffee morning but at this moment in time I don't quite know when I will fit that in. I intend to do a lot of the normal Friday jobs today so that I am around tomorrow and Jasmine has to have another injection this afternoon too.

I had a bad day yesterday. I had a very vivid dream about Mike, I could hear him and almost touch him, then obviously I woke up and he wasn't there. I tried really hard to fight the tears all day but when I went to bed last night couldn't control myself and this morning my eyes are very sore.

Julie, my cousin came yesterday which was good, I hadn't seen her since the funeral and we did lots of catching up. The rest of the day I kept myself busy in the shop to try and keep my mind off of everything.

I already have two paper boys off sick that I know of and it is only 4.20 am, so looks like we are in for another good day today.

Thankfully it is better weather for delivering papers today. I only had one phone in sick yesterday but have already had a different one phone in this morning.

My cousin is coming over today to see Jasmine (and me), she said she would bring cakes, but I have told her they are banned. Talking about cakes it is our coffee morning on Friday and there will be lots of homemade cakes there, it's on from10am-2pm so if you are local please drop in, all proceeds are for Willen Hospice.

So much for my sleep yesterday afternoon - I went to bed and couldn't sleep. I had done loads in the morning so thought I would be exhausted but obviously not, so I got up and cooked myself some fancy pork recipe out of my new sure slim cookery book.

In the evening I phoned Amanda and caught up with months of gossip. When I told Hannah I was going to phone her, Hannah said "i'll see you in the morning then" - anyone would think we have a reputation for chatting for a long time!

Cam went out for his weekly Sunday curry with all his mates (as much as you can eat for £7.50) - i'm sure the poor restaurant didn't expect that crowd with their appetites to go every Sunday night when they started that offer.

We were prepared for the wind and rain this morning - Cam told me not to park around the back because the fence post was moving rather a lot yesterday afternoon, and we put the awnings up on the front of the shop so they didn't get caught by the gale. I've been out and done two paper rounds and the biggest problem I have had apart from being drenched by the rain and trying to keep newspapers dry and in one piece, whilst folding them to put through letter boxes, is the fact that today is bin day and there are bags of recycling blown everywhere. I had to get out of the car three times to move rubbish out of the road so I could get past. I am now waiting for the phone to ring to see how many of my paper boys are light weights and won't brave the storm!

Yesterday was another stupidly busy day, i'm relieved that it is Sunday and we close at lunch time - I am going to adopt Mike's old rule of once the shop door is closed we are at home and we don't think or talk about business - it is much easier said than done but I do need to switch off at some point. I intend to sleep this afternoon and I think Cam has plans for us going to the gym later, I really must start going, we talk about it a lot but don't seem to get there very often.

I got up extra early this morning because I know I have got a lot of delivering to do, but half the papers have still not arrived and so i'm behind anyway.

Hannah is back to work today after a week off and has already been offered lots of extra hours. I would just like to say that Hannah has been back to the Hannah that we all know and love last week - long may it last! x x

I had another stupidly busy day again yesterday - I really wonder how I ever coped when Mike was ill with fitting everything into a day. I do think that part of the reason that I am working and being so much involved in the shop is that it is an escape from reality - if i'm at home it's quiet and empty a lot of the time.

I ordered Mike's headstone etc yesterday, it won't be done until November because it is a long drawn out process, the stone has to be imported before they even start and the advice is that they don't think you should have a full gravestone laid less than ten months after the burial (I agree that if I am paying all that money, I wouldn't want it to sink within a few months). We are having "gone from our home but not from our hearts" on it - we think that sums up exactly how it is.

Cameron got the results of his science re-sits yesterday and he got 2 c's. I am really proud of him for that, he took the exam just a couple of weeks after Mike died and having not been at school for a lot of the lessons in the weeks before as Mike's health was deteriorating.

I lost another 5 lb this week - that's 17 lb in two weeks, not a bad start.

I had another busy day yesterday, but I had recharged my batteries by having my long sleep the night before so was able to handle it much better.

I have got someone coming to discuss the headstone that we want to today, the kids and I have given it a great deal of thought and are all in agreement to what we want (we also know what we are not allowed to have because Mike was very specific about that!) - we can't have it put up for a few months yet because the grave still needs to settle, but at least if it is ordered when the time comes it will be ready to go.

Today is weigh-in day, I don't know how i've done, but I have been very good.

