Although I am surrounded by people I feel very alone today. I seem to have so many problems that I don't know how to deal with and miss Mike's guidance so much. I used to be able to tell him everything and he'd always have an answer.
I got very upset with Cameron last night. Mike had always told me that I was to have his Ipod when he died, I knew it was in the drawer but I have not touched or moved any of his things yet becasue I find it too painful. Cameron on the other hand has found a lot of comfort from rummaging and he had taken the Ipod and wiped all the songs off it and replaced it with his own music. That Ipod was full of all the tunes that were all our memories, everything that had ever meant anything to us. I can't believe that Cam did it on purpose but the fact that he had it at all I cannot accept, he has his own and there was no reason for him to have that one. I know that most of what he had on there could just be put back but it is the fact that it was Mike's choice and he meant for me to have it has hurt me so much.
The other thing that is really upsetting me is probably best left unsaid on the world wide web but at this stage of the day I see no light at the end of the tunnell at all.
Sandy came and did some memory stuff with the three of us yesterday, we talked about Steve Barnes talking about "if only's" at the funeral and whether we had any if onlys. I don't really have any, Mike and I told each other everything. My only if only today is if only he was here I wouldn't feel so awful.
Thursday 31 January 2008
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Thankyou
My first thank you must go to Mike, not only my husband but my very best friend. He has always been there for me and now I am doing all I can to be there for him. Unfortunately, nothing can prepare you for the devastating news that we received last June, and no text book can tell you how to behave and how to deal with it.
Mike has been so brave throughout all of this, we have laughed together and cried together, but Mike has found the strength to help me to continue to plan a future for me, the kids and the business. He really is a very special person.
The Kids
I don't know where I would be without Hannah and Cameron (though probably a little less grey). I need them to know that I really love them and appreciate them, even if sometimes because of the situation here stress gets the better of me and I snap.
The memory of the day that we told them that Mike's illness is terminal will haunt me forever. I felt so helpless, it is the first time that a kiss, a hug (or money) couldn't make the news any better for them. Mike insisted that he was the one to tell them, I can't imagine how hard it was for him, I think he's amazing and although it's hard to think of it now I think the kids will respect him for it too. Love you both x x
Jean & Eddie
I need to do a big thank you to Jean and Eddie (Mike's mum and dad). They arrived the morning that Mike was first admitted to hospital and stayed for fourteen weeks. They have been a tremendous support throughout all of this. Obviously they are grieving too, but the support that they have given to Mike, me and the kids has been fantastic.
They have helped both emotionally and practically, without them I do not know what we would have done - All the shopping, cooking, washing, ironing, cleaning and dog walking was done by them. Jean is the only person that has just hugged me and allowed me to cry until I have no more tears left. Eddie did loads of DIY jobs that Mike had planned for years (Mike has always liked the power tools and planning projects but not been very keen to do them). Between them everything was cleaned, painted, cleaned again and made sterile for Mike to have the very best chance of not getting any infections throughout his chemo.
I also thank them for appreciating that when things had settled slightly and I had the business organised they allowed us the time to get back to "normal" family life.
Family
Everyone has been brilliant, I worry that if I start naming people I might forget someone, but I will attempt to without sounding like I have won an Oscar or something.
Gill (Mike's sister) has been great - phones, texts and visits regularly (always good on a Saturday night when a visit from Gill and Pete includes a KFC). She sends good humoured cards regularly which always manage to make us smile.
Karen (Mike's sister) phones and visits regularly, her extensive medical knowledge has helped enormously by helping us to ask "the right questions". Karen did food shopping for us when all we had in the fridge was garlic bread and jam (not a nice combination).
Nicky and Adam (our niece and nephew) have helped us by just being themselves. They text and email the kids and visit whenever they can. They manage to make life seem normal. Nicky continues to call Mike by her pet name Uncle Tosspot which always lightens the mood.
More Family
My dad has always been at the end of the phone for me, I know that if I needed him he would get in the car and be here. I don't speak to my brother Mark as much as I should, for some reason when I come off the phone from a conversation with him I get really upset.
Our aunties, uncles and cousins have been great too. A special thanks to Chris and Wendy who send cards at regular intervals to let us know that they are still thinking about us - this means a lot.
Newport News
I don't know how to thank Marie, Ingrid, Judy (& David) and Mel enough. Without them at times there wouldn't have been any Newport News.
Everyone has changed their hours, extended their hours, changed their jobs to make sure that 900 customers get their papers every day, seven days a week. They have not only worked incredibly hard they have always been sensitive to the situation. Thank you all so much.
Not forgetting the delivery boys & girls who 99% of the time have been fab too.
Our customers have been really thoughtful too. In the first month of Mike's illness he received over 100 cards. Many customers ask for updates on Mike's progress on a regular basis. Newport is a place where news travels fast so most people know what is going on quite quickly.
Highfield
Thanks to all Mike's old colleagues from Highfield. Emma has been great, phones and visits regularly and helps keep Mike up to speed with any gossip he needs to know about. Cam, Steph, Matt and Sally have all visited too and brought with them their share of "important information" for him, not forgetting the fact that Sally ran a half marathon and raised funds for Willen Hospice - I really appreciate this as you will see below they have been a tremendous support to all four of us. Sherilyn has phoned regularly and visited - Mike was really disappointed that he was not well enough to make it to her wedding at Christmas. Sadly, Sherilyn is now ill too and our love and thoughts go to her, Mike and the girls.
I hope I haven't forgotten anyone because I know you have all been great.
And many more..........
There are so many more people that have helped in so many ways. I need to mention Andrew, my old boss - he keeps in contact at least weekly and as always is a really great listener.
Sadie from Country Clover Florist has been great, arrives with flowers every time the going gets tough. Sadie is also training hard to run The London Marathon in aid of Willen Hospice, although we are really proud of her for doing this I do have concerns that my chocolate sales are falling whilst she is in training. Alex and Ryan Pink from the cycle shop across the road have visited Mike in hospital and at home - they always manage to make him laugh.
The list is endless..........
Willen Hospice
A massive thank you goes to Willen Hospice. If this site gains nothing else I would like people to be aware of the amazing work that they do. I really wish that I could do something to promote the fact that they give you so much support in life and that the hospice is not a morbid place at all.
Mike attends the day hospice every Wednesday from 10.30 am to 3.30 pm. It gives him a chance to meet other people facing the same illness and the opportunity to do pottery and painting. I go to the carers group at the hospice on a Monday afternoon, all we do is eat cake and drink tea (not good for the ever expanding waist line, but very good for the soul). It is the one place in the world that you can talk about how you really feel and people really know how you feel because they are all going through it too.
The family support worker, Sandy is brilliant, she has supported us all so much - I don't know where we would be without her.
Liz is another star from Willen, she is the first contact that we had and has guided us the whole way through this horrendous journey. Like Sandy, Liz is always at the end of the phone to give advice and visits regularly as well.
If you click on the link below you will be directed to their website.
Willen Hospice
2 comments:
Hi Jo,
It's early days yet and I think you're doing great....as Amanda says it's good to know Sandy is there for you. The boys look good in their t-shirts and we wish them the best of luck on the run. We would have come to see them but we are on holiday then.
Love Brenda
I’m sitting here fingers poised on the keyboard trying to think of something, anything to console your grief. No words are appearing, just tears and a vision of you so alone.
Cameron is a typical teenager and thinks of no one but himself, he’ll grow out of it, but that’s no comfort to you at this present time. As for the songs they are just tunes that can be downloaded back to their rightful place, it’s the words of the song that bring the memories back and these are erasable!
Hold on in there, you’re doing really well. Emotions are a funny thing!
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