Sandy came yesterday, her next visit will be her last. I can't thank her enough for the massive support that she has given us. x

I tried to catch up on some sleep last night. I went to bed at 6.45 pm and was still woken by the alarm at 3.30 am. I do feel a bit better for it this morning although I hate wasting my evening sleeping. I do need to sort out my time management because it is not managed at all at the moment.

Auntie Pat and Uncle Cyril came yesterday. They had been to the garden centre and bought one of Mike's favourite flowers, I took it to the cemetery yesterday afternoon - I am so pleased we have got one, it looks just like the one that I put on the order of service, thank you x x

I've got two paper rounds to do again this morning, it seems like as soon as one boy comes back another one is off ill - roll on summer!

I had a stupidly busy day yesterday and was on the go from 3.30 am - 6. 00 pm, I didn't really stop very long for breakfast and lunch either, which is what I promised myself I would do with my diet.

I did two paper rounds in the morning then came back and organised the banking and the charging of the rounds. I wrote a list and went to Luton to the wholesaler, came back unloaded the car and then sorted the post. I went to collect some outstanding money from a hotel on my way to Staples to get some stationary, as it was on the way I decided that I would call in at the cemetery and say hello to Mike. I had a really weird experience there - a family came over and started chatting, firstly about the flowers etc, and then about the fact that Mike was so young, they asked "was it an accident?" "were you expecting it?" "how long was he ill?" "have you got children?" - I thought that the cemetery was the one place I could go and be allowed to be upset without anyone saying anything inappropriate to me, maybe i'm wrong? - I did laugh to myself about it later, it just seems that nothing in my life ever goes to plan.

I am hoping for a slightly quieter day today, although I have already done two paper rounds and just been given the news that I will be doing both of the big rounds (amounting to about 85 houses and 15 miles) at the weekend if I can't get it covered. - looking at the positive, think of the calories I will burn going up and down people's drives.

I had quite a positive day yesterday and stupidly thought that things were improving a bit, but I was wrong - i've sat and my desk and just can't reason with anything this morning.

Cameron's thighs are aching from his run and he used the fact that he had run thirteen miles as his get out of everything excuse yesterday. I have got up this morning and the living room looks and smells like he had a party last night and I am not happy with him. I knew he was having a couple of friends round and I told him the rules before I went to bed, all the rules have been broken so it won't be happening again. I am also not impressed that they didn't go home until 1.50 am (I heard him setting the alarm and I thought I had overslept) and he needs to get up for school today.

I have never been a lover of housework but since Mike has died I really hate it. I used to do stuff because I used to like it to be nice for Mike, but lately I just feel like it is a total waste of time, as soon as I do it, it is messed up - I do feel battered by the lack of respect for me and my needs at the moment. Mike would have put his foot down but I am just being pushed as far as I possibly can be.

Hannah got up and helped me do two paper rounds this morning, it was good to have a bit of company - I can't wait until the mornings get lighter.

Adam and Cam

The Stadium

The Medal

Well done to Cam and Adam, they completed the marathon in 2hrs29m33s. We are all very proud of you and Dad/Uncle Mike would have been extremely proud celebrating your success. They have raised over £1,600.00 for Willen Hospice.

We have had a good weekend, it has been nice to be together with the family and being at the Madejski Stadium for them finishing had a really good atmosphere.

Hannah and Cameron gave me Mother's Day presents and card without any prompting. (I know that in the past Mike has always given them a reminder, and probably money) The presents were very thoughtful too. Thank you x x

I went to my mums grave yesterday with Mark and my dad to take flowers. I was really pleased that I was able to be their on Mother's Day.

I am back to writing lists! I can't believe how much stuff we need to take with us to Reading just for one night. We have got a list of all the things Cam needs for his run, a list of all the stuff for Jasmine and a general list - it seems very organised until I lose my lists.

I went for my weigh in yesterday and I have suprised myself - I lost 12 lb this week. I know that it will slow down now but it is a pretty encouraging start and convinces me that I am following the diet correctly. I must admit that when I look at my dinner now I think that there isn't enough to keep a sparrow alive on the plate, but it does fill me up.

Cam and I bathed Jasmine last night, she looks so pathetic when she is wet (she has very nice puppy shampoo that smells like Johnson's baby powder). We decided that we would bath her quite regularly so that she can get used to it as a puppy and hopefully be quite calm about it.

Hannah did an extra shift at work last night - I must say that she has been much more like the old Hannah that we all know and love this week. I hope she can look at what has been different and learn from it. I have felt much calmer with her behaviour this week, long may it last. xx

There won't be a blog tomorrow, but hopefully there will be marathon pictures at the beginning of next week